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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you bothered by going to other peoples weddings?

314 replies

incomeout · 04/01/2024 15:57

AIBU to think that most people see going to a wedding as an expensive chore

Finding something to wear. Potential time off work. Childcare arrangements. Wedding gifts. Possible hotel and travel costs. Money for drinks on the day. Time taken for ceremony and all that comes with the day.

Yes it's lovely and all but aside from the couple that are getting married, others can't really be that bothered can they.

On the above basis - would you be tempted to do an elopement wedding, thinking that you would both save yourself loads of money on the wedding and save friends and family the time and expense of attending?

OP posts:
TheAlchemistElixa · 04/01/2024 18:20

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 04/01/2024 16:12

Well I'm getting married but it's where we live, not a posh venue, we are paying for all food and drink, and if you want to come in jeans that's just fine. For out of town guests I've negotiated a cheap rate at the local ibis and are invited people to ours for brunch the next day

I hate weddings but yours sounds great. Have a lovely time!

Josette77 · 04/01/2024 18:22

I have social anxiety but always go.

It's one of the most important days in a person's life. I love being included in that.

DuckonaBike · 04/01/2024 18:22

I think the problem with weddings is that when you’re in your late twenties / early thirties loads of people get married so you have to keep going to weddings and it gets a bit samey. And indeed a bit expensive.

Now, 20 years on, I would love to go to a wedding!

NoMoreBeers · 04/01/2024 18:22

Hate weddings. Long. Boring. Expensive. Crap food. I just went to a registry office with two witnesses.

Squirrelblanket · 04/01/2024 18:22

I'm not bothered about weddings and wouldn't care if I never got invited to one again. The ones I've been to have been fine, we've had a nice enough time etc. But they've all been very samey and very expensive.

We eloped. No one was invited.

DillDanding · 04/01/2024 18:22

We find weddings an absolute bore and a chore. When we were in our 20s, we went to 11 weddings in one year (and 2 lots of those were on the same day so we had to do one each). We were by that stage, so unimpressed with basically going to what felt like the same shit, different venue, that we went abroad to get married and invited nobody.

Now, we are early 50s, so the only weddings we go to are nieces/nephews/young folk (and the very occasional 2nd time-rounder). We are on the ‘oldies’ table. 😂 We’ll turn up, and make every effort to be great guests - but we still roll our eyes when a stiffy drops onto the mat and wish we could politely decline.

Starseeking · 04/01/2024 18:27

I enjoy going to weddings. Even a destination once in a while is fine with me. The overseas one I went to was great as they put on lots of excursions all included.

gannett · 04/01/2024 18:29

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/01/2024 18:15

Honestly as a general rule, yes. I can't stand traditional weddings. I basically disapprove of the whole concept (while I understand that marriage has a lot of good practical applications). I find the idea of a woman being "given away" to a man nauseating.

I also loathe what weddings bring out in people: the narcissism, the attention seeking, the tears and tantrums and the weird thing that happens among female friends when everyone is fighting for their place in the pecking order to be close to the bride (ridiculous dramas over who gets to be bridesmaid complete with flouncing and bitching). It's all a bit Lord of the Flies but with a dash of Jackie Collins. They are also usually grotesquely expensive, both for the hosts and the visitors, and people get obsessed with entirely irrelevant and trivial details about the menu and the table settings etc.

And they are naff. The clothes are usually horribly naff (however tasteful they are supposed to be): the music is naff and food is naff. They are designed to appeal to a middle of the road elderly maiden aunt. And they are usually hosted in naff venues where you can tell the venue host has had to "diversify" because they can't make money from being a farmer any more. Or gross big hotels with hideous decor.

And above all I hate them because of the way women have been brainwashed into thinking a wedding is the summit of what they can achieve in life.

That said, I've been to two or three weddings which have been genuinely lovely because people have gone out of their way to make them special and personal. But I'd rather eat my own hair than sit through another cookie cutter wedding. Thankfully most of my friends who are going to get married have now done so (and some of them have since divorced), so I haven't been to one for many years.

I would loathe those sorts of weddings and behaviour too but the thing is I actually like my friends, and the reason they're my friends is because they're not the kind of people who'd do any of that. I've never encountered any of those weddings in real life.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/01/2024 18:34

@gannett

I would loathe those sorts of weddings and behaviour too but the thing is I actually like my friends, and the reason they're my friends is because they're not the kind of people who'd do any of that. I've never encountered any of those weddings in real life.

Its interesting that you say this: I love my friends too and will even sit through a tedious wedding for them. And some among my friendship group have deliberately not done the Big White Dress wedding.

But a surprising amount of sensible, intelligent people seem to think this is required of them. Whether they are doing it because a grandparent is paying or what I don’t know.. But weddings do something funny to people’s brains. There’s a sort of inevitability about it.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 04/01/2024 18:37

The older I get the more I'm so not bothered about being invited to another wedding again 😂

When we get married, we are doing a small intimate family affair, and no hen weekend etc. just can't deal with the fuss. X

Bellyblueboy · 04/01/2024 18:38

If I know and love the couple getting married and know people attending the wedding then I don’t mind the expense - but I tend to decline invitations to weddings when I don’t know both parties.

it can cost around £1,000 to attend a wedding! It needs to be enjoyable

gannett · 04/01/2024 18:42

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/01/2024 18:34

@gannett

I would loathe those sorts of weddings and behaviour too but the thing is I actually like my friends, and the reason they're my friends is because they're not the kind of people who'd do any of that. I've never encountered any of those weddings in real life.

Its interesting that you say this: I love my friends too and will even sit through a tedious wedding for them. And some among my friendship group have deliberately not done the Big White Dress wedding.

But a surprising amount of sensible, intelligent people seem to think this is required of them. Whether they are doing it because a grandparent is paying or what I don’t know.. But weddings do something funny to people’s brains. There’s a sort of inevitability about it.

I count myself very lucky then. I've gotten through my Big Wedding Season years without any bridezillas, hen dramas, guest dramas or any of that. The music's been good at all of them (often because of me DJing) and they've ranged from traditional to destination (not in a twatty way) to basement nightclub to outdoors.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/01/2024 18:45

@gannett

I count myself very lucky then. I've gotten through my Big Wedding Season years without any bridezillas, hen dramas, guest dramas or any of that. The music's been good at all of them (often because of me DJing) and they've ranged from traditional to destination (not in a twatty way) to basement nightclub to outdoors.

You are lucky in that case!

DamnAllTheJellyfish · 04/01/2024 19:04

I love a wedding, but can see why some people don't and decline. I had to turn down an invite to a cousins wedding recently because it was adult only and obviously my babysitters (family members) were going to the wedding. Me or my sister wouldn't both had been able to go so because it was a Sunday and I wouldn't have been able to book the Monday off work because no annual leave in December I offered the childcare.

Have the wedding YOU WANT and those that don't like/want what you've chosen will decline and those that come will be just as thrilled by the day as you are.

pinkfondu · 04/01/2024 19:27

I don't get invited to many but I love them

LlynTegid · 04/01/2024 19:31

For me it depends on who is marrying. I've never had the situation of being invited to one where I think the chances of it lasting are minimal, though if it were the case, I'd think twice about accepting the invite.

I'd be tempted by a small wedding (say just us and witnesses) because it would save having to decide who to invite or not invite, or the sadness that some people could not attend because of frailty. The two couples I know who had such small weddings are both still married over 20 years later.

Horriblewoman · 04/01/2024 19:33

Weddings? You mean incredible days full of love and joy with free food and drink surrounded by your friends where you can get dressed up and have a dance?

I bloody love them. 2023 was a wedding fallow year and I’ve got two this year, I can’t wait!

GlindaGossamer · 04/01/2024 19:36

Beachbodyready · 04/01/2024 16:15

I hate weddings. The service is just repeating words I've heard many times before so is meaningless. If you are lucky you about 25% of the other guests (assuming equal split between bride and groom and family and friends). I'm happy to go out for a drink with the couple to celebrate but I'd rather keep my weekends for things I'd actually enjoy doing.

Do you feel like this about all rituals? And does it make a difference if you're close to the people? Ie your children.

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 04/01/2024 19:38

I don't find it a chore - I love a good wedding.

Never have much change out of a grand though when me, dh and 2 kids used to go 😄

Luckily most of my fiends and relatives haven't bothered to get married.

DaisyAster · 04/01/2024 19:39

I love a wedding, as long as it's not somewhere like Australia. It's the three-day hen dos that can be a bit of a strain!

Bex5490 · 04/01/2024 19:53

I love weddings of people I love. But…

i now hate weddings of DH’s friends I don’t know well or distant cousins. Beung pregnant and sitting through heartfelt speeches about people you couldn’t care less about sober is really not the one…

When I was skinny and single though I used to love any wedding. Free booze and all men look better in a suit! 🤷🏽‍♀️

Ohnotyoutoo · 04/01/2024 19:55

I do love a wedding! I don't mind travelling for one, either. Lots of fun and excitement.

That said, I've not been to many weddings since having kids, but every time I have gone ita worked out.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 04/01/2024 21:16

I love weddings .
Getting dressed up in a new outfit.
Getting tipsy
The evening buffet and disco.

GinAndJuice99 · 04/01/2024 21:21

they're too fucking long

if they were much shorter they'd be OK

RampantIvy · 04/01/2024 21:23

But then a disturbing proportion of MN does seem to hate their friends and family and treat them with contempt.

An even more disturbing number just seem to hate other people.

None of the weddings I have been to have had bridezillas with unreasonable expectations. Our friends and family are just not like that.