Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

Btw thank you for saying this, it makes me feel better hearing someone else say it’s not a bad idea.

You feel whatever you like, but you do not get to choose who others see as family. Many people see friends as family. She is the mother of their grandchild, she is family to them. She was family before you were even.

Well, it's a super idea for him.

She must be thick as mince to agree with it though.

Says it's a £250k house. Bought when the kid was 6. Therefore only max 12yrs of mortgage paid off when she's got to sell. Let's say each put up £25k deposit and the mortgage is £200k.

After 12yrs, the mortgage will be maybe £140k. So £60k paid off. £30k equity there each.

Let's say the house has also gone up to £330k. Increase in equity of £40k each.

So, DH on sale of property, receives his £25k back, plus the £30k back, that was her "maintenance" plus the £40k increase from her living in that house. Plus he's got his house with you. He's getting back all the "maintenance" he's paid over, in equity!

Dh ruined his life. Dh wrecked his nuclear family plan. Dh got her pregnant! She did not do it alone. Perhaps she wanted to be with dh, maybe she is jealous. Your child has what everyone wants for their children. She can feel whatever way she feels. It is not up to you.

I think this is really very wrong. You chose to have a child here. With a man who has a child here. I moved here to be with my partner and also live away from my family. I thought long and hard about having children, because I knew that meant me commiting to this place.

He has a child here. You attached yourself to a preexisting family. Your dh belongs with his child. Asking him to move is appalling.

She's the mother of the child- so obviously IS family.
How is it affecting you that they're friends?

Does the grandchild never mention oh Steve did this, We were at Steve's Mom's last week?

Lol Um thanks.

Nothing with dating those of us who are single parents, but you do need to not be jealous and insecure because a family unit already exists there.

My BF is stuck with me and my ex for as long as he is with me. My ex and I have a son together and will always be family.

If both their names are on the mortgage legally he is jointly liable for the debt. He's not doing her a favour.

Technically she is entitled to child maintenance on top of what he's paying for the mortgage.

There is nothing stopping her filing a claim with CMS. He's still on the hook for the mortgage.

Never. Child very discrete.

Her relationship with your MIL is none of your business, you are coming across and needy and insecure which you would benefit with working on

Child very discrete.

What the hell does that mean? You are delusional if you think your MIL will change her mind or decide to stop helping or having a relationship with her grandchild and mother of her grandchild just because the mother has a boyfriend with a family that helps them out too. You are SO unbelievably jealous of this woman and her life. So what if she gets child free time and YOU don’t. She could split up from his boyfriend tomorrow and have no further contact. Her relationship with your mother in law will be for life and you need to accept that.

That means the child has been told not to mention mummy has a boyfriend and whole other family set up.

Now ask why the mother would want to trick MIL into thinking this.

Hi OP,

From one stepmother to another, YANBU.

Your MIL is favouring this woman and her child - your stepchild - over your child. As they are both her grandchildren, this is bound to cause resentment. There are plenty of posters on this forum who get upset when their siblings' children are given preferential treatment by the grandparents.

I don't see why you should have any regard for your SC's mother when she is refusing to meet you. That's pretty rude of her actually.

Your MIL can, as many others have pointed out to you, have whatever relationships she likes. But so can you, so you are free to take a step back from her if this is pissing you off.

Forgive me for not reading the whole thread - would be curious to know what your husband thinks. I think MIL should be following his lead tbh in terms of contact. If this was my son, I wouldn't be besties with his ex (I know she isn't even really an ex) if this made him uncomfortable- I'd just be polite on family occasions to do with the children.

Oh please 🙄
Why on earth would the mother having “another family set up” in any way stop the MIL from being there for the grandchild?!
Surely the MIL expects the woman to move on with her life and have relationships and for her grandchild to have relationships with new people also. Just because the boyfriend has parents who see the child doesn’t mean anything needs to change reguarding her own relationship with her grandchild.

She is just as much your MIL's family as you are OP. She's the mother of their grandchild. Keeping her close, supporting her, treating her like family, benefits the grandchild. It is really odd she doesn't want to meet you though, considering you care for your step child. Do you know why?

Maybe he should as she has a volatile relationship with her child. And won't he miss them

Still curious - what ages are the GC?

I don't get this. She really, really isn't. She's a former casual fling of OP's DH - not his life partner and wife, as OP is.

Not because of the quality of relationship between her and this DH. Because she's the mother of a grandchild.

"Lady is nice to her grandchilds mum" is basically what you have an issue with? Why do you think they're not family to each other? You sound awful op sorry.

She's not "family" in the sense that OP is on paper, no.
OP is her current daughter in law.
The other woman is the mother of her grandchild.

But that doesn't mean that her relationship with OP should be any different to her relationship with the mother. Why should she not have a good relationship with the mother of her grandchild?

She's known her much longer, 6+ years according to the OP. Shock horror in that time they might have formed a close friendship.

OP says she and MIL only have a cordial relationship. It doesn't seem like she's taken much time to get to know the MIL on a personal level and has just expected a close relationship but put no effort in. You only get out of relationships what you put in to be honest.

After reading all your replies you don't sound awful op. Sorry for saying that. You first post sounds harsh but I get it now. I should have read it all to begin with. Annoyingly for you though she will always be MILs family.

I think though, with so many of the AIBUs, the fundamental issue for the OP is that she has expectations of other people's behaviour that, for whatever reason, they're not meeting. It's not that she's a bad person or that any of the other people are bad (even though the OP very strongly feels that we should understand the other mother is quite a bad person), but frustrated expectations can feel like you've been wronged at times. However, your only option is to step back and analyse the situation dispassionately, which is what I think posters are encouraging, even if the wording is strong at times.

There is a universal lesson for everyone forming relationships though - if you don't want complexity and you want to be the most important person at all times, don't involve yourself with a parent.

Why on earth would the mother having “another family set up” in any way stop the MIL from being there for the grandchild?!

Because she can't pretend to be the poor lonely single mother, all alone in this country, to have MIL running after them the whole time if she tells the truth. She actually sounds like quite the manipulative piece of work.

MIL sat there on Christmas day, worrying about them being alone, while they were with their whole other family, in-laws, kid "laden with presents". Yet all this was kept from MIL. And OP has to sit there with her child, while MIL handwrings about what in fact, is a total act, instead of focusing on the grandchild in front of her.

OP, you need to say something. You need to tell MIL she's got a partner and whole other family. She's playing MIL like a fiddle, all to her benefit and your detriment. And boy, she knows it. She's made sure the child knows what not to say as well.

No she doesn't need to interfere with their relationship. Her relationship with OP is completely separate from her relationship with the mother. OP doesn't need to worry about their relationship, only her own one with the MIL.

Possibly if she knew that the mother was in a serious relationship and not lonely she might not worry about her so much maybe, maybe she wouldn't have mentioned them being alone on Christmas. Thats a possibility, maybe. But it won't change the fact that she's her grandmother and will want to spend time with the child and have a good relationship with the mother! It just won't.