Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

The relevance is that I feel she should not harbour any feelings for my DH

Nothing you have said implies she does

or jealousy towards me

She seems indifferent to you, not jealous

(and so should have been easier that if she were an ex wife).

Why?

In addition that DH does not consider her to ever have been part of his family.

That's fine but your Mil does. And as the mother of her grandchild its understandable why she feels like that

So I guess another feeling is annoyance that this stopped DH from having the nuclear family he wanted.

Well take that up with your DH who should have realised having sex with a woman could lead to a baby

The issue here isnt this lady but your MIL favouring one child and you not getting any support because your own parents are so far away (i know you both have partners but that's nothing lile having a mum's support). Is your child very young and hers is old enough to be independent with MIL? I think DH should bring that up with her as it's not fair for siblings to grow up with one favoured from the DGP.

Probably that was just an internal wish, not something I am trying to make happen in real life.

I also have no family in the UK, and am wanting to move our family back to my country.

Would you and the DC moving home be feasible? (I.e. is it Ireland or Australia?)

I can see why this would be hurtful, even though I think PIL are not doing anything wrong.

How much childcare are you providing for your step-child? Are you actually happy with that or does DH expect you to do it?

Do you have step-child when it’s the mum’s time to have him?

Maybe MIL just likes her better than she likes you? FIL has told me in no uncertain terms that he prefers my DH’s ex 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like your dh is still actively involved with the child

I don’t think you’ve answered how much you have your SD, OP. If it’s every other weekend then it’s pretty obvious why MIL is offering her mum childcare instead of you.

This doesn’t excuse her not showing an interest in your child, but maybe there’s a big age gap and yours is harder?

Of course she's part of the family, she's the mother of their Grandchild! If they had no kids then I'd be agreeing with you but they are family for life now.

That’s horrible.

She can be friends and friendly with whoever she wants. You are not the friendship police. It s her grandchild as well.

This in spades, your MIL is protecting her family by supporting and maintaining a relationship with this woman to keep her family together. You could ask her to babysit your child if you feel she's closer to SC as may not have the same one on one time. Ask MIL to do something with you she likes, I took mine to the opera, she loved it. Don't focus on the relationship between the ex and your MIL but on your relationship with MIL.

You sound very controlling. It is not your business in the slightest who your MIL is friends with. You're just jealous.

@Rosiiee I wouldn’t even know what she’s like as she doesn’t want to meet me! I do feel like MIL must like her better than me, but that is speculative.

Yes DH is a very good father to both children. I look after stepchild on my own about half the time she is with us (which I am happy to do) and we get one well (another reason why I think it is odd her mother didn’t want to “vet” me)!

@Grilly it just is what it is I guess. Nothing you can do about people’s opinion of you? He also favours my stepdaughter and hasn’t seen my boys in a year whereas he’s always flying in to visit DH’s previous family aka ex and stepchild. It sucks but what can I do.

Sorry OP I don’t mean to be so negative but sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

Thank you, this is helpful

This is not helpful, and rather mean

However casual the relationship was between this woman and your DH - she IS the mother of his child and there is absolutely no reason why the Child's Grandmother shouldn't still want to know both her Grandchild and the mother of that child.

I can see why you are feeling a little that your nose is out of joint, but I think it would help you if you could change your mindset about this woman. She IS a family member, by default of being the Grandchild's mother. I'm sorry if you feel that you are not as close to your MIL as she is, but people get on differently.

If you feel you haven't got the best relationship with your MIL, is there anything you think you can do to make that relationship better? Being jealous isn't going to help the relationship better with your MIL at all. I'm pleased for your step-child that they have family looking out for them. Could you manage to be pleased similarly?

Sorry OP but YABU. You knew he had baggage when you got involved. I couldn't deal with this stuff so that's why I'd rather be single then get into a relationship with a man who has a child. And ultimately you are in a relationship with him, not his mother.

But how could you move your family out of the UK, given that your DH has another child here in the UK?

Well technically I have my child 100% of the time, and her child some of the time.

She has her child some of the time, and child free some of the time!

She also doesn't have to meet you either.

The plot thickens.

I think you should focus on YOUR relationship with your MIL. Have you actually taken the time to get to know her? Made an effort to build a good relationship with her? It doesn't seem like you have to be honest.

You also say your DH barely speaks to his parents, so how can you expect them to have a good relationship with your child?

Well, I’m not a prisoner to the Uk! DH prefers to live in my country too. We’d be happy to take step child with us.

The mother has said a few times to her own child ‘I hate you / I wish you hadn’t been born’ so …