Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

You really present badly.

You blame her alone for the child’s existence

You consider yourself superior in some way

You make accusations against her

You are jealous of her and the relationship she has with your MIL

Honestly, you just come across as bratty

We drive to the in laws around every 2 months, and stay the weekend. I would call that occasional! They don’t visit us. The last visit was at Christmas, sorry for any confusion.

The mum lives a lot closer than we do.

No not great that she slapped her child. However this is a rare occurrence, and no safe guarding issues. Decent parents hitting their children does happen sometimes. It does not make me think child is unsafe with her.

I think the problem is you're assessing your relative relationships with MIL through the medium of what you do for her son and her grandchildren. So you've dedicated your life to being with him, raising his child, helping to raise his other child. You should have a degree of status as DIL as well as Mother of Grandchild.

The other woman however is merely a Mother of Grandchild, and she's not as good as you at it.

However she's looking at you as two women. One had a ONS with her son, he didn't marry her so she was left raising the baby partly alone with no support. So Mil was able to step in. Maybe they share a sense of humour, taste in movies, love of her country etc. They connect as two adult women.

You got pregnant within a marriage to her son so naturally have his full on support. She wasn't needed. Maybe you don't have that natural connection - DH doesn't have much of a relationship with her so not unusual for you to not click with her as much.

If you want a relationship with MIL as two humans, work at it. Don't assume you're entitled to it because of your marriage.

From your MILs perspective she has two grandchildren where the mothers don’t have their family with them in the UK. The difference is that you get to have your DH with you every day and your child gets to have two parents in the same home as her every day

The other child does not have the same experience, so MIL likely feels that she has to fill that gap (I know that you say there is a partner so there is two parents every day but you say MIL doesn’t know that)

I know this is an anonymous forum but you are coming across a bit bitter and as if you should be viewed better because you got married. But as I said the MIL likely views you both as the mother of her grandchild, so the ring doesn’t make a difference to her. Which is the right way to behave imo when it comes to children in a family

But you seem to be taking this out on MIL who thinks those things - alone etc - are true. She's trying to be a good Gran which includes making sure Mom is ok.

Was there an overlap op?

I think you’ve uncovered another feeling I have which is that MIL is closer/favours her child over mine and looks after her child (but not mine)
You don't live near MIL
Your husband doesn't 'socialise' with his family
There is NO WAY your feelings about the mother are not blatantly obvious to everyone else. That in itself would bring out the protective feelings towards this child. Maybe MIL is overcompensating for your ill hidden opinions. I mean really? She's a 'not so good' mother who got herself pregnant when your precious DH only wanted a shag? No thoughts on the stupidity of your DH in that situation? And, despite having her own life and relationship which you seem to think invalidates her wish to also have a relationship with your MIL, you think she is pining over your DH? Honestly, nothing you've written indicates he's worth harbouring a hidden desire for 🙄

It really isn't hard to understand why MIL has a relationship with both the mother and the child. Self reflection would probably be helpful here OP. Just like you seem to 'hear' all about what she is up to, she may also be well aware of how you feel about her

Thank you, I think you’ve been quite insightful and maybe this is the source of my mistake. By not expecting her to to part of my in laws family, the relationships seem more unreasonable. If she were e.g. a SIL who in laws preferred it would make more sense to me.

I appreciate everyone saying IABU so I will take that on board.

an even more established part; because she has been around longer... just because you got the ring; doesn't demean her part as a parent of the MIL'S grandchild.

No, in fact several years separation and both having had other relationships in between.

How is your relationship with your MIL generally? Do you feel she likes you?
Realistically though, I get that you feel what you feel internally, but what would it achieve by telling your MIL you don't like her having a relationship with your husbands baby mother?

So TELL her!

Maybe she's playing MIL like a bloody fiddle, "poor me, all alone, no family, my saviour you are" when she's just a great actress in order to get all this preferential treatment and free childcare while she chills out fancy free with her boyfriend, minus the child she tells "I wish I never had you."

Tell MIL. What the hell is this when she's with her son, daughter in-law, grandchild, on Christmas Day and none of that matters, just more wittering on about this "poor woman" being lonely, when the reality is she's sat with her own family with the kid getting presents piled on?!

And why the hell are you paying half her mortgage???

It’s incredibly rude that she want acknowledge you, when you care for her child. It’s really immature and it would annoy me too.

However, you need to rise above all of this or it will drive you crazy. So what, your MIL treats her better than you, you sadly can’t control it. Only worry about what you can control.

Relationship is fine/lovely when we see each other. Chat, ask about each other. We don’t talk on the phone or have ‘dates’ when we are not visiting the in laws. So I guess cordial but not really ‘friends’.

I would never actually say that I don’t like her having a friendship with DH ex. I never say anything negative about her to anyone (only on this forum where I can vent a bit)

Even if there was no children involved, I will never understand how people think when a relationship ends that everyone around them has to stop having a relationship with that person and cut ties. They build a bond and become close and because it doesn’t work out for a couple, doesn’t mean friendships die with it.

Because I don’t want to be meddle/stir/be bitter! I kind of want to though. How would you approach this?

DH technically pays half their mortgage as child lives there. In lieu of maintenance. Will sell hopefully when child reaches 18.

Yes all of this does annoy me.

She gets weekends childfree with her bf. Child free time is a dream for me!

This! ⬆️

She's living in a house owned by DH?

They are 50:50 owners.

How do they own a house together if they never had a relationship?

DH agreed to do help with half the mortgage in lieu of child maintenance.

This is also something that annoys me, tbh!

I try to put my head in the sand about this.

It's actually not the worst thing in the world.

If he paid her (say) £500 a month cash, she can do what she wants with it.

He pays off £500 of a £1000 mortgage payment, of a property he owns, so gaining equity by both reducing the mortgage and increasing house prices, so he'll get essentially all of this back when the house is sold/she is forced to buy him out.

I meant more in the sense, if she was essentially a nobody, how do they own a joint property? Or was all this done after the kid was born?

Done when the child was about 6yo. (And before DH met me). She’s also foreign so mortgage on her own would be harder to get (I think).

Yes the idea was a practical one that DH would get some money back when and so would she. Must admit I’m not thrilled about the shared mortgage thing though.