To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

My friends got married "on the cheap" a few years ago, and made it perfectly clear that we'd have to pay for our own food. The meal was at a local pub, and as there were quite a few of us. they'd managed to negotiate a small discount, and they paid for a few bottles of wine for the tables. I didn't mind a bit. It was nice to be involved in their day. The night "do" was at the local alternative night club. Probably one of the better weddings I've been to.

We married in 1990 when incredibly short of money . Husband had just been made redundant

we had quiet reception are office wedding. Parents took us and closest family to lunch in nice pub

we then had a post wedding party. In our own home. Bring a bottle. No presents. I made good filling food. I bought cheap ingridants, cooked everything from scratch . It cost us not a lot, and we had 40 guests, and a lovely evening

it wasn’t the wedding I’d have wanted in ideal situation. But it was all we could do. Putting on some party food can be cheap and home hosting doesn’t cost anything. If foods provided, and a bit of booze, most folks will happily bring a bottle.

Personally I wouldn’t. Having said that, I went to a wedding where the B&G did a wedding on a budget and just didn’t provide the meal! We still had to sit through all the speeches etc with no food! In that situation I would have rather have paid for my own food

It was depends if I knew a couple and they were well off and expected us to pay no.
If I know and am fond of the couple then I would absolutely be happy to pay and as people said esp in lieu of a gift!!

Straight home to the buffet. Otherwise it'd be all to-ing and fro-ing.

Hotel for 1st wedding anniversary just the 2 of you 🥂

I don't think you could call them guests as you are not hosting them but you can tell them to meet you for a drink and make them aware food of available.
Congratulations wishing you both every happiness.

Really surprised at the answers here - I would have no problem with this and would be delighted to be invited.

I'd be completely happy to pay in those circumstances for close friends.

Straight home to the buffet. Otherwise it'd be all to-ing and fro-ing

Agree with this.
Just the thought of " who had a starter" etc at a wedding makes me feel stressed .
What if some people don't pay ?

It's fine. I've been to a friends wedding like this. Watched them get married in a register office then we all went to the local pub for a carvery. We knew we had to pay and everyone was fine with it. It cost us no more than going out for dinner, so I'm not sure why people are going on about expensive clothes and travel.

Do ceremony and straight to buffet - much more celebratory and friends will get to see you wed, which is the main part and the lovely memory!

I would recommend you do the dinner the night before - nice and early so you can get a good sleep. If you’re big drinkers and worried about hangovers then you could do the dinner the next night as a celebration dinner.

I think having friends at the ceremony and then a nice flow to the day for everyone, is better than trying to fit the dinner in on the day - the dinner can be done the day before or after or even the weekend after!

Yes I think just have everyone for a buffet if you aren’t comfortable asking them to pay - I’d be really sad not to be invited to a friends ceremony, that’s the best bit!

Actually that's a point about what you'd do with the friends if they come to the ceremony, aren't invited to the family lunch but are coming for a buffet later

Maybe just go for the buffet and celebrate with close family the day after?

Sounds fine as long as you're clear upfront about it. Guests can decide whether to join you or not

I would ask a sister or cousin to invite them along and make it clear that it would be an all going out together and PYOW kind of a thing. That way it feels less like a wedding party and more like what you intend it to be.

I think it’s fine. I think I’d prefer going to a decent local restaurant or good pub and paying my own way than having some substandard hotel mass catering. Just be clear and don’t dress it up as too wedding-y. If you can stretch to it, you could put a bit of money on the tab, so everyone is subsidised.

I think it’s fine as long as no one has to pay to travel and stay over somewhere.

Don’t leave any of your wedding ceremony guests at a loose end between ceremony and evening buffet. I’ve been to a wedding like that and it was awkward.

What I've learned from Mumsnet wedding threads is that:

It is unreasonable to expect people to pay for their own food at a wedding

It is unreasonable not to invite family and close friends to a wedding

It is unreasonable to offend people with your wedding choices

It is unreasonable to get into debt/spend more than you can comfortably afford on a wedding

It is unreasonable to have children without getting married

So basically, you're damned whatever you do, so you might as well do what works best for you and be confident about your choices.

We did this for our wedding. We rushed ours through as both my mum and my sister had been diagnosed with cancer and wanted them both to be there, unfortunately my sister didn't make it which made it even more important for my mum to be there.
We chose a lovely canalside pub restaurant for our wedding meal and told people where we would be going if they wanted to join us after our ceremony, we got the numbers beforehand and managed to book half out so we knew we could accommodate everyone. Then we booked a venue for the evening and catered our own buffet. Everyone said how lovely and chilled out it was and for us the day was perfect (apart from not having my sister there)

That sounds lovely. I hope you have a wonderful day

I think the difference is how you phrase it..

Option 1. Official Invite; You are cordially invited to the wedding of x and x at... You're paying for the guest

Option 2. Verbal conversation - a few of us are going for a meal at the local restaurant close to the registry office; think it'll cost about £X per person, they do have a menu you can check out online at www.checkitout; if you'd like to come I can add you to the table reservation, you'll have to let me know by X date and you'll be responsible for your own bill... They are paying and its obvious beforehand

It's all about being open and upfront so there is no mistake

Beginning to see why MN seems to have such a high incidence of people lamenting that they have no friends or struggle to make friends, if paying for a meal at a low-key wedding is considered such a wildly offensive imposition from a close friend.

Worlds apart from my view of what you do for close friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you are going to do this make it very clear. I had a fully catered wedding, on a Sunday so we went out for a big meal the night before to make the most of the weekend ( Sunday wedding much cheaper)

Despite ( I thought) making it clear this was not part of the actual wedding itself half the guests upped and left at the end of the meal leaving us with an unanticipated bill of hundreds.

As long as you’re absolutely clear with what the expectation is then as a guest I would not have a problem with this- and would prefer to be told it’s a pay for your own meal affair, rather than miss out on celebrating with you.

Go for it. I’ve been to a wedding where we all paid for our own lunch after the registry office - we paid at the point of ordering, so it was really easy. It was informal and relaxed, a very memorable afternoon. Also, people chose their own food.

It’s about celebrating your marriage, not having a free scoff and booze up. If anyone doesn’t understand that, it’s definitely their loss.