To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

I would be sad to miss out on celebrating a good friend's marriage just because they felt they couldn't ask us to pay for ourselves.
I like to think my friends can be honest and our friendship is more important than convention.
In lieu of a present it seems ideal.

In normal circumstances I'd say you absolutely can't ask people to pay but with health issues, I think you can.

Just keep it at a reasonably priced place, cos cost of living innit.

Wouldn't bother me at all. I'd 100% rather pay for my own meal than think someone was struggling to pay for it!

I would have no problem paying my way, it would just be like going out for a group dinner surely? Do your day how you want to do it! An idea could be - night before wedding you have “rehearsal dinner” with family and then day of wedding you invite friends and family to registry office for the ceremony then head to yours for the buffet, champagne and cake. That way your friends feel part of the whole day, and you get the special family meal too. And even though it’s low budget, you’ve still celebrated over two days with everyone so it feels like a special event.

This is exactly how I'd feel. However, judging these responses, it's likely not everyone would feel the same....

I wouldn't do a dinner and a later buffet. What will guests do in the middle bit? What if the dinner runs on?

I honestly wouldn't mind one but being asked to pay for my own meal. I'd have a system in place regarding how to split the bill at the end so that people pay for what they eat/drink only.

I think it won’t be a traditional wedding in a way so your meal should reflect this - going to a pub or a local Italian place and ask people to pay for themselves is fine, sit down meal in a more expensive place not so. You also have to be clear about paying with friends.

By the way I wouldn’t like to be asked upfront about it as a lot depends on details: cost of meal, travel, possible accommodation. And what’s cheap for some are not cheap for others.

And make it clear no one is to go to any extra expense, like new outfits, gifts etc, keep it local so there are no hotel or travel costs too.

Absolutley you can. My friends did this for the same reason. They chose somewhere really reasonable so they weren't landing people with a big bill. I can't imagine why anyone would have any problem with this. People go out with friends all the time and pay for their own dinner.

@SquishyGloopyBum Could you share the system please?

For a small wedding I think it's ok especially when it's a place when they can pick their own food!

We paid for all of our guests .... But there were only 3 of them!

I'd invite them to drinks after, but then "extend" the offer to dinner but say it's already paid for, but if people want to come earlier then they're welcome to join if they pay for their own.

This is literally a conversation I've been having with a friend recently.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with it as long as I knew the score, but people are weirdly precious about weddings.

And yes, of course I would have made it clear that paying for own meal was in lieu of presents. Still, I think the buffet at home might be the best option. If we're struggling financially it's fair to say some of our friends will be too.

The only drawback to family only at the ceremony, meal for family, then buffet/ drinks at home is that ideally we would have liked friends at the ceremony too, but what will they do until the buffet at home? Unless we scrap the meal completely and just go straight to the buffet/ drinks at home for all...

Health scares aren't necessarily health issues. It is generally what people say when they had a problem, it was worrying but it turned out not to be a problem afterall.

It's fine to celebrate cheaply at home, just get a bbq out and have a karaoke. No need for hotels if it's out of price range.

I wanted to go to the Maldives for our honeymoon years ago but we couldn't afford it. That's life.

This is so stupid. I would much rather have someone ask me to pay for my own dinner than serve me wine I don't want and go without dinner.

I sometimes wonder whether people care about their friends very much

Totally agree.
Just cringeing that anyone would consider this.
Just have witnesses and close relatives only.

I am unsure how I’d feel on this. If money is tight, I’d say you could have a meal with family who know the score and then on for drinks at a pub. More informal and people will get the gist, particularly if you say we really don’t need any gifts, we have all we need, but can’t afford a big do but just want to be married.
It’s about setting expectations imho. I haven’t been to many weddings but the last one I went to, they asked for vouchers for the honeymoon. Easy. They asked for cocktail dress. Ok. I went v glam and there was no food, no drinks and a really limited bar which was pretty expensive. The bride and groom loved their day but I’m not sure the guests did.
If I was asked to pay my own meal I would be a bit shocked. I am generous but also not wealthy so I’d be concerned I’d end up splitting the bill with people I didn’t know which may be a bit awkward. You don’t need someone with a calculator out working out who had more olives.
What about a barbecue at home (perhaps not in January)
Weddings don’t have to be a money pit but they do need a bit throwing at it.

Of course you can. Ignore the people saying “you invite, you pay”. For many people suggesting going out dinner doesn’t in anyway mean anyone expects to be paid for.

yes weddings are different but if you explain to your friends exactly what you’ve said here then they can choose to attend or not.
if anyone is offended then they’re weird.

Very good points...

Have the home buffet first for friends and family - then a meal at the hotel for family.

Most people on MN live on another planet with their 6 figure salaries. Your friends and family won't be bothered about paying for a meal and have a choice to accept the invitation.

Otherwise a good call on buffet and drinks at yours. Don't overthiink it and enjoy.

I think it sounds fine . I would send them an informal email/text/whatsapp and explain your position . Ask them if they would like to attend on the basis that they will have to pay for themselves but ask them to rsvp as you will need to know for booking .

I would look upon it as you would going out to celebrate a friend's birthday (eg) - meet in a pub/restaurant and everyone pays for themselves. It's not the same as a party and people shouldn't see it that way .

That sounds like a good compromise, OP

I'm another who wouldn't have minded provided everything was very clear and that you didn't expect gifts on top, but TBH your choice sounds better all round

It’s fine so long as they know they’re paying for themselves in advance. I think it’s only in very rich circles where the expectation is that the person who does the inviting always pays - it’s normal in my circle of friends for everyone to pay for themselves when going out for a meal. Usually that’s for birthdays but it would no doubt be the same for a wedding.

Ha ha - I can't imagine anyone in my town ever getting married if that was the case !