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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 04/01/2024 18:24

I really don’t think you can expect people to pay if you’ve invited them. Why not just have a drink reception instead and buy the first drink if money is an issue?

Iwasafool · 04/01/2024 18:24

Sounds fine to me. Easier than stressing about what present to buy you.

Congratulations and hope it all goes well and that your health is OK now.

Pollyannamex · 04/01/2024 18:25

I think your close friends will understand as long as it’s made very clear in advance.

is it possible to pre order a set menu, and can they go up to the bar to get their own drinks? It could be chaotic when the bill comes otherwise.

perhaps you could stretch to a few drinks or some wine for the table as a gesture?

I know many people on here will say ‘if you can’t afford to host them don’t invite them’ but I’d be happy to do this for a friends wedding - I’d raise an eyebrow if the bride turns up in an expensive dress though 😂

CharlotteSometimes1 · 04/01/2024 18:25

I wouldn’t, but I don’t think there should be paid bars at weddings either.

Pollyannamex · 04/01/2024 18:26

CharlotteSometimes1 · 04/01/2024 18:25

I wouldn’t, but I don’t think there should be paid bars at weddings either.

Meanwhile…in the real world… 😂😂

PaddyIrishWoman · 04/01/2024 18:27

Oohh I dunno. I think you should just invite them to the drinks reception after. I do think it's a little cheeky to invite them and then ask them to pay for their meal.

Pinkpinkplonk · 04/01/2024 18:28

Could you ask for a wedding reception gift kitty in leui of wedding presents?

Maddy70 · 04/01/2024 18:28

Of course, you can ask. Just be clear why. State " instead of a wedding gift we would ask you to pay for your meal as we are on a very frugal budget but would still love you to share our day with us"

PickledPegs · 04/01/2024 18:28

Yeah, I think it’s fine - as long as it’s clear in advance people can decide if they’re happy to do it. You could phrase it as an alternative to a gift, perhaps?

princessconsuelobananahammock · 04/01/2024 18:29

Another vote for if it’s super clear then I’d be totally fine with it. Only exception would be if it was a really expensive place. I’d much rather go to a really lovely pub/restaurant and celebrate with my friends (paying for myself!) than think my friends were stressing about it. I also think it’s different when you’re a little bit older, everyone’s got a much more rational view of weddings by then!

Comedycook · 04/01/2024 18:29

I'd be fine with this but I wouldn't be happy if the place was extremely expensive. I think how you deliver the information is crucial. I wouldn't dress it up as too weddingy if that makes sense...more a we're getting married and we'd love to celebrate with you afterwards...here's a link to the restaurant and the menu/prices. Naturally we are not expecting gifts sort of thing

QueSyrahSyrah · 04/01/2024 18:29

If they're close friends just ask them. It would not phase me at all, for good friends and in the right circumstances we'd be happy to pay our own way in order to join the celebrations.

Ericaequites · 04/01/2024 18:29

Cut your coat to fit your cloth. If you can’t afford to pay for dinner, serve punch, cake, and sparkling wine only. Asking people to pay for their meals is not appropriate.

Comedycook · 04/01/2024 18:30

Maddy70 · 04/01/2024 18:28

Of course, you can ask. Just be clear why. State " instead of a wedding gift we would ask you to pay for your meal as we are on a very frugal budget but would still love you to share our day with us"

I think this is perfect

Pollyannamex · 04/01/2024 18:30

You know your friends OP. Why not test it out with a couple of them? Give them a call and see what they think. I bet most people will be fine with it, as someone said earlier - as you get older you get a bit more realistic!

HappyHamsters · 04/01/2024 18:31

I'd just invite them to a drink after the meal unless your family offer

GrandHighPoohbah · 04/01/2024 18:31

As you're both in your fifties, I imagine your friends are a similar age, and been round the block a few times when it comes to weddings. Absolutely mentioned they are welcome at the self-funded meal if they wish.

Woahtherehoney · 04/01/2024 18:31

same as most others here I think as long as it’s clear in advance and people have the option to view the menu and see if they can afford it then I think that’s absolutely fine. :)

DDivaStar · 04/01/2024 18:32

If they are close friends I'd just ask them verbally if they would like to join you after and make clear all are paying for their own food and drink. A set menu would certainly make the arrangements easier.

I wouldn't send invites as this would seem traditional and confusing.

princessconsuelobananahammock · 04/01/2024 18:32

It’s funny how varied opinions are on this. They’re really good friends so presumably they know the situation & you’re in regular contact?! A formal invitation from a distant friend with an additional note saying ‘you’re paying for yourself’ would make me raise my eyebrows. But in a close group of friends this is completely fine imho.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 04/01/2024 18:33

Depends how you frame it really - if you’re expecting them to pay for their own meal whilst also buying you a wedding gift then, no. Why not just go out for a meal at a later date with friends to celebrate your marriage?

Joeslaol19 · 04/01/2024 18:33

If you were a friend of mine I would not have a problem about paying for my own meal. It’s the occasion that a good friend would be happy to attend.

ManchesterGirl2 · 04/01/2024 18:34

I think its fine as long as you're clear and phrase it right, making clear that that part is completely optional but you'd love to see them. Alternatively could one of your family help host a buffet-style meal that you could DIY quite cheaply?

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 04/01/2024 18:34

I'd love this! Unless i was having to pay somwthinf else to attend (wear a particular colour, travel miles etc) and there was no expectation i'd be up for it. Far better to choose what I eat and drink and pay for it than feel forced to give £50-100 as a "gift" and suffer a substandard meal.

Do it. Any friends close enough to ask to this kind of small event would understand.

TinyYellow · 04/01/2024 18:35

YABVU. Hire a function room at a pub and do a buffet.

If that’s still too much hire a village hall and ask everyone to bring a dish.

Or if you don’t want to spend anything, get married with a couple of witnesses and tell people you’ll be in X pub afterwards if they want to join you for a drink to celebrate.

But whatever you do, don’t choose a fancy hotel and then expect your guests to pay for it.