To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

If it's "some of us are going for a meal afterwards, would you like to join?"rather than part of the wedding itself then I think you're ok to make it clear that everyone is paying their own way.

Why don't you ring them rather than formally invite them?

Hi Friend, we are getting married...blah, blah, blah...we are having a registry office wedding and the whole thing is on a major budget. We weren't going to do anything after but our families suggested we all go out for dinner, rather than any kind of reception. We wondered if you'd like to join us for <both parts/dinner>. We're doing everything on a shoestring so I'm afraid we can't offer to pay but if you did want to join us we'd love to see you!

Much easier over the phone assuming it will be 5-6 people?

I've been to a wedding like this and it was great. We went to an all-you-can eat Chinese buffet and everyone paid for themselves. The bride was clear on the invitations and nobody cared. We were happy to have been invited!

I'd pay, but I'd be happier with really good pub grub than hotel food.

I have to say, if I wanted to get married but couldn't afford the reception celebration after, I'd just get married as cheaply as possible and forget about including other people. There's no expectation to do the whole thing when money's tight.

• or when money isn't tight.

If you choose a reasonably priced set menu, everyone pays for their own drinks and make it very clear from the start that this is the case (and why) and state do not bring a gift

This - and its better than saying "instead of a gift we'd ask you to pay for your meal" which presumes a gift. Better to isolate the two.

Please be our guest for speeches fizz, and wedding cake at x place.

We will then be going for dinner at Y afterwards. It would be great if you could join us - the menu is <here >, cards will be accepted on the night/ we will be paying a deposit so please let us know if you will be joining us for dinner by Z date.

Agree with everyone else that as long as you're clear, it's okay. I also think a very small gathering makes it a lot more acceptable - if you were inviting 120 people I think I'd be a bit annoyed and feel like rather just keep it to the key people.

Also, does your budget stretch to some wine/bubbles or whatever beforehand because if so, you could say you're doing a few drinks beforehand. YOu'd love everyone to stay also for dinner, but as that cost needs to be met by individual guests you'd totally understand if they an't make it.

And agree - this is not the time for super fancy venues.

Sorry, but I would be too embarrassed to ask this and I know people would privately baulk at being asked, even if they agreed.

Why not have a small wedding and a later get together at a pub? I don’t think people would object to paying for drinks.

You would need to be very upfront about it I personally wouldn't do it because I just know there would be one CF who would pretend not to know and I'd be worrying about it. Possibly better to invite them for drinks only later.

I think it would be better for family members to chip-in and you host a buffet at home/family member home - it would be more inclusive.

Have the latest slot for the ceremony and then host canapés and dinks for friends and family, then have the meal in the evening for family only

I’m a similar age and would happily pay for my meal as long as it is sensibly priced. I think it is a sensible idea.

Sounds fine to me if they are good friends. You don't need presents at this stage of the game. Although for heavens sake 50 and 53 isn't old!!

If you can afford to pay for wine at the table and a drink beforehand that would be even better. Ask the friends and see what they say. As the saying goes those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Or words to that effect.

Let them know the venue so they can check the prices.

Sounds OK to me. I'd be happy to pay for a meal with friends to celebrate their wedding. Obvioulsy not somewhere expensively posh, but there are plenty of pubs/restaurants that would be absolutely fine. Have a good day!

I wouldn’t have a problem with the s as long as it’s local so I’m not paying for a hotel on top of the dinner.

Yeah it's fine. I would be very happy to accept an invite like this from a good friend. I hope it's a great day. Enjoy!

It’s your wedding, you can do what you like, if they don’t want to pay for a meal they don’t need to come or they can pop in for a drink afterwards.

I would be fine with this for a close friend’s wedding. Just choose a place with a budget that people can easily afford.

please make sure the venue are ok with separate bills/paying at the bar because I would be most worried about trying to split one bill between so many people, and someone (usually the one drinking heavily) uttering the words ‘shall we just split it’

For close friends, that’s absolutely fine. They’ll already know things are tight financially if they’re close to you. It’s absolutely fine to ask if they’d like to come but pay for their meal or just meet for a drink after and then you could maybe shout them one drink each. They’re close friends, it’s different from a guest list of hundreds of people you’re barely acquainted with.

If it was a very good friend and taking in to account your health issues .... I'd have no issues at all with paying.

Hope all goes well for you.

Nooo you can't do this. Weddings are expensive what with outfits, travel, presents etc. The least one can expect is to be fed.

Just keep it to the family only who have agreed to pay.

I did exactly what you are proposing. No gifts . Then we all had cake and drinks . In the evening we all wasn’t to an Indian restaurant and payed for our own .it was a long time ago but I don’t remember any awkwardness . I have also paid my meals at friends birthday parties .

Just tell your friends what you are doing and if they want to come then do and if they don’t want to pay say you would love if they could meet you for a drink either after the wedding and before the meal or after the meal if they aren’t coming to the wedding. I wouldn’t be overly fussed as don’t want a big wedding

Thanks so much for your responses. A mixed response, as expected! It's really helped me though; I think we're going to go for a meal after the ceremony for family only followed by an informal buffet and drinks at our house afterwards. I'd hate to offend anyone.