Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

No need for nastiness @SleepingStandingUp

Have you considered this is why the in laws are giving her more support and not cutting her off? Do you think it would be beneficial to the child for her mother to have less support? Why isn't DH going to court for full custody instead of leaving child with abusive mother? Why is he adjudicating abusive behaviour instead of p protecting his child?

Oft the jealousy control and insecurity just hits like a bus. Well done mil 👏 she recognises mum's happiness is the kids happiness and mum is isolated.

Agree with posters there might be jealousy but I think jealousy is normal. I think MIL is making a mistake helping one GC more. They should be treated equally and her son should step up more.

OP says her husband barely speaks to his parents and doesn’t socialise with them so maybe that’s why they haven’t got a close relationship with OPs child, it could have nothing to do with “favouring” the other grandchild. That’s just OPs perception.

@Janieforever you’re wrong, those aren’t worries of mine at all. I don’t give a hoot who he has been with in the past, and I have never worried about him fancying her.

So… hold on a minute: she’s such a bad mother you’re thinking of taking the child from her and moving abroad; but also, she’s such a good mother your husband wouldn’t bat an eyelid if SHE took the child and moved abroad and away from you all?

Your story is massively contradictory and you’re clearly just trying to portray your own selfish desire to just get rid of this woman in a semi-decent light when in fact, you’re being massively unreasonable.

She stopped him having a nuclear family because he got her pregnant? He should have used better protection

@BrownTableMat I did not say she was a bad mother, just that she was not the best. Overall has done a good job with how child is turning out. That’s not contradictory.

She can take child, we can be back up if mum doesn’t want to have her anymore (which she has said occasionally, probably when angry).

No contradictions.

She is literally part of the family. If you drew a family tree she'd be on it!

Its good of you to look after your step child. Does it matter if the mum doesn't vet you. Probably best if the 2 of you don't meet .

I'd stop worrying about the ex or looking down on her.

If you want a better relationship with the in law's you are going to have to make the effort. If you don't spend time you can't expect the relationship to improve. You don't get automatic preferential treatment for being married to your dh.

I imagine her husband who is such a wonderful father he wouldn’t be bothered if he lived in another country to his child, can’t be bothered to look after them himself.

Not nasty, honest.

Your husband sees his parents once a year or so and you can't understand why they're not as close to you as the baby mamma they see. You claim the Mom is physically and verbally abusive, Dad doesn't seem to be taking appropriate action and you wonder why the grandparents have stuck around and want to remove the limited support this woman has because of your feelings.

@SleepingStandingUp you have quite a nasty streak, shown when you felt the need to mock me - if you’re honest you can own up to that at least.

So you’re now drip-feeding that your SD’s mom is a horrible person? Even more important for your MIL to maintain a good relationship and foster a healthy relationship for her grand-daughter.

And how do you suppose you and your husband (incapable of preventing unwanted pregnancy) will take this woman’s child away from her and overseas?

You are even more ‘unreasonable’ than I first thought. I can imagine why she’s indifferent towards you.

You also haven’t said how old your child is, etc…

Do you want your MIL to help with your child? It’s difficult to build a relationship with someone you hardly see or spend time with.

We see in laws probably every 2 months and stay for the weekend (we always drive to them), they don’t come to us.

I get what you're saying OP.

You're the wife, you do all the family work. You look after this child that isn't yours as a thankless task, yet some flash in the pan pregnancy woman gets preferential treatment over you. Pitied because she's chosen to leave her own family in another country. That was her choice, she's not a poor little victim, she's chosen to live away from her own support network, and attached herself to yours. Yes there's a kid from this brief encounter. This isn't about the kid, which people seem to be making it about.

I think a lot of people are being disingenuous when they say this wouldn't piss them off as well.

Again, I’ve never said she is a horrible person or bad mother. Just stated facts. She’s not perfect and has said some pretty bad things to her child. That’s all. It happens.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn
Thank you, you’ve put my feelings better than I could myself. It helps.

I think that you believe that adding these examples of her being awful to her child is somehow supporting your feelings, but surely you can see that if this is true, then the child needs the support of their grandmother all the more? You seem to think highly of your family unit as opposed to hers, but hers is the one which probably requires more support, and thankfully the child is fortunate enough to have a caring grandmother.

Honestly, I agree with others who are saying your comments bely a lack of maturity. Your reaction is very much I might have been when I was 20 or so, when I felt I knew everything and had no idea that older people can have lived multiple lifetimes (relationships, children from those relationships). I assume you are also quite young, and perhaps your DH is older?

Anyway, as you've also asked: yes, this woman is a member of your larger family. She literally gave birth to one of the family. Your 'D'H can be sad that he got someone pregnant all he likes, but he did, and apparently he has accepted this. Luckily his mother also sees the mother of his child as a human being worthy of support.

Regarding the overseas options, not sure why everyone is flaming me when I feel I could not have been more accommodating.

If mum wants to keep child with her in UK, fine.
If mum wants to take child to home country, fine.
If mum doesn’t want to look after child (her choice and something she has said in the past), we can take her full time, in this country or otherwise.

We aren’t trying to move child anywhere against mums wishes ffs.

Well, what can you do about it? You have no control or influence over any of these people. They have a relationship with each other that they all value, and I can't imagine them changing that to please you. Why would they? For what it's worth, I think it is U of you to begrudge this woman the support of her child's GPs just because it makes you feel jealous, and dwelling on it is completely pointless given you can't change it. So the best thing you can do is concentrate on your own life and relationships with other people, including your in laws and forget about their relationship with her.

I agree she’s not a victim, but given OP is unable to separate her and MIL, I’ll take a wild guess that MIL is the one attaching herself to the woman whose flash in the pan pregnancy produced her much love grandchild.

The OP’s MIL also attended her big birthday party, buys her thoughtful Christmas gifts - suggests she actually likes her, not pities her. Otherwise she’d have just invited her round for a quiet dinner / pat her on the shoulder…

Superiority never endears anyone to you, so no point putting her down to boost the OP.

However OP, during this “casual encounter” DH managed to impregnate this woman which ensured she was part of the family for ever. They have a child together, however much of a surprise this was to your DH, and are now enmeshed for life. You may see your status as higher being his chosen partner, but as a mother to another of his children you and your husbands ex rank similarly with his parents. You do sound overly competitive with her and this is something you are going to have to learn to accept and deal with if you don’t want your life to be soured by it. She’s not a threat to you and you have “won” so congratulations.

Anyways, thanks all for your responses!

It was good just to write down my feelings and get it off my chest. I know these are not things to say in real life hence I haven’t said this before!

Appreciate the perspectives including the head wobbles and those with helpful advice.

Some unnecessary meanness but that’s the benefit of this forum - I do want to hear people’s actual thoughts rather than socially acceptable thoughts.

I would make the effort to see your mil with your child and build up a relationship, I’m sure she would be over the moon