Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

Your husband is being a giant asshole! It's not like you're dumping him with a couple of strangers their HIS kids too. Go and have a lovely time, you're quite right to be very proud of her, and yourself for keeping going when you were struggling!

does he batch cook before he goes away-or make sure th kide vcan ge to school

bet he doesnt

What a shame you feel anyone is being "forced" to do anything! It's perfectly ok to have a mentor in life, which OP has clearly been to this ex pupil

Did I miss the bit where the OP said there was something wrong with this young woman? Why on earth should a 26 year old decide her friendships based on what her parents think? What normal 26 year old needs to be protected from her wish to invite a friend to her wedding? What on earth is the "free her wings and fly" about? She has a phd and is about to get married. I'd say she freed her wings alright.

@Ribyloo

HNRWT

The whole thing is simple but OP makes it confusing. Why?

If DH is just being a dick about you going regardless of all the childcare you have perfectly arranged, then you of ALL people would know he is being a dick. Random www strangers cannot tell you.

However, your DH seems to have a problem with your friendship. Have you taken the time, in all the time he has complained about things you wanted to do with her, to ask HIM and understand why that is? Because only HE knows why he is objecting: i.e. objecting to you being away for long or objecting to the friendship for reasons you know or, both. Again, random www strangers cannot tell you.

Finally, I do have to ask what you value most: your family and or this friendship. That's how reasonable people make their own decision.

As I started, this situation is confusing because OP can't seem to think for herself and work out what's what. Random strangers on www cannot THINK for you.

Oh wow, this brought tears to my eyes.

I had a teacher in primary school who once said to me "remember to be this person you are today every day. You are special, never forget this." I lived in absolute poverty, I knew it, and this was a day when you had to wear your own clothes to school. Normally a time of extreme angst. My mum had made two dresses for me for for the summer - I rarely got anything new - and I wore one of them to school. I felt like a million dollars and I guess the teacher had somehow recognised this - at a school where almost everyone else came from a home where a new dress was not special at all. Usually I felt like nothing, I lived on one of the city's worst estates, most of the children in my class lived locally in nice, owned, semi detached bungalows or houses... I knew how different our lives were. And yet this teacher saw me feeling good for once, took that small star of joy and made everything shine forever more. I will never forget her and what she said. Andd every time I am sunk by the ever present imposter syndrome that plagues me, I remember what she said. I wish I could have told her what her tiny intervention has meant to me throughout my life.

People like you OP are truly inspirational. You are an incredible person and you need to go to this wedding.

My Ex is going on holiday fir a week with her boyfriend. I love it my boys will be with me all week rather than the half a week normally. Everyone has got to have time for themselves. You are not being selfish, if anything it is their dad that is being selfish.

He goes away for up to 2 weeks at a time for work you say? He doesn't have a leg to stand on. I wouldn't batch cook ahead of time either, unless he does the same for you? Something tells me he doesn't.

Sorry sounds like classic manipulation I'd actually go for longer

Go and enjoy yourself. He’s a parent he should be used to that idea by now. Don’t batch cook, don’t do any of those things leave him to be completely responsible.

Just want to jump on about the 'inappropriateness' - it really isnt! certainly from an independent school point of view where there is always quite the 'old boys/girls' established groups and very much staying in touch is encouraged. Our head of sport has just come back from visiting old boarders and staying with their family in China! On the main point sorry but husband is being a bit of a dick!

Blimey I had to live with my ex geography teacher when I was 18 as I had nowhere else to live!

Call the police!

Your DH is a dickhead. GO.

Go to the wedding OP. Of you are back on Sunday you can make sure to spend whatever time you have with your kids (who will probably be in their room wanting their own space as that age do!). I have three kids 9 and under so if they were that age I'd be saying might be a bit of work for your husband but given the ages of your kids, they will manage fine for a week!
This friend clearly means something to you so if you want to be there you should go. It's not like a lunch that can happen another time, it will probably be her only wedding.

It’s a one off! It’s not like you get invited to weddings every other weekend!
and sure it’s unfortunate that it falls so close to a work trip, but presuming he is their father it isn’t going to kill him to have his own kids for 1 week!

Go to the wedding. Your husband is being a dick. If you’re feeling particularly generous maybe see if the kids can stay with a grandparent or someone Friday to Sunday but they’re at an age where they’re fairly self sufficient so there is no reason your husband can’t manage for 7 days 🙄

Bit of your husband not getting it, relationships is central to students making progress and the fact she wants you at her wedding shows this. Go!

Your husband behaviour is really concerning .

My DS went to a small school and has kept in touch with teachers he liked and had things in common with and I became good friends with some of his teachers too! How inappropriate! He’s also got friends who are decades older than him. Maybe in big cities it seems odd but, in rural areas where professional people have to live as well as work it’s quite common. The practice nurse at our surgery is now my best friend. OPs student became her friend and has been invited to her wedding. OP and her colleague should go and have a great time, DH needs to either keep quiet or learn to accept the friendship

Ignoring all the bullshit openions of the safeguarding of an adult who had left school, (sometimes I do wonder if a sizeable minority of mumsnet posters live in another world), you should absolutely go to her wedding. Because you’re also going away for 5 days on the Monday, I would, as you say, make a few arrangements with your parents/play dates for the youngest etc. but even if you don’t, go to the wedding. There is nothing weird about it and your husband is being obstructive and irrational.

By the way, you sound like an inspirational teacher who goes above and beyond for her pupils. Fair play to you.

The relationship you build up with A-level students it’s important I know for my daughter, his father was completely useless. Now my ex one of her female teachers has become her friend and really supported her. It’s meant the world to her,
just a thought!

I was a social worker for a lot of years and the issue of safeguarding did not enter my head ....main reason being, its not.
Wtf is going on with these people suggesting it is .......you have to laugh it off OP, pinch of salt situation .
Some people would simply start a fight in an empty room and delight in taking a contrary position to anything.
Ignore, you are obvious a gifted teacher and should be very proud of yourself.

I don't see any safeguarding issues. My dc all went/ go to independent schools and their schools all encouraged interaction with the school/ teachers after they had left the school. This might be different in state schools.
Enjoy the wedding and hope Italy is not too stressful ( I went with my school in 1980 and the teachers had to deal with emergency hospital admissions and one pupil disappearing for several hours with some local men).

DPs aunt was my teacher. I adore her and she is a huge part of our life.

I’ll assume that these ridiculous safeguarding concerns would apply according to some posters.

Go to the wedding OP, the idea of making a weekend out of it with your DH and DC is a lovely one if you can afford it but I reckon your DH would still moan about having to entertain children in London.

I think on the safeguarding issue, nobody is lying but safeguarding training must really differ depending on where in the country you are.

I was a DSL in a small school for a few years and the DSL training we were given by the county I was in definitely clearly stated that keeping in touch with students after they left, even through SM, was a safeguarding risk, and we must discourage our teacher from doing it as strongly as possible. I vividly remember sitting hearing that and thinking, oh God, that's very different from practice in the school I was in at the time. It was an independent school and a lot of the teachers seemed to get an ego-boost out of displaying their relationships with former students - letters they had had from them displayed in montages, that sort of thing - I am from a state background (and back in state education now thank God) so all seemed very strange to me.....

So yeah, definitely some of the people responding here are not lying that they have been told the sort of relationship OP describes is off-limits with an ex student ...

Personally I do also find it too intense and almost romantic in tone. The fact that this one girl was the only reason for you going in to school, OP, rings alarm bells. And the fact that she brings you small gifts every time she comes to see you - I don't have any friends I do this with, but I might do it to someone I had romantic feelings for.... So I do understand the OP's husband's point of view, and if he was posting on here might he not we'll be told to "listen to his gut instincts"?