Resentful of MIL being friendly with DH’s Ex

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Hi ladies, please tell me if IABU and what I should do, to make the best of this situation.

BG:
DH has an older child with a woman he was not in a relationship with (relevant as I feel this means she never was part of his family or their DIL). This woman is foreign, so has no family in the UK.

My in laws say ‘she hasn’t got her own mother here’ so seem to want to compensate by being extra helpful, helping with childcare, bringing things over, and also MIL went to this woman’s 40th birthday and housewarming (both of which DH did not). They exchange Christmas presents (and I think MIL got this woman a more thoughtful present than myself).

TBH, I would want myself and in laws to help with the child, but to have nothing to do with the mother. I am resentful that she is being treated as part of the family when I do not think she is.

I offered to meet this woman but she has not wanted to meet me (even though I help look after her child), which adds to my annoyance.

She has a bf (not sure if in laws are aware or it that makes a difference).

DH and I have a younger child of our own.

Please send advice.
IABU - I need to give my head a wobble and accept it / be friendly with her.
IANBU - how do I navigate this!

The only thing that gives me pause in all of this is that MIL doesn’t have much of a relationship with your child, nor looks after them. That isn’t fair at all (everything else is) why is that? I would have DH challenge that behaviour.

Also I’ve been in this exact situation. It’s not a nice feeling and honestly I wouldn’t ever do it again. But ultimately I had to accept the status quo and get over it. I did in the end, but the ex in-laws having a proper relationship with my children helped that along.

Ok I’m going to throw you a bone here because people are now name calling - they are also generally choosing to ignore your points on:

-MIL favours first grandchild over your child
-MIL favours first grandchild’s mother over you

So in response to those concerns, which I think are at the heart of your hurt feelings, I say this:

It sucks! It hurts. It is very natural, especially when your first is so young, to want equal resources and affection from your partner’s family. It’s deflating to realise and accept otherwise. It’s also disappointing that the stepchild’s mother is unwilling to extend the same openness and welcoming attitude she has received, to you.

As much as it hurts, sometimes people do not want to welcome us or treat us equally. Nothing can make it feel ‘right’ at that initial sting - but time will heal this hurt for you and you can learn to fill that missing piece with other people/support :-)

Just cut mil off? Cold shoulder her and forget it. I wouldn't like the set up either.

Presumably because she's hanging on to the relationship she has with this grandchild as hard as she can? OP, you can't dictate who your MIL likes or helps or what she does. She's her own separate person and she has been dealing with a very complex and probably very painful situation for some time. She probably realised early on that her relationship with this child is delicate and vulnerable and has proceeded accordingly and does not wish her grandchild to feel pushed out now in the way you would like.

I get how you feel.

There is not much you can do about your in-laws, but I do think it's weird and unreasonable for this woman, who is not even an ex, to refuse to meet you?

I think that's really odd for someone who was not in a relationship with your DH, she should have no issue meeting you at all.

Thanks this is helping me express feelings that I can’t in real person.

This woman is also not the best mum to her child. She has slapped her and screams regularly at her (DH gets called to adjudicate) so another feeling is annoyance that MIL doesn’t see this side of her.

Don’t mind being told cold hard truths as that’s what I’m here for.

I think it’s really difficult to admit to feeling jealous/ insecure & I don’t think you deserve to get flamed for it. I hope you manage to work your feelings out.

I get it OP, but you won’t get any support here because you’re a stepmother.

It sounds like your husband isn’t particularly close to his mother either? How much do you have your stepdaughter? I’d focus on your own friends, family and support network (including spending holidays abroad with your own family) rather than wasting time on MIL.

Is the child a tween/teenager?

I think just step back. Are you feeling that you don't have as close a relationship with MIL as you would like?

I know it's hard, but you need to step back and let everyone get on with it. Concentrate on husband and your own lovely child. As long as you have a good relationship with step daughter then that's all that matters.

There are 2 grandchildren. Your child has its mum and dad living with it so the mother in law probably prioritises the other grandchild and its mother.
If you have a husband and your own family (not sure if you do or not) then mother in law probably thinks you don't need as much support.

Marriage matters legally for financial and other reasons between you and your husband but it doesn't sound like it matters to your mother in law. I would consider the mother of my grandchild family regardless of marriage or casual fling so both of you on an equal footing but her needing more support as she is not married to the father of her child.

What do you mean, advice on what you should do? It's not your business who your MIL is friendly with or what relationship she has with her grandchild's mother.

Someone said I was judgey about her being a causal encounter. The relevance is that I feel she should not harbour any feelings for my DH or jealousy towards me (and so should have been easier that if she were an ex wife).

In addition that DH does not consider her to ever have been part of his family.

DH also said he felt at the time his life was ruined (unwanted pregnancy) but obv he has done the responsible thing and loves his child.
So I guess another feeling is annoyance that this stopped DH from having the nuclear family he wanted.

So, reading your more recent posts, there's an imbalance in the relationship and the way in which the grandchildren are treated.
It took me quite a while (over 10 years) to get to a point with my MiL where we have a friendship and can go shopping together etc.
Could you suggest coffee or something or for your MiL and child to do and gently try to encourage the relationship and for her to spend some more time with your side of the family as well as her other grandchild?

The op is not getting support because she wants her feelings to dictate relationships between other individuals!

The mother of the child can decide who to meet or not meet. She and the MIL decide their relationship. Nobody else, if a partner started this crack they would be called emotionally abusive and controlling!

Typically first grandchildren can have close relationships as they have years before others arrive. Given your attitude I imagine that is influencing your MIL. People are rarely good at disguising their feelings.

Regarding parenting that is up to your dh to sort. You need to recognise that your feelings and work on your family relationships.

Wow, maybe he should have used a condom or abstained from sex outside of marriage to avoid having his nuclear family dream thwarted. He made his own choices yet you are only resentful towards her?

That’s your DHs own fault though. She didn’t get pregnant by herself.

Thank you again for your kindness. Hence why I can only say this on an anonymous forum.

We have to be perfectly nice in real life don’t we.

It seems as though your DH may have been scapegoating this woman and you have absorbed some of his beliefs.

If your DH didn't want a child the responsibility was on him to ensure that didn't happen blaming someone he presumably willingly had sex with is a cheap cop out.

He made this woman part of his family by having a child with her, he can refuse to acknowledge this but it doesn't change the facts.

Life is often messy but your in laws aren't responsible for this mess your DH is.

Focus on your own relationship with your MIL, she can obviously be a good support.

MIL is maintaining a relationship for her Grandchild and that is sensible. First Grandchildren are often closer as they usually get more one on one time early on, before there are many (to look after)

It’s a shame the mother won’t meet you as you spend time with her child. She obviously hasn’t learned from your MIL good example in this respect. Is it a case that she has picked up on your negative attitude towards her? I think that is a question you have to ask yourself.

You want them to 'have nothing to do with the mother'? It sounds like she's done nothing wrong and is merely just living her life and being friendly to her child's family.
You're being incredibly immature and selfish.

Well she is mom to thier grandchild

She is part of the family, because she's your MIL's grandchild's mother. Just because her son was careless enough to get a woman pregnant from a 'casual encounter' in no way invalidates her or her child's status as family. It sounds like your MIL recognises how important it is for her grandchild to feel loved and part of the family despite the fact their father has another partner and child, so is doing everything she can to keep relationships close so the child doesn't suffer or miss out. Kudos to your MIL.

My own father's half-brother was deprived of all contact with his father and that side of his family, and has regretted it his whole life. I know he would have loved nothing more than to be welcomed into the family and to have been loved by everyone because NONE of the situation he found himself in was his fault. He was an innocent child and was very much shortchanged by his father and his father's family. You have an amazing opportunity here to welcome the child and the child's mother into your family and be closer to everyone, if you can bear to do it.

Your MIL is being kind to her grandchild's mother who has no other family around.

What on earth is wrong with that?

@Grilly
Ha, I can take the flaming, though it was not necessary to call me names in my opinion.

Thanks for the practical advice, that’s what I was looking for. As I have never mentioned this to anyone in real life.

You’ve hit nail on head - DH doesn’t talk much to his own parents.