Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

I think the majority of these comments are extremely harsh. Of course MIL can choose to be friends with who she likes and it’s commendable that she supports the mother of her grandchild. However, (barring any negative history) she should be making an equal effort with her DIL and her other grandchild. The OP has a right to feel hurt if that’s not happening and is trying to navigate that.

Also, when it comes to family, a fling who they presumably hadn’t even met before she got pregnant isn’t on the same level as their son’s wife who he’s been with for years. Yes, be friendly and invite MIL to any events for the child but her own birthday party? Seems a bit ott and unnecessary.

I think a key question would be why she didn’t want to meet you and how she handled that? If she said she was fine not to meet because she trusted your DH’s judgment, cool but if she was negative and acted like she wanted nothing to do with you, then I’d also believe that maybe something else was going on. Like she resents the family life you have with DH and being overly pally with MIL is a way to compete with you.

The mum lives a lot closer than we do

Well this will be why the MIL sees her and SDC more then!! Nothing to do with favouritism 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️. If she’s much closer by obviously it’s going to be easier for MIL to help her and and form a close relationship with that DGC.

In my opinion you're being completely unreasonable. You come across here as a bit needy and insecure. Not saying that to be horrible, it's just how you sound. Your inlaws sound lovely and it's refreshing to hear that they aren't just there for their grandchild but also for their mum.

I feel that you are looking at this the wrong way.

Her not having a relationship with your ex doesn't mean that she is not part of the family, She IS part of the family because she has a child with your DH.
This immediately makes her family to your inlaws, to your child and even to you.
Families come in all shapes and sizes nowadays and isn't just the average 2 adults and 2 children.
You said your DH didn't have a relationship with her, but they obviously were attracted to each other and slept together ( I don't know how many times) and I expect this is what you are really having the issue with. because your inlaws are keeping her around and present in the family, maybe you feel threatened that your DH might feel attracted to her again.
Maybe concentrate and work on your relationship with your DH, keep things fresh and exciting. you won't be so worried about what your inlaws are up to then. Or maybe you want a better relationship with your inlaws in which case invite them round to see your child more often, sit and chat with them build your own relationship with them.
as for them not helping with childcare do you ask them to babysit and they refuse?
if this is the case you need to look at this with your DH and find a way forward with them. or if its just a case of them not offering then why don't you arrange a date with your DH and ask them to Babysit, test the waters. I bet they will as they sound like nice people. This will strengthen your child's relationship with them also.

Ok. There's a lot.
First, if you are anxious about how this lady parents her child you should raise it with your husband, MIL, or the relevant authorities. Perhaps MIL can also see this lady finds it hard and is helping as she feels the lady is unstable and struggling? Have you asked MIL about this? We've all had days where our child is frustrating and said things to them we regret (perhaps not of that magnitude, but being a single mum is hard)
Second, if you want a good relationship with MIL - as her own son doesn't have - you're going to have to initiate it. Why doesn't he see her? Is that a factor? I know lots of women crave a better relationship with MIL and expect to be treated as blood family straight away just because they are involved with family, when actually it's a relationship, trickier than most but like any, that needs work to build.
Third, son can be annoyed all he likes at this unwanted pregnancy ruining his plans but it's 50% his own doing so that's very unreasonable of him. He needs to own it.
Fourth, if you move abroad there's a good chance there will be ructions over the firstborn and how the childcare split works...you must know this. It will not solve issues but deepen them.
Yes it's odd she won't meet you but on the other hand does she have a good relationship with DH? How hard has he tried to make this all amicable and friendly? Do you absolutely know he's not playing you off against each other?
Lastly, child free time is something people in relationships often resent single parents for. "I have to parent the step children and my own and she gets to go out every other weekend!'
Well, yes, you do. You knew this before you started this family. No one with kids has a right to time without them, but the kids have a right to see both parents, so a split often creates child free time as a by product and not a key objective of parental contact/custody. You haven't had such a split yourself.

You could try imagining being a single mum in a country you don't know, with no family .....

In the grand scheme of things whats a few gifts and going to parties...

As plenty of others have said that is as much their grandchild as yours and DH child. They probably offer less support because you and DH are bringing up your child together.

I'd get over it and start being kinder... its his child and their mother isn't going anywhere. Make your life easier and drop any resentment... you might actually like her too....if you'd give her a chance.

One of the most unreasonable AIBU I’ve actually read on here! Wow the jealously and nastiness is dreadful! She was a casual thing, a one off, I’m family she isn’t! She’s the god damn mother of his child. His family sound absolutely lovely supporting her whereas you sound like a jealous spoilt school girl who can’t except that he had a life before you. And now as soon as you don’t like the answers all of a sudden it’s MIL favours the step child etc: you really need to grow up to be honest: you got with a man full well knowing he had a child with someone.

I get where you're coming from because mil isn't treating you the same way. Mil should be occasionally baby sitting your children, and making an effort to bond with you too. My mil before she passed on, used to baby sit and call me for a chat. It was nice, she made me feel welcomed and a part of the family.

I think it’s lovely they maintain a good relationship with her / it makes such a positive difference to the children when split families get along still. My own MIL even has pictures of ex-SIL (who was only in a relationship with BIL for less than a year, they have 1 child together) on her fireplace. Simply because it’s nice for DNiece to see her mum’s picture when she visits her granny.

Be glad that they’re kind. Maybe take a leaf out their book and stop expecting relationships to only be valid until someone new pops along.

It’s also refreshing to hear that a woman isn’t being treated like a piece of garbage just because some bloke was careless with his respect and his contraception.

OP there is a similar dynamic in my family. My brother had a shortish relationship with a woman from another country and had a baby very quickly, she cheated on him (quite horrendously tbh) when DN was under 1 and they split.

My parents (and indeed all of us) have maintained a relationship with her, my parents have always helped with childcare etc. We do like her (not more than DB's wife,!) but there is an underlying fear that she might move back to her home country with DN without the support network we provide. I can imagine my DB's wife may be resentful (although she's never shown it) but the reality is that her DD with my DB is not at risk of disappearing off to another country (even if they split)

Could it be something like this? Not that she and her child are actively preferred over you and your DC but that there's more fear of losing that grandchild?

You are describing jealousy which is a horrible, stomach curdling emotion and extremely hard to rationalise. I have only had it once when I met my now DH and it took months to make it manageable. I ended up re-framing his ex in my head. Thinking through the punch points that made me feel that horrible acid spike when I thought of her. It’s usually about your own insecurities and identifying them will help. Emotions can be really painful, particularly when they make you feel bad.. and, by definition, they’re not rational. Good luck with it. ❤️

I was surprised to see that so many of you don’t see a DIL as a special role in an of itself (worthless to you basically).

This last sentence shows you still don’t get it even after all your reflections. Just because you got the ring doesn’t make you superior to anyone else, including the mother of your MIL grandchild

Lots of women I think see the daughter in law as ‘taking their son’ away….
I wonder if in this situation your MIL sees the mother of this child as someone she’s never ‘had to’ compete with??

I think a lot of people are being harsh on the OP. She has offered to meet this other person and that was rebuffed so I think this other woman isn't interested in the family being a full unit. She has the DH and the MIL exactly where she wants them and dancing to her tune from the sound of it. YANBU.

its entirely your MIL’s business who she considers as family, not yours. Get over yourself.

Your MIL possibly doesn’t see the need to help you as you have the benefit of being a couple. Seems only fair that the mother of your partner’s child is more likely to need help - assuming she is a single parent. You really need to get over yourself sounds like you are spending a lot of time and energy on something you can’t control and can’t change. Accept it and move on.

When you say you're paying her mortgage, what you actually mean is that your prince among men is paying the mortgage on a house that he jointly owns and that he fully expects to reap the profits from when the child turns 18. So, in fact, he isn't even paying towards his child's upbringing, never mind the ex's mortgage, only paying into his own asset.

The pair of you sound worse and worse with every update. Perhaps your MIL is nice to this woman out of embarrassment over her son's behaviour?

She is family, she's the mother of their grandchild.
You've got the man, why so insecure?

Maybe your MIL likes her more because she’s an adult and not a needy child. You need to grow up.

Mind your business about the ex and MIL relationship as it’s nothing to do with you.

You only know about the previous relationship from your DH point of view, especially as you’ve never met the ex.

Not only are you being unreasonable, you are being jealous, selfish, childish and probably causing all sorts of issues when there is no need.
Stop creating problems.

£500 a month in Yorkshire, let alone London sounds cheap. You can subsidise all you want and if you want to, can afford to, then do! BUT are you preparing her for the harsh realities of independence and home ownership. I don't know if you are a single Parent so only have one income or not but if you are coming up to retirement in London, YOU will need every penny yourself. I'm NHS and live in Yorkshire and as a single parent, I think you are already subsidising your kid but it depends on what she earns. Where else could she live for so little? Why doesn't she go back to her boyfriends? I would really need to know this before I could judge. If you are scrimping at £500 and she wants to pay less and live the highlife, then no, she needs to learn about priorities and paying her way. For those of you that say £500 is too much, you can't judge when you don't know the finances involved.