Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

Of course it will. Have you read the thread?

This is all about the poor lonely woman, MIL has to overcompensate for.

Just how the woman likes it.

MIL needs to know the truth, not be taken advantage of.

We're only getting the OP's perspective on that though, and with the best will, she's not exactly neutral.

Um okay sure! Let us know how that goes OP!

😂

Your husband doesn't talk to his parents much but you expect your child to have as close a relationship with them as their first grandchild who's mother does talk to them?

@Bananabreadandstrawberries maybe the mum of your h’s other child feels inadequate compared to you and that’s why she doesn’t want to meet up. She is not coping very well and that can feel shameful.

Mil doesn’t see you very much, can you go round to visit regularly and then she can get to know you and your child? Maybe she doesn’t feel you need her help as your coping very well and you can encourage the relationship to grow.

I would worry more about a grandchild who was getting slaps and being told mum wishes she hadn’t been born and would overcompensate. I would also make sure I was friends with mum who was struggling so I was trusted to be could look after child when mum feels she can’t cope as it is in the best interests for child. Your husband doesn’t go to see his family often so she might feel awkward asking to come over as she must be aware you feel funny about her involvement with her other grandchild’s mum but might get it wrong and think you don’t like her.

You're not just resentful, you're jealous and the only person this is bothering is you and it's not good for your health.
Be the bigger person. Life's too short.
Cut her some slack, she's the mother of their grandchild. They sound lovely caring people.

You can’t define your mother in laws family for her. This is the mother of her grandchild.

Are you sad that you haven’t developed the same kind of bond with mil that this woman has? She’s been around longer and they are friends, just like you have friends. The child brought them together but they are friends. Continue to be kind and caring to everyone, including the other women and your mil will grow closer to you. If you try and drive a wedge between them, things will not end well for you.

Thanks everyone! It’s been interesting reading your responses and helpful for me to hash out my feelings.

My takeaways:
I get that IABU!
Obv MiL be friends with who she wants to be, I know that’s not my business, I just was resentful about it (and probably wrote my first post while feeling upset about it).
I’ll carry on with my own life, which apart from this is really very good.
I’ll make more effort to get to know MIL (I’ve only seen her with the whole family and both kids before so that makes it harder to get chummy, as I am usually running after my own young child.)
I’ll forget about this woman and not try to meet her.
You guys can add more!

Rebuttals:
Several of you have called me awful - my thoughts about the mother probably are a bit unkind, but my actions towards her child are not. I look out for them, take them out for lunch, teach what I can, buy thoughtful gifts and clothes, so probably going above the bare-minimum.

I was a bit extreme to say I wish in laws had nothing to do with this woman. What I mean is I wish they would be polite when picking up/dropping of child (like my DH) but I wish they didn’t hang out with her beyond that.

I learnt that I probably did have preconceived biases that are unreasonable.
Marriage is important to me and the point where you ‘welcome someone to the family’.
So I did expect to treat DH parents as my own, his child as my own, etc.
I would imagine I would treat a future DIL as my own child, but not before that (I think).

I was surprised to see that so many of you don’t see a DIL as a special role in an of itself (worthless to you basically).

Hmm I thought at first that you were being unreasonable and maybe you are to a certain degree. I’m sure it comes from a place of wishing they were like that with you also? I would maybe focus purely on your own relationship with them and improve that if you can. I can see why it would be hurtful

I think the fact you said she is 'foreign' and called your husbands first born 'the child' says it all, you sound a bit jealous of this child and imply that this foreign woman is not part of your family but she is as she is the mother of your husbands first born child

I don’t understand your comment “I let them get on with it”. It’s absolutely none of your business?

I think you are maybe a little hurt you feel she has a better relationship with your MIL than you do. But I’m assuming there relationship has developed over a longer period of time.

@Bananabreadandstrawberries

You sound jealous and unhinged.
Your MIL sounds like a wonderful caring person who wants a relationship with her grandchild and is being kind and supportive to the child's mother.

As for the child's mother not wanting to meet up with you, she's allowed to say no. Maybe she's reluctant because she weary of you.

Regardless of what you think, she is a part of your DH's family. Casual relationship or not. They created a life and will be forever connected.

@MayThe4th not sure why the woman has done nothing wrong but the DH has. Presumably they’re both responsible for ‘shagging around’ and not using ‘appropriate’ contraception, not just him. And according to the OP, the mother has said she wishes her child had never been born, so she really doesn’t sound perfect (not that any of us are)… The fact is, both parents seem to be stepping up, and that’s good, isn’t it?

OP, I think it’s positive you’re trying to unpick your resentment. It doesn’t mean I think it’s justified — but none of us can switch our feelings off, justified or not. The thing is, your MIL clearly wants to have a relationship with her first GC. The only way she can do that is by supporting the GC’s mother — and perhaps she also wants to be supportive and if so, that’s a good thing, even if it’s difficult for you. The fact your MIL doesn’t have the same relationship with your child is down, I suspect, to the relationship she and your DH have. I know it’s hard but I really do think you have to separate the two. There are two GC, and two mothers, but you’re all four of you different people, in different situations and it doesn’t seem (to me) that your MIL is doing this to somehow invalidate you or your DC. (That doesn’t mean you can’t feel that way — but I think for your own sake, if you can try to separate it in your mind, you’ll be less resentful…) Good luck.

I don't think this is about your MiL and your step child. I think you're upset about your and your child's own relationship with your MiL. It reads as though she isn't as close with you and your child as she is with them and you're finding that upsetting. Can you do something about that? Can you get to where you're happier about how she treats you? Love shouldn't be a zero sum game. There should be plenty to go around. But she may not realise you want more.

So your MIL is keeping a decent relationship with the mother of her grandchildren? I see no issue with this.

she doesn’t want to meet you… she clearly isn’t worried about you or your care for her child and trusts DH judgement on his wife.

I don’t see the issue…. (and that’s said as a step parent myself).

The paternal grandmother always has it tough when the parents split. It sounds as though your MIL is doing her best to keep a good relationship with this woman, and her grandchild. Too many paternal grandparents just walk away. My son’s certainly did, even despite me trying to forge a relationship.

My MIL now has a relationship with DH’s ex-wife, even though they’re not besties, but it means she can spend time with DH’s kids (she lives closer to them than we do so we only see them fortnightly).

Thing is, people don't like everybody and sadly, MIL just might not like you as much the other woman. Having a child with her son is no guarantee that she feels warmly towards you. There is also the possibility that she feels her son behaved poorly towards this woman and is trying to compensate. It is what is, all you can do is believe like an adult and accept that instead of torturing yourself about the whys and wherefores.

Ridiculous. Why on earth are Ireland and Australia (literally on the other side of the world) ‘feasible’ but other countries are not? You sound very ignorant and small-minded (stopping just short of calling out your clear prejudice and likely racist attitudes towards any country that is not Western/white/English-speaking). Feasible might understandably mean proximity to UK but Australia couldn’t be further away so ‘feasible’ obviously means something quite different to you.

I am in a similar position as I am the grandmother of a child born as a result of a very brief and toxic relationship. The child's mother was never “part of our family” by the definition made by the OP. BUT she remains the mother of my grandchild and as such is the person with whom I need a relationship if I am to be part of my grandchild's life. She too, is not from U.K. and all her family are abroad. It is quite normal to try to help out in what ever way is needed.
It is in my opinion, not normal, reasonable or appropriate for other family members (no matter how legitimate) to resent and question my actions. IMO the OP is being VU.

You're insecure. Whatever PIL do, does not affect your life, except in your head. You're jealous. You have no power or control. Except over your own child and your husband - who did not attend events out of consideration for you. You have every right to a parental conversation with the two biological parents, if you're helping raise this child ... but THE fact (only) you know she has a boyfriend? You're sounding like a bunny boiler? I'd be nervous about meeting you. Focus on your family unit, not his past or PIL intense wish to stay connected to a biological grandchild.

When you think about it, many relationships (romantic and non) start with someone introducing one person to another, but they continue without needing that person. If his EX and his in-laws have an independent relationship from him, then there isn't really anything odd about it.

I would love to be part of a family which keeps in contact with people and welcomes them in even if they dont have to. It speaks well to their character. Stop comparing yourself to her in terms of how they treat you, be nice to her and be grateful that you have a partner where she does not. And that you have joined a family of nice people.

Well, all I can say is: I have to answer as if it were happening to me. = The Way I see it is: Someone is trying to P*** You Off. The correct term is ' TRIANGULATION' and possibly also GASLIGHTING. ( TO use a Third person in. Order to make it look like the other person is ' The Outsider'). If it were ME I should acknowledge their tactics and let it go over my head so it don't appear to affect me. The person orchestrating this has their own petty issues ( possibly can't cut apron strings)

1. Your tone is unsavoury and telling …‘this woman’, ‘casual encounter’ etc. she is the mother of your step child.

2. the child does not come without a mother, she is presumably the primary carer, so it’s unreasonable and absolutely not your place to say that you expect only involvement with the child and have nothing to do with the mother.

3. your in laws sound like very lovely, very human people who respectfully and tactfully stay in the life of their grandchild by involving their mother. What fabulous role models they are. It’s not your place to change that.

4. it is not your place to change the relationship between grown, consenting adults, where there is clearly no danger or harm.

what can you actually do, you asked. Focus on your own relationships and on being respectful of the your step child and the child’s mother , and their dynamic with their connections.