Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

Your husband is being unreasonable and downright incompetent if you ask me, he is the selfish one if he goes away for work weeks at a time then he should understand the trip to Italy your not going to be enjoying yourself as much as he would think you are you have to do what you have been told to by your higher ups so no lounging around and waking up early is still a must you don't get to pick and chose events and outings its all scheduled. I think you should show him this as the weekend wedding is basically like a nice breather before watching 30+ kids for a week some time away from your own is well deserved. Also why is he so annoyed about it go and don't listen to him you've basically done all his chores except warming the food up so he needs to grow up and be a dad to those kids maybe you should get your own kids to express how they feel and make a decision based off of them but 10 and 16 is old enough to look after themselves basically the 16 year doesn't even technically need supervision especially if you taught her about safety which im sure you have. maybe you could try come home for dinner on the Sunday but honestly I would be getting back as late as I could if I was you what an inconsiderate man.

Seems to me you have been around for most of this girls important steps. She is starting a another adventure and wants you there to share. Seems a bit of jealousy is rearing it's nasty head. Just go no more discussions.

I think it’s wonderful that you have kept in touch OP. Go to the wedding, enjoy it & let your H remember what it is to be a parent
It sounds like he’s being a tad entitled.
Definetley a cue for you to stop enabling him and do fun independent things too . You deserve it x x

I just want to add i went to a school in South east London and some of our teachers would say we should go out for drinks when your 18 because we had close relationships, they would also encourage us to come back and see them im not sure if the people saying its inappropriate are just unlikeable teachers or are just under very strict rules kind of insane they are going at you for going for lunches or to her graduation your husband is probably a tad on the controlling side and is not comfortable with you having friendships like for God sakes its her wedding you are going to if it was inappropriate im sure you would of groomed her into not getting married just absurd if you ask me

Even if they were toddlers you still wouldn’t be selfish to go
wtf is wrong with your dh??? He is selfish himself and also a massive twat
you should definitely go

Of course you should go. I used to mentor BSc and MSc students at Manchester Uni and I understand how involving and rewarding such connections can be. I still maintain contact with a couple of students, both male and female. It's an honour to be invited.

I agree with everyone else that your DH is a twat and you should go to the wedding. How embarrassing that looking after his own children is something of a big deal!! How do all us mothers manage I wonder?

And I don't think it's weird to be in touch with an ex pupil. I was still in touch with my year 6 teacher (then called top year primary as I am mid 40s!) until he died a few years ago. An amazing man that did so much for us kids and we all fondly remember him.

@Ribyloo

My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy.

I'm sure you know your husband is the one being selfish here, OP. What a shame he's trying to put a spoke in your wheels and control what you do for his own satisfaction. I wonder how selfless he is in other parts of your relationship if this is the way he's reacted in the past, and behaving now.

Your children are not toddlers (although even if they were he should still step up, even with help from other family members) and will learn to cope if he behaves like a responsible, caring parent.

Go, enjoy your ex-pupil's wedding and meet up with other friends/colleagues there. Learn to raise your own boundaries a bit and not operate in the narrow confines he's trying to impose on you.

BTW don't be surprised if, when you have gone, he tries to spoil your time away by lots of unnecessary phone call - put your phone on silent until YOU are ready to check in. 🌹

Thank you @Ribyloo . I am now 56 and have often thought about the ONE teacher that made my life , when moving from belfast to Canada, so fantastic. She even had me and a couple of kids over to her house (I was 17) She stopped me from having sex with a boy who was pressuring me (when my own mother would just have yelled at me instead of teaching me self worth) I just looked her up.. could not find her but found her husband and sent him a message .. he has already responded telling me that he will see her in a few days as she is on a dominican vacation with her sister .. OMG I now live here in dominican republic. I am leaving that one alone as I do not want to be seen as a crazy stalker woman lol. But I am going to write a nice letter and post it to her when I go up to Canada in 3 weeks. again thank you OP and just so you know...some of us are HIGHLY impacted by good teachers. She certainly helped me set standards and on top of that..best marks in math I ever got as she helped not belittled like some do

Is he a father or a babysitter?
If babysitter, get a better, more competent one who doesn't complain, or try to control your social life.
If he is in fact your husband, and father of your two children then he's failing at that too I'm afraid.
Whilst you are away from the house for a week
A) enjoy yourself
B) indulge in a fantasy of not dealing with negative shite when you make (perfectly legal no need for weirdness) arrangements to live life outside the family home 🌺

PS @Ribyloo GO TO THE WEDDING.. it will mean so very much to a woman that you helped shape! Your husband can deal with HIS kids for that time. If he cannot, he should have a long hard stare in the mirror and ask himself what kind of father and husband he is! GO

I find this really sad. I have kept touch with my school French teacher for 40 years. Nothing creepy about it.

It’s telling that it’s been 24 hours and none of the ‘it’s weird because safeguarding’ crew have been able to produce either statute or guidance to back up their claims, despite their assurances that it definitely definitely exists.

Go! His attitude is his problem, not yours. It's a day you'll never get back.

YANBU!!! Your husband is! You established a lovely bond with this pupil and she is clearly very fond of/thinks highly of you. If it was me, I'd sit down with your own children, explain it all to them and see if they have a problem with all this. If not, then go!! Never mind what your husband thinks, he clearly has issues with caring for his own children for longer than he 'has to'! She wants you at her special day and that's absolutely lovely!

My DH wouldn’t bat eyelid and neither would I if he was going away. Now would I have to batch cook meals. Raising kids is an equal partnership. Don’t let your student/friend down because your H is behaving like a total dick.

What nonsense about it being a safeguarding issue . (Safeguarding lead here.) The ex pupil is an adult. Well done OP. Kids know who cares

Oh my god....I feel genuinely moved for you. Why do so many women ( and I include myself in the past) put up with this toxic shit.
Why do you feel guilty and yet he does not? Does he batch cook for you ? Why is all of this your responsibility???
Take whatever strength you can from wherever you can and claim your rights as an equal partner with exactly the same responsibilities , same expectations, same standards.
If this is a pattern of behaviour ask yourself why ? Ask the really tough questions perhaps taking guidance from someone impartial but with an understanding of this kind of gender disparity ( putting it mildly and with restraint)
In short though, he is being totally unreasonable, however old your children are given that you both work full time.
Good luck x

Firstly, well done. You have clearly had an amazing impact on this young ladies life. What an amazing feeling that must be. It is of course completely understandable that you would want to see her progress into her next stage of married life. Go to the wedding. Feel proud of what you have achieved as a teacher. Your husband will be just fine with the kids.

Please please go.

1. YA most definitely NBU - your husband sounds like a berk.
2. The posters suggesting that this is inappropriate are off their rockers. You have had an enormous positive impact on this woman and her life and it's wonderful that now that she is an adult you have a new peer-to-peer relationship (with I suspect an element of mentoring still).

Re-read your own message here please. Pretend it was written by a stranger on MN, you know the answer to your question. I am sorry you are married to a selfish person but if he is not made aware of his shortcomings he will continue to behave this way.

The student is an adult finishing a PHD! As a fellow teacher this is completely appropriate. Lighten up!

Of course you should go. Your husband is hugely selfish.

But don’t batch cook. Your husband can look after a 10 year old and 16 year old for a week particularly given your parents seem to be doing masses for him.

What an amazing teacher and impact you've had the girls life, what an honour to be invited.

You must go if you want to go. Ignore your husband and go. It'll also show your children how wonderful teachers etc and can have a positive impact on their lives and how speical you are.

Enjoy the wedding.