Are you bothered by going to other peoples weddings?

[incomeout]

AIBU to think that most people see going to a wedding as an expensive chore

Finding something to wear. Potential time off work. Childcare arrangements. Wedding gifts. Possible hotel and travel costs. Money for drinks on the day. Time taken for ceremony and all that comes with the day.

Yes it's lovely and all but aside from the couple that are getting married, others can't really be that bothered can they.

On the above basis - would you be tempted to do an elopement wedding, thinking that you would both save yourself loads of money on the wedding and save friends and family the time and expense of attending?

Last one I was invited to, I made excuses and didn't go.

Good job too, as they divorced, so saved a few quid there.

Some of your previous comments sound awful. You’d feel ‘bitter’ about attending a friends wedding because you don’t like parties? You could attend the ceremony and meal, offer well wishes and leave?

Unless it’s a destination wedding (where guest lists are normally restricted to super close f&f), you don’t need to spend much. Wear an outfit you have, give a token gift, make something even?, and if you don’t like parties you wouldn’t drink and would leave early, negating the need for a hotel. So what is so expensive?

Thankfully my friends and family are lovely and supportive so everyone is looking forward to my wedding 🥰

How strange. If they had remained married, however unhappily, till the death of one, would you have considered your ‘few quid’ grudgingly well spent?

It's really astonishing how many MNers get invited to weddings of virtual strangers. People they don't like, whose taste they look down on and where they know no one else to socialise with.

Of course I would hate a wedding of people I disliked where I didn't know anyone... but surely those invites are few and far between.

Weddings can be as much of a chore/faff for guests as the bride and groom make it, IMO.

I think people can be bothered going to weddings, providing there's not a huge expectation of expense and outlay of time.

What I mean is-if the couple expect all their guests/certain guests to stay over at a hotel, pay for travel and drink, outfit, potential childcare/pet care, gift alongside giving up annual leave at work-it can feel like a complete chore and even a drain to attend it.

I'm not saying couples shouldn't get to have the wedding of their dreams-but expectations surrounding guests should be adjusted accordingly. If a couple wants to have a destination wedding abroad-they can't be upset when people can't attend, for example.

I've seen some people expecting their guests to spend all that it takes to get to the wedding-including hotel stays etc and still expect a pricey gift/high amount of money on top of that.

That, for me, is where the chore/faff/drain comes in. I think some people could learn to rein in their expectations on their guests and understand that whilst their day is very important to them (and everyone would wish them well and be happy for them) it's often not the top of everyone else's priority list and that that is OK and normal.

My DB recently got married and boy, I was glad when it was over. It was a wonderful day and a lovely ceremony, but the drama and faff leading up to it, and the expense of staying factored in, ended up grating on me and other people. They did really well with the wedding, but I sometimes think when there's a big outlay of expense on the couple's part-there's pressure to make the day absolutely perfect and that can mean the couple placing unreasonable/unrealistic expectations on their guests.

@upthehills1 no I am not "bitter" - it's just not an environment I enjoy being in.
As I have said - for very close relatives I would suck it up and go but I don't have any friends that I am that close enough with to potentially have to pay a lot of money to put myself in an environment I would find myself unhappy and uncomfortable (and bored) in.
As for "what is expensive" ?
Well for a start - getting there. Unless it's walking distance I would have to pay for public transport and possibly taxis too. Have you seen the price of train fares lately? Not cheap.

@gannett, you’re forgetting that ‘friend’ for a disproportionately high number of Mners means something like ‘someone I socialise with but don’t much like’.

Yes. I consider it an honour to be invited, particularly given the expense, and throw myself all in.

Well for a start - getting there. Unless it's walking distance I would have to pay for public transport and possibly taxis too. Have you seen the price of train fares lately? Not cheap.

I see this argument on quite a few threads - not just wedding ones. It doesn't really take into account the fact that where you have 2 families, couples, or individuals with similar budget, the ones who have decided not to run a car will have a lot more in their budget than the family who do - who have already paid out for the car, tax, MOT, insurance, running costs. Those that don't, still have that in their budget.
If it is too far / to difficult / too expensive to get to because of your life's circumstances at the time, then you have the option to not go unless it is someone really close like a sibling. Where is is a sibling, then you would know so many other people going, it is likely you could ask someone to car share with.

As is said so often on here - it is an invitation not a summons.

Bitter was your choice of word - ‘I would feel quite bitter to have to pay out for an event I am unlikely to enjoy’

Obviously if you are having financial issues at the time then It’s your decision if you can’t afford the travel cost. Most people do have means of transport or could share, so I think this is an exception.

@upthehills1 ok - I stand corrected if I used the word "bitter" 😂
But to be honest I probably would be.
But wouldn't anyone who has only a modest amount of money that could be used for "fun" things be a bit bitter if they had to use it towards something they really wouldn't enjoy?
Think about it. You can either afford to :
1- Take your child for a day at a place which they enjoy, you enjoy and it would be a really lovely day?
or
2 - Buy tickets to a musical you've wanted to see since you were 8 years old?
or
3 - go to a wedding for a friend and be really miserable, bored and uncomfortable?
Wouldn't you be just a little bit bitter (or pissed off) if you were told you HAD to choose option 3 ?
Oh and it's not "financial issues" - it's just normal modest wage life.

My experience of weddings is nothing like the ones so many bitter sounding mumsnetters complain about. I have been to one wedding and one evening do last year, and thoroughly enjoyed both.

No-one I know is the type of person to make a song and dance about getting married. They just book the venue, the food, the outfit, the drinks and away we go. No-one has guilt tripped us into going to any weddings, we haven't spent a fortune. The dress I wore last year is one I can wear again. Sadly, due to the crap summer we had last year I have only worn it a couple of times, but I have worn the jacket a lot.

I don't understand why so many people feel guilt tripped into spending money they don't have.

This comment made me chuckle 🤭 the older you get it's so true!

I’m running out of weddings to go to know as most of my good friends are married now! It makes me sad - there were such good memories. The only time I dress up! And it’s always some interesting venue and I always cry.

maybe if I was single or having problems with my own love life I’d find them harder

My experience too

I go to weddings because I feel duty-bound to do so, not because I actually want to. I am happy for the couple getting married and there are parts of the day that I will enjoy, but quite honestly I see it as a chore and would rather not go. But maybe I’m just a misery guts.

But WHY would you ‘miserable, bored and uncomfortable’ at a friend’s wedding?

No, but then I also just don’t attend weddings if I don’t care about being there to celebrate with the couple. I don’t particularly care about weddings so much as I enjoy celebrating & supporting people in my life in something that’s hugely important for them. I don’t care if we do that with burgers and lemonade in someone’s backyard or a big traditional ceremony and reception.

If you don’t want to go, just do everyone a favor and decline the invite. Stop wasting their money and yours.

@Needmorelego

i don’t get this either!

Can’t answer for that person but personally I find the whole ceremony/ritual cringey. I don’t like the institution of marriage. If I wanted to see people playing dress up and reciting lines I’d go and watch a play

Nothing against getting married, but weddings are self indulgent, attention seeking nonsense.

They often cause at least six months of stress and angst for one day.

I know many couples that cringe at the money they spent on one day.

I think of all the weddings I have been to and I can think of two, both destinatiosn that combined a holiday, that I really enjoyed as it served two purposes.

Genuinely, I would make an excuse not to attend one now due to the cost and tedium, no matter how close I was to the couple involved.

True. I don't know how you end up with a life like that though. Making sure the people around me are people I actually like has always been a goal for me but I didn't realise until reading MN that it isn't the norm.

Nothing against getting married, but weddings are self indulgent, attention seeking nonsense.

They don't have to be. The only large wedding I have been to was when my godmother got married. I was a child at the time so didn't think it was self indulgent attention seeking nonsense. They were married for well over 40 years until her husband died.

All other weddings I have been to have been pretty informal affairs with no unreasonable expecations of the guests. I have never been invited to a destination wedding.

@HareSalient @LuckySantangelo35 it's really simple.
I don't like "dressy" clothes. I am short and fat and not much suits me. I am a trackies and t-shirt type of gal. Wearing more smarter clothes I feel self conscious and uncomfortable.
I don't like formal meals. There's a lot of foods I don't like and if eating at an event I prefer more casual buffet style or pizza/BBQ type which weddings don't tend to go for.
I don't like alcohol and frequently feel uncomfortable around people who are drinking because their behaviour changes.
I don't like discos. I find them too loud and quite frankly boring.
I feel self conscious in formal photos (see the short and fat comment above).
So there ..... reasons I don't really enjoy weddings.
Is that really that hard to understand?
I also don't enjoy rugby, boxing, jazz music, science fiction novels, the smell of coffee, snakes, people who listen to music at volume 11 on the bus...... it's normal to have things that you don't like, enjoy or get any pleasure out of.
As I have said if my daughter, nephew or nieces get married I will suck up my feelings and grin and bare it for them.
But for someone I am just friends with - sorry but I am not going to pay out money to spend several hours in boredom and misery.