Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

@Bananabreadandstrawberries Maybe if you stop thinking of her as a ‘casual encounter’ and’this woman’, you may find it easier.

As the mother of your husband child and your MIL’s grandchild, she is of significance to your MIL, who seems a kind and thoughtful person.

DH also said he felt at the time his life was ruined (unwanted pregnancy) but obv he has done the responsible thing and loves his child

He hasnt done the responsible thing by the traditions of my country. He's be marketed to her, if she'd wanted to, if he's done the responsible thing according to tradition here.

Life ruined lol.

Typical entitled man - "I should get to fuck with no consequences, even though (bar some bonding) the only reason fucking exists is for procreation and no contraception is 100% reliable. Did he even use a condom?

He "ruined" his own life. He hs control over if, when and who he shoots his baby batter up.

And nice way to talk about a child who had no choice over whether they were conceived ....while their father did.

I haven't read all the responses here and I'm sure there's the usual culprit type responses on here telling the OP she should be absolutely fine with this and her DH is awful etc etc blah blah but I can understand why she feels this way.
It would obviously feel awkward and difficult for OP. But I guess there is that relationship where she is the mother of their grandchild and it's a relationship that shouldn't be shunted. Difficult one I'm afraid I can't really help but I think the main thing is you and your DH are on the same page with this..

So your husband wouldn't stop her from moving overseas with his child even though you said she's a bad mother who slaps her child, tells them that she wishes they were never born etc? and your DH would have no issues with this? Erm okay then.

Seriously?

Tbh he comes across as horrible (from what you've relayed) and you do too.

He sees her as an inconvenience/mess/lower form of woman ...and you do too. You think you're superior because he got into a relationship with you and got married.

No wonder she didn't want to meet you

It comes across very strongly how you feel about her and how you think you are higher in the hierarchy/superior. I don't think you could disguise that.

Who'd want to go around with their head down, submissive, like "I'm just the casual fuck he knocked up accidentally, I'm a slut, but you're his wife! You're totally different". That honestly seems to be how you think she should act.

You wanted to meet her because you are looking after her child ... Well neither she nor the child asked for you to, neither of them necessarily wanted you in the picture - with half siblings and blended families etc. It's a situation created by your h. As someone said, you're doing him a favour, she has no choice, she can't stop you from seeing it looking after her child.

Hence why we would offer to take the child full time (in the uK or my country). Anyways this is not really the main point.

I haven’t read every response but I do see your point OP. I think your MIL should love and support whoever her son loves and supports more, not who she personally likes. It’s normal to be jealous in this situation but you need to find a way to resolve your jealousy.

maybe try and bond with your MIL more? I suspect she might be playing the long game to ensure she doesn’t lose contact with her grandchild. Less risk of that happening with your child as she has a strong bond with your husband

My Ex's mum still comes round my house see her grandchild and we chat etc, ex's new girlfriend doesn't like this and does everything she can to try and stop it. I find it a bit mad. I know I'm not 'family' but my son is so I'm not going to stop talking to her for the sake of the new girlfriend who thinks she's better than everyone.

I think you just need to accept that she will be there because your husband had a kid with her. Mil shouldn't be stuck in the middle of it all, you both gave her grandkids who she will want to see.

I think your MIL should love and support whoever her son loves and supports more, not who she personally likes

Smh.

You're nearly as bad as op.

She clearly supports the single mother.

And I'm not sure why she'd like op more, from how she comes across on this thread.

Thanks for your perspective.

Most of the posters would have said that you are family with your ExMIL.

You shouldn't have gotten together with a man who has a child from his casual sexual encounters .... You're not cut out for it.

I wouldn’t have imagined myself in this situation either (who does!) but am trying to do my best.

@Bananabreadandstrawberries "This woman is also not the best mum to her child. She has slapped her and screams regularly at her (DH gets called to adjudicate) so another feeling is annoyance that MIL doesn’t see this side of her."

Maybe mil does see this side of her so knows that her child needs more support from her grandma?

It is not the MILs role to support the single mother, it is the child’s fathers role. MIL should get her son to do the right thing. Not get in the middle

I just said she’s not the best mum, due to these outbursts, (very different saying she is a horrible mum), I realise she is doing a good job overall.

What a shocking answer. This is mils grand kid and that’s the mother, of course rhe mil is doing the right thing.

I mean MIL should support both GC equally, not favour the one from the single mother.

She is the mother of one of their grandchildren so she is in fact family in some respect. Aside from being the mother of one of their grandchildren perhaps they like her as a person. Perhaps they like her more than they like you. She also has none of her own family in the country and you resent her having some support, why?
Perhaps they don't feel you need or should need the same level of support as you have your husband who is parenting his child full time. Irrespective of her having a partner - by your reckoning - he would not be the child's 'family' so it is irrelevent.

I'm not sure why she doesn't want to meet you - I would want to meet someone who would be around my child but she is not obliged to and maybe she feels your husband is a good enough father to make decisions about his daughter.

She wants to see her grandchild and is making an effort.

It’s fine for MIL to have a relationship and support both her GC, but I think favouring one over the other is bound to cause jealousy.

Thanks all!

I’m appreciating all the different perspectives.

Why on earth are you looking after the child?

She’s a single parent who has no support. The op is clearly jealous and insecure. This isn’t about the mil or the kids, it’s about the op wants this woman gone from her world as she’s worried her husband still fancies her and knows they once had sex.

They're grown ups. Why do you think you get to decide who they should be friends with?

You sound ridiculously insecure. "Oohh she was a random fucl and I'm the wifffeeee. Why don't they live me the mostest with the bestest presents????"