Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

YABU. She is her granchild's mother. She absolutely is family to your MIL.

Exactly.

It’s good that MIL is treating the child from a casual encounter the same as a child from a committed relationship. Children don’t pick their parents.
You mention that ex’s parents live overseas. By being friendly she reduces the likelihood of ex moving away for support which is a smart move if you want to see your grandchild regularly. Your h benefits from his ex not moving away too. If she moved overseas then contact with his child would be costly and possibly take up the majority of his annual leave
Are you concerned that MIL is closer to her older grandchild than your child because she doesn’t have them on her own? That is a more reasonable worry than MIL being friends with ex.

You're being very, very unreasonable.

First of all, you don't get to decide who is/isn't part of your MIL's family. Your partner's ex is the mother of her grandchild, so that's a good a reason as any to treat her as family.

The fact that she has a boyfriend is irrelevant. The fact that you 'help to look after her child' is also irrelevant. You aren't doing her a favour by looking after 'her' child. You are doing your husband a favour by looking after HIS child.

Your husband was never even in a relationship with her so I really don't understand the level of hostility and jealousy here. What's it to you if your MIL goes to her birthday party? Why does it make a difference that your DH didn't? He isn't friends with her. Your MIL is.

It is really bloody weird to resent a woman who has never done a thing to harm you having a cordial relationship with her own child's grandparent. Get a grip and stop obsessing over her.

It is also very positive for the grandchild that her mother and grandmother have a good and supportive relationship.

I’d imagine your MIL feels guilty in some way that her son impregnated someone he wasn’t in a steady relationship with and that this woman doesn’t have a support network of any kind so MIL felt the need to help out. If it’s MIL’s first Grandchild, that will make a difference too (I’ve found many Grandparents favour the first).

Doubt it’s anything personal, she’s had a relationship with his ex longer than you so knows her better that’s all.

Thanks for the replies!

Someone commented about how she doesn’t want to meet me - I found that annoying as my thinking was, Ok I may as well be friendly with her too, so why is she happy to talk to everyone in this family but me? I treat her child very well btw.

She. Had. His. Baby.

It doesn't matter whether that was a 'casual encounter' or whether they were married for 20 years. Her child is your PILs' grandchild just as much as yours is, and your PILs are therefore linked to her in the same way as they are linked to you. This isn't the 1850s.

You don't get elevated status just because you've had your husband's willy inside you more times than she did. That doesn't make you or your child more important than her or her child is.

I think you’ve uncovered another feeling I have which is that MIL is closer/favours her child over mine and looks after her child (but not mine).

You don't consider her to be part of your family, but it sounds like your in laws think of her as part of theirs.

Think about it, if your son had a child with a woman who had no family in the country, what would you do to ensure she stayed in the UK so that you had access to your grandchild? You'd help with childcare, be a support to her, build a bond.

If you're bothered about a perceived disparity in how MIL treats you both, put a bit more effort into the relationship with her and don't pay any more mind to your step child's mother

How old is your child OP? Have you or DH asked MIL to look after them?

Unnecessarily crass language

I think you’re getting quite a hard time on here - and while I do think YABU I think it’s really good that you’re unpacking and examining your feelings. Ultimately, I think this is about you wanting a closer relationship with your MIL for you and your child, I’d work on that & leave this other woman out of it. Maybe your MIL feels you need her less if your own family are around? Or maybe she just feels you have less in common? Either way, none of it is your DH’s exes fault or responsibility

She doesn't have to meet you if she doesn't want to. She may not need any more friends. If your DH has contact with his child then no doubt you do too.

You come across pretty judgey about her and clearly throwing back it was a casual encounter on her part like she deserves to be ostracised by the family yet I assume you don’t think so low of your husband? Either your views have got back to her/ your in laws (kids hear everything so if you’ve made comments to your husband maybe her child has told her?) or it’s something that’s quite obvious in how you are about the situation.

It’s two totally separate relationships between you and her and your in laws, you BOTH have their grandchildren so you’re equal mothers to them regardless of marriage and if you’re not happy with that then it’s your issue with your husband for creating this situation. You can’t dictate his family’s relationship with her, only choose how you fit in and whether you make your issues a point of tension or learn to let it go, since technically she was part of the family first.

But saying things like she’s not family is likely why your in laws have their back up, and possibly why they don’t extend similar help to you? I wouldn’t want someone making comments about the mother of my grandchild either.

Strong women support one another OP, not try to bring them dowm.

Thank you @VisiblyNot25
You’ve been the kindest by far.

Of course you aren't unreasonable to feel this way. It's really annoying (on the face of it) as it suggests MIL prefers the ex and no one on Mumsnet will ever convince me that that isn't a horrible feeling.

But, you do need to get over it. I'd start by playing the nicest possible you can with MIL and being sad she won't meet you (which is incredibly pathetic of her). I mean, if she wants to stay involved in her surrogate family she needs to be nice to you as much as you need to be nice to her.

You're jealous you think your mil likes her more than you. Grow up and get on with it

I might add you are the mother of her child's half sibling. So if you are supposed to respect her as the mother of your stepchild, it should absolutely be reciprocal. She is being far more petty than you by not meeting ups - a simple action that would make everyone feel better by humanising each other.

Well in a way she is part of DH's family as she's the mother of their grandchild

Someone asked about my own support network - I am also from another country and at this rate want to move my family overseas.

I never say anything negative in front of the child.

You grow up and look more empathetically at a complicated situation with layers of emotion that aren't easy. Honestly, people like you ruin this forum.

Even if the child hadn’t been related to her, sometimes adult women become close friends and try to support one another.
Are you upset that you’re not close with MIL?
What’s your relationship with your mum like ? If it’s not close, were you hoping to be close to make up for it?

I am still unsure why you want to meet her? If you’ve bitched about her to MIL or child has overheard something you thought was private, then is it possible that she knows what you think about her?