To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

When I married 23 years ago, both of us were penniless fresh graduate, far away from parents. We simply didn't have money and energy to organize a wedding inviting families and friends. So we just got married in a register office with 2 classmates/witnesses, had a lunch with them in a nearby pub, that's all. We might or might not have paid for their lunch, it was too long time ago. Now we are still happily married and enjoying a comfortable life. Wedding is really not that important. It's you get married, not your family or friends.

Anyway, congratulations! wish you all the best

You could put some feelers out first and ask a few very close friends how they'd feel about it. Personally I've never been to a wedding with a bar where you have to pay, let alone for the meal.

If you're looking at inviting friends to the wedding, I'd just be open with them. Tell them you're getting married, then having a meal but as money is tight your family are paying for themselves. You'd love them to be at the wedding and come for the meal too under the same agreement.

What I would look at is how much I'd a hotel meal compared to a decent pub for a couple of courses and a few drinks?

We are getting married this year and also on a budget, we are getting married on a week day morning with just 2 witnesses. Afterwards we will go home to have a few drinks, music and a little buffet, it will just be us, our dog, our witnesses and a handful of others, no frills or fuss, but we've been together 11 years, and don't need a flashy wedding. I'll be buying drinks, buffet bits in the weeks leading up to the wedding so it's not a big expense all at once.

Then they say that they too are skint. It's really not rocket science......

Personally I think it’s fine, just communicate this as such. A get together to celebrate your wedding rather than a wedding. If your friends really are friends they would understand, especially at this age. Maybe if you can afford just put out welcome drinks and once those are finished people buy their own. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

Hi, as long as you tell them beforehand and they agree, there is nothing wrong with this. I went with my partner for a wedding in Turkey, we paid for everything, but they didn't tell us we wouldn't even get one drink. It was shocking and upsetting as it wasn't fair not to mention this before agreeing to attend. I think honestly is the best policy so if people can afford it, they will come, if not they might skip it. Hope this helps x

I personally would be fine with that. You could ask if they would like to join you for the meal afterwards. Send them a copy of the menu and apologise that you can’t afford to pay for anyone. As long as it’s clear. Hope you have a lovely day.

I would have no problem with this at all. If a friend of mine was getting married and said they were thinking of going for a meal afterwards, I'd assume I was paying anyway.

Real friends wouldn’t give two hoots. I’d be happy to pay for my meal.

So because you paid for your own meal you would’nt. give them a present? 😂

if you can’t afford to pay for the meal just invite them for a drink. Some people do ask people to pay but I think avoid it if at all possible. If money is tight for you, it might be for them. They might not want to spend £60/£70 on that meal and then feel obliged to go and resent it.

If money is tight why not order a cheese wedding cake made up of 3/4 cheese wheels and have a small drinks reception with the cheese and biscuits+ fruit as the centre piece.....I've been invited to one of these and it was lovely.

This 100%

If I was your friend I would happily pay and get you a present 🎁

If I were a close friend, I’d have no issue paying for myself but to be honest drinks and buffet in a relaxed setting such as your house sounds a lot more fun than a hotel meal. Enjoy!

That sounds great!

If money is tight why not order a cheese wedding cake made up of 3/4 cheese wheels and have a small drinks reception with the cheese and biscuits+ fruit as the centre piece.....I've been invited to one of these and it was lovely.
Not do good for vegans and people who are intolerant to dairy.

I think I'd just make it more like a gathering in the pub and an order your own food and drinks at the bar, this is what my friends did for the night before their wedding - make it very very clear that it's not pre paid. Then people can take or leave the invite.

If it was my good friend I would understand and want to be there anyway to celebrate.

Your revised plan sounds lovely, OP.

…I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in…
^^
I think that sounds awesome!

Agree!