To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

I would have no problem with this and would far, far rather be invited on this basis than not at all (and dare I say, would much prefer this to a “bring a plate” buffet as per a pp suggestion…)

I think it's totally fine. If I was your close friend I would absolutely prefer to pay for my meal than not be asked in case I was 'offended' (why on earth are people so easily offended by practicalities?) I'm your age and I'd be thrilled and touched to celebrate with you.

Sounds fair

It sounds like you would like a more proper wedding if money was not so tight so maybe holding off for a bit or requesting family members could, instead of a gift, shout another persons meal so 1 set of parents pay for 1 friends meal the other set pay for 1 more and so on ect.

If it's between that and not having a wedding at all, I think it's fine. Too often people delay marriage because they can't afford the wedding. It should be fine to just have whatever wedding you can afford, people don't have to come if it doesn't suit them.

I would be delighted to celebrate a friend's wedding and would have no issues with paying to eat with them afterwards.

A lot of people are saying if they are close friends would understand your situation but none of my close friends would know about my finances nor me theirs and if I can't afford to pay for their dinner how do I know they can afford it!? I think your buffet in the house idea is a very good!

I would be fine with this and would much prefer it to having to gift you money. I would only feel put out if it was an expensive meal (Happy to pay £20 for a main). A few bottles of wine on the table would be a good gesture.

That's a great idea. I don't think a gift should be expected when guests are having to pay for their own meal.

I would be completely fine with it as long as it is made clear. I also would want to be at the ceremony of a close friend and wouldn’t want them not inviting me just because they felt odd about asking me to pay for my own meal.

Then they decline, just as they would for a wedding that was all paid for but 200 miles away, or black tie when they didn't have the outfits, or on a weekday when they couldn't spare the annual leave.

I was invited to a wedding of an acquaintance, along with my 2 ds and it was stated in the invited how much the meal was and I needed to make our meal choices. It would have been £75 ish pound for us and tbh I didn't know them very well so I declined, by the time id have sourced clothing for the boys etc and id have worn an old outfit - a present it'd have been £150

had it been a friend id have done it without hesitation - it was clear I was footing my own bill and im fine with that as its up front an honest

There is no solution everyone will approve of.
So your choices are - get a meal with those who want and can join you, potential miss some who can't and offend those who value some abstract principles over your friendship.
Or - don't go for a meal with anyone, to avoid offending those who would choose to be offended with option one.

I would second choosing a nice, but less formal and less expensive place for the meal.

Enjoy your wedding!

I know someone who did this and it went down like a bucket of cold sick.

In fact if a friend of 50 stated we don't want present but your presence, and here is the menu can you pay for your meal instead - id think it was a great idea - the meal is likely to be less than the present anyhow.

Is that something you could consider?

Buffet and drinks back at yours and maybe dinner with family the week before assuming they live relatively close by.

I'd only object if the couple had flash lifestyles and plenty of money...then I'd think they were cheeky fuckers.

I think it's all in the wording.
And given its close friends I'd speak with them rather than issuing formal invites I'd speak with them.

We can't afford a big wedding, but are going for dinner after the register office everyone is paying their own, you're welcome to join us but we are doing nibbles and drinks back at the house later.

This!

Just talk to them. Tell them you're having a small wedding and then going out for a meal afterwards with a few family members and close friends but that everyone is paying for themselves, it's not a reception as such. You'd love it if they'd join you but you quite understand if they can't make it. Then they'll probably either say "Ooh, lovely, yes please" or "Sorry, we've got something on that day, hope it all goes well". There needn't be any drama.

I would be fine with this but only if the details were explained. Say you planned to just do a small ceremony as you couldn't afford any extra but your family wanted to go for a meal after and said they would pay to make this doable. Then say, we would love you to come but as the budget doesn't stretch it would need to be paid for by yourself. Then maybe say to consider it your wedding gift or something!

I think it sounds great, and if you were my friend and I could afford it, I'd go. You said close friends, so presumably people you'd go out for meals with anyway. It would be different if you were expecting people to pay for a traditional wedding meal where no one knows half the people on their table/listening to endless toasts/not able to choose where you sit etc. if it's close friends I'd just ask without obligation.

Hi

I personally wouldn't mind if I was asked to do this depending on how close the friend is. However, I couldn't ask my friends or family to pay and have decided not to plan our wedding until 2026 to save so we can feed everyone

Depends on whether you think a) your friends can afford it and b) would say no if they can't.
Because you shouldn't put people in a position where they feel 'expectedly attend and pay if they can't afford it.

You could hire a hall and ask people to bring food? A lot cheaper for everyone, just a bit more work.

I think a home buffet and drinks sounds ideal, and solves a lot of problems. Actually if you were friends of ours, we’d want to chip in with bringing a dish too xx