Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

Thanks, yes that is a problem too. I only see in laws occasionally (eg over Christmas, which is why this is on my mind, I’m not usually stewing over this stuff). DH does not socialise with his family.

Thanks to people who actually gave helpful suggestions.

@JanewaysBun how did you know!

Have you thought that mil having a good relationship with her eldest grandchild is best for the child if her homelike with her mother isn't ideal

Have you tired to build a relationship with mil? Invited her over? Invited her different places

Oh stop trying to paint this woman in a negative light. It's NOT about her at all!!!!! Maybe she's a horrible mother or maybe your lying. Either way it actually makes no difference to this situation.

This is about your jealousy and your relationship with your MIL. How you can complain that your Mil doesn't have a good realtionship with your own child is beyond me as you say your husband barely speaks to his parents and doesn't want to socialise with them! It's clear why your MIL is closer to her other grandchild.

Your MIL has to put a lot of effort into her relationship with the child’s mother or she would never see her first grandchild.

The reason we see our in-laws is generally because our partners/spouses want to see their parents.

This woman has no such link to your MIL. In order to establish a relationship with her granddaughter, your MIL needed to foster a relationship with the child’s mother.

She has done so successfully. In addition, unlike a divorce where people take sides, MIL has no reason not to like the child’s mother. They forged a friendship and MIL is looking out for the well-being of her granddaughter.

With your child, there isn’t the sane need. You and her son are together, your child will automatically be part of her life and she doesn’t need to go above and beyond to try make a connection to you. Her son is a resident parent so the connection is pretty secure.

I understand it can feel hurtful to you now, but surely you can understand why it happened.

Blaming the poor woman for your husband’s inability to keep it in his pants in favour of a future nuclear family is ridiculous. She didn’t ruin that for him, he did. Don’t let your understandable hurt become anger at a woman who’s done nothing to deserve it.

Words cannot express how unreasonable you are being. She is the mother of their grandchild.

You can't take a child away from their mother so you can be with your family as an adult.
But you could work on building your relationship with your MIL, maybe invite her round while you have all the dc in your home and do an activity together.
Your DH obviously isn't much help in building these relationships but you can work on it by yourself particularly if your own family isn't near to you.

OP the more you try and paint this woman as some kind of terrible parent who trapped your husband into parenthood and ruining his chance of the nuclear family he always wanted, the worse you sound. You are clearly seething with jealousy over this woman and wish she didn’t exist but she does.

Your husband having sex with a casual encounter and getting her pregnant is what stopped him having the nuclear family he wanted. Why on earth would you reserve your annoyance for her?!

Not sure why I would lie on an anonymous board trying to get advice about a difficult emotion?

Anyways thank you for your helpful points.

“Anger/Jealousy is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

― Mark Twain

This situation shows ur MIL in a favourable light OP. The mother of your husband's first child is clearly part of the family to MIL.

Quite a natural feeling, as I love my DH. Also usually why people are annoyed at the OW rather than their DH.

I don’t think the problem is that you resent your mil being friends with the ex, it’s that you don’t feel mil is as friendly to you and as close to your child.
Maybe your mil has looked after her other grandchild because she feels that the mum being a single parent needs more support or just because she seems more vulnerable and in need of the help.
Have you asked mil if she could have your child a few hours to give you a break? Maybe she doesn’t suggest it as doesn’t want to be pushy.

@Thesearmsofmine you have some kind of a vendetta against me, not sure why you feel the need to be so nasty.

Anyways, deep down, yes I do secretly wish our family set up was nuclear (most people do) which would mean she wouldn’t exist, which of course I know isn’t the case. No need to be so vicious.

This is presumably your DH's version of events? How much of what you know of his previous partner comes from DH and how much do you know directly about any of his ex's words and deeds?

How the child was conceived is irrelevant - the child is your MiL's DGC and the woman is her mother. They are part of MiL's family. MiL having a relationship with your DSC's mother does not prevent you from having a relationship as well.

I would be wary of any man who considered the mother of his child to be nothing to do with his family - of course she will be. She will also have to have some contact with your family whilst the child is young. He doesn't have to like her but he can't pretend she isn't part of the family when he shares a young child with her.

Different treatment of the DGC is hard to assess - you say your DH has little relationship with his family and that could be why your DC has less relationship with their DGM. DH has a role in this too - if you want to foster a relationship between your child and their DGM then he needs to play his part as well.

@LenaLamont thank you, you’ve put it very wisely.

I will be checking out soon guys but thanks to all the commenters, kindness and flaming!

I will say categorically you are being very unreasonable. But I can see to a small degree why you feel this way. To me, your MIL making much less effort with your child would really upset me. But you have said your husband makes zero effort, so why are you surprised?
You need to give your head a wobble over your husband’s ex. She is in under no obligation to meet you. If she is having a hard time parenting, and single parenting is incredibly hard, then your MIL spending time with her is going to help the relationship. You have to stop comparing. Having two parents at home is always easier than being a single parent. I think you should focus on the good things you do have in your life. I also think you should be very carful about throwing around comments about custody, and taking children to another country. That to be honest just makes you sound quite cruel.

Hardly a vendetta,I’ve been checking back to see if you’ve actually answered any questions put to you regarding the ages of the dc, or if you’ve actually asked your MIL to look after your child. All relevant to your post.

You are the one making frankly gobsmacking and archaic comments about how you wish this woman didn’t exist and and blaming her for your DH not having a nuclear family. Of course people are going to respond to that on a forum for commenting.

Oh op. You’re doing everything possible to drip feed and try to make the answers go your way.

look. Your mil is doing the right thing, this woman should be included, welcomed, involved, due to the fact she’s the mother of the grandchild and she was never part of the family, good for her making the effort. She should be applauded

you are not in competition with her, your jealousy and insecurity is shameful for you.

Not meaning to drip feed.

Part of it is just unpacking my own emotions, as I can’t talk about this elsewhere.

Relevance of thinking about talking child overseas is that her mother has said these things (at various points).

DH also said he felt at the time his life was ruined (unwanted pregnancy) but obv he has done the responsible thing and loves his child. My heart bleeds. If he didn’t want to end up with a child then he should have kept his dick in his pants or used contraception.

So I guess another feeling is annoyance that this stopped DH from having the nuclear family he wanted. again nope. Shagging around without using appropriate contraception stopped him having the nuclear family he wanted.

This woman has done nothing wrong.

Meanwhile your dh is expecting some kind of medal for the fact he loves the child he was responsible for creating, doesn’t give enough of a shit about his parents to have a relationship with them or promote a relationship with their grandchild, and you’re bitter at the ex?

And comparing your feelings towards her with feelings towards an OW is disgraceful.

clearly throwing back it was a casual encounter on her part like she deserves to be ostracised by the family yet I assume you don’t think so low of your husband?

This

You choose a man who presumably is not very careful about using condoms with "casual encounter" sexual partners ...... This is part of the deal when you choose a man like that.

His mother probably helps her with their child because, bf or not, she is a single mother and lives away from her family.

She probably couldn't even move back to her family because your h could stop her with the Hague protocol.

You're not a single mother.

What's so difficult to see about why she'd give her help.

We have this situation in our family. Mum and I have known my ex SIL 30+ years, she's the mother of her grandchildren / my nieces. My brother becomes very sullen and resentful whenever SIL is mentioned, so we just don't now. I don't know if any of this is coming from his partner, I don't ask. I just carry on my friendship with her.

Thing is, this woman WAS part of the family before you, whether you think she was or not. They had a pre existing relationship with her, which is none of your business.

She's the mother of their first grandchild, who has equal status with your own child, whether you like it or not.

You're jealous and insecure and see her and her child as rivals for resources, status and love.

Your jealousy may mean they don't quite like you as well as they like her. They're allowed their own friends and relationships.

And he's with you, isn't he, not her. Their child will not stop being their child. Get used to that and develop a civilised adult approach to this reality.

DH would not stop her from moving back to her country with their child (she has wanted to do this in the past)