Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

She's the mother of his son/their grandchild so she is absolutely part of their family no matter how much you wish she wasn't.

Yeah but she's not the same as OP.

She's a brief encounter resulting in pregnancy.

OP is his wife.

This faux "oh, that makes you no different" is frankly tedious.

She’s not just a random ex. She’s the mother of their grandchild. It’s not surprising they’re friendly with her.

You don’t have to be friends with her yourself, but stop worrying about their relationship with her. It doesn’t impact on you and isn’t anything for you to worry about.

You've said your husband is a 'good' dad. But then say he wouldn't mind if y
She took his child to live with her overseas. He also wouldn't mind leaving his child here while he moves overseas. So, he's not a good dad is he? And you say she's not the 'best' mother, well neither are you - you couldn't care less about this child emotionally regardless of the fact you look after her sometimes, you don't care whether your child has regular, quality contact with their sibling (a sibling who is just as much a part of your husbands family as your kid is) and who you clearly don't see as being on an equal footing as your child. Your MIL seems to have your nature, personality and agenda nailed!

You’re wrong.

Because this isn’t anything to do with the relationship to the dh, it has to do with the fact that both she and the OP are equally parents to the MIL’s grandchildren.

Just because she was a one night stand doesn’t mean she’s any less of a parent to the resulting grandchild, that relationship was formed as soon as he impregnated her.
On the family tree she is the same as the OP. Husband had child A whose mother was ONS, and child b whose mother was OP.

We'll agree to disagree.

A long term wife, providing childcare for all their grandchildren, building a future for him and her, and their family, should be valued for that and as his life partner, and mother of his child.

The ex is the mother of his child. Who doesn't even have the decency to acknowledge the woman looking after her child on a weekly basis.

You want her to acknowledge a woman who couldn't give a shit whether her child stays in the country or not? The OP doesn't care about this woman's child. Why would you think she would acknowledge her?!

Thank you, you’ve articulated my feelings better than I could have.

I like to get to know my child’s teachers and am grateful for their care of my child. So I imagined that if another adult had sole care of my child I would at least want to meet them, and would appreciate care they showed my child.

I’m impressed that so many of you wouldn’t feel any resentment in my shoes. You’re mostly all angels I guess.

As a MIL would you really see us both the same? Would you not give extra thought to the person sharing your sons life? Maybe that will help you become better MILs!

Again it sure where you are pulling this out of, it’s up to the mum which country she wants to live in, we are supportive either way. I care for this child very well when with me. I live in a different country to my own family members, it’s ok.

But she doesn't care. The actual mother. She's said so herself. She doesn't care where her own child goes and has no interest is knowing who cares for her. She's said OP and DH can take the child full time.

But yeah, OP's the arsehole. And MIL thinks this poor woman needs support, oblivious to this woman's boyfriend and whole other family that she's chosen to leave and muscle in on OPs.

Thank you, again you articulate much better than me.

So the mother and child spent the Christmas period at mums boyfriends parents family (her own ‘in laws’), child was laden with presents etc. DH picked up on Boxing Day.

My MiL was worrying if they were sitting alone doing nothing, but DH and I don’t share any personal details we know about the mum to MiL. Sorry if that’s confusing, just a bit of background why I mention the mum has a bf, as she has her own supportive ‘in laws’, so to speak.

So the child has 4 ‘parents’ and 2 sets of ‘grandparents’ who are caring for her. But I don’t think MIL knows. Sorry to drip feed.

It really does help getting it off my chest.

I am glad for the child that they have many adults in her life that care for her. I am glad that child and my child have a good relationship.

I guess I have frustrations about being in a complicated family set up, but I don’t have bad feelings towards my DH or his older child, so I guess I funnel it towards the child’s mum. Because I’ve never met her, it feels easier to be annoyed at her (she seems more abstract than a real person).

If I met her, I guess I’d probably like her too, and then I wouldn’t feel so annoyed at her. She’d be a real person and I would be more empathetic to her, I suspect. I find it harder to be cross at people once I actually talk to them.

Sorry I won’t be putting children’s ages up as too outing.

I am resentful that MIL probably views child’s mum as a poor single mother immigrant with no support. And is maybe compensating for this. As well as maybe she just likes her, (maybe better than she likes me, thanks to everyone for pointing this out).

Whereas she has a partner, his family, supportive community and is well paid, we are flexible to accommodate her work requirements. We also pay half her mortgage!

The mum also claims she is ‘afraid of driving’ so my DH ends up doing all the driving back and forth. This is something else that I am resentful of, as it takes him away from us and this is after a long work day for him, so I worry about him on the road. Can anyone tell me if this is reasonable?

She's entitled to like whomever she wants most...

You sound dreadfully bitter!

My MiL was worrying if they were sitting alone doing nothing, but DH and I don’t share any personal details we know about the mum to MiL. Sorry if that’s confusing, just a bit of background why I mention the mum has a bf, as she has her own supportive ‘in laws’, so to speak.

So the child has 4 ‘parents’ and 2 sets of ‘grandparents’ who are caring for her. But I don’t think MIL knows. Sorry to drip feed.

What are you even talking about? So what if she has a boyfriend and they visit the boyfriends parents regularly? They won’t ever be the child’s blood relatives.

Are you really suggesting that if your MIL knew she had a boyfriend and they see his parents that she would somehow want to be less involved in her grandchild’s life??

I can’t see your reasoning here at all.

I think your feelings are valid but misplaced. I think you are frustrated at the set up, that this child takes so much energy, resources and attention from your own child and it makes the family set up a bit awkward. It's ok to feel frustrated but it's not her fault or MIL's. Your DH had another child when you met him already, this is all on him, and, to some extent you for agreeing to this arrangement.

Personally, I went on a date with a man who disclosed he had 2 children and I didn't see him again. I was 29 at the time and knew I could not be a stepmother, at least not then. I just cannot imagine myself in that role.

You made a decision to stay with him knowing he has a child, your life will always be affected in one way or another by this other family. So you need to find a way to deal with your feelings really because it's not healthy.

Thank you, I appreciate that and agree with you.

It was a hard decision tbh.
Never before would I have considered dating someone with a child, I just fell hopelessly for DH.

Probably would recommend avoid dating single parents as much as possible!

I've not read all the posts but I think this would bother me too. It's not so much that mil helps out with child /supports mum. But she seems to treat them more favourably than you and your child which is unfair.

If your DH perceives himself to have somehow been caught unawares or impregnating the mother of his child, I am not surprised his mother is compensating by valuing her. This is not a good look for him. Adding my voice off 🙄 to the ‘casual encounter’ reference. I think you’ve adopted his mindset which disrespects her importance. Try to step outside the view of comparing the two grandchildren. You are in the nuclear family. She needs to be included to give equity.

But you don’t get to decide that.

I know, this is how I viewed the situation in my head.

I accept that IABU and will try and see her differently.

I only see in laws occasionally (eg over Christmas, which is why this is on my mind, I’m not usually stewing over this stuff). DH does not socialise with his family.
I said about you seeing her once a year as I misread the above to you only see her at Christmas but which is it? Your previous comment suggests a few time a year, now you're saying 6 weekends staying them a year - will make quite a difference to the relationship you have with them and they have with DC. How much closer does the other woman live to Mil?

You also said she hits her
Unless you think that's ok?