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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want to look after someone's DC

466 replies

howan · 03/01/2024 18:35

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

OP posts:
Runningwater1 · 03/01/2024 21:21

hrtwt but it’s clear that your husband is the problem. It’s insane to expect you to put up with this, is there more to the story? Is he very unreasonable in other ways? From what you’ve shared it seems highly weird, but maybe that’s just because there’s some info missing. Regardless of the full story, it’s not right to volunteer one’s spouse for something like this- if he takes full charge when they are there then that’s at least approaching tolerable but honestly you should be able to enjoy your home and family without being given random children to babysit against your will.

Sceptical123 · 03/01/2024 21:23

Here’s a maaaaad suggestion - why doesn’t DH’s nephew look after his own child? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ellie1015 · 03/01/2024 21:25

Does dh expect you to cancel the plans you have? Once per week is far too much but specifically in this case where you have plans why does he think you should cancel?

SecondHandFurniture · 03/01/2024 21:26

This is awful. Poor 6 year old, being sent off weekly to relatively distant relatives because their new sibling is taking all their mum and dad's energy.

Ellie56 · 03/01/2024 21:26

Sceptical123 · 03/01/2024 21:23

Here’s a maaaaad suggestion - why doesn’t DH’s nephew look after his own child? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was wondering that. Better still if DH and nephew have such a good relationship they can look after the 6 year old together!

Sceptical123 · 03/01/2024 21:27

Oh my gosh - even better! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

LakeTiticaca · 03/01/2024 21:27

My ex roped me into minding a neighbours 12 months old son for 4 hours evenings (free of charge) while she worked. I had a 9 month old baby and was pregnant again. I did it for about 3 evenings, getting more and more pissed off. On the 4th evening she should have picked him up at 815pm. Didn't show. At 945pm I went up to her flat to see where she was. She was home but just hadn't bothered to pick up her brat. I was fuming. That was the last time I did it.
You need to be very clear that you are not an unpaid childminder because this will escalate. The kid will end up being at your house more that their own home, eventually

cerisepanther73 · 03/01/2024 21:28

@howan

Why should you 😕 be made to feel responsible so often as this for your husband's family member,

if it was occasionally with your permission maybe different,

Not to this extant,

InAPickle12345 · 03/01/2024 21:33

How long has this been going on OP?

Greenpolkadot · 03/01/2024 21:33

howan · 03/01/2024 21:15

The child is my DH's nephew's child! DH and nephew are close in age and have close relationship. Nephew's wife is the one always tired and always complaining that she hasn't had good night sleep in ages, that she is tired, that she's dying from running around and my DH somehow thinks that we can share her load of child-rearing.
I admit that if it was my own sister and my niece/nephew, I would help, but not so keen on DH's extended family.

Show quote history

So the child has a father then ?
Is there something with him that he can't help his wife with his own children ?
You've got three cheeky fuckers there op. The mother. The father and dh.
Put your foot down girlie quick sharp

Scarletttulips · 03/01/2024 21:34

Time for you and the kids to head out for coffee - pictures or any other family activity and leave DH to the babysitting.

Mirabai · 03/01/2024 21:35

That would be a hell no from me.

Does DH even do the childcare for this 6 year old?

MrsKarlUrban · 03/01/2024 21:37

Grrr I'm annoyed for you! Three cheeky fuckers - let the nephew look after his own child
Stick to your guns
It's NO don't need excuses just - no we can't do that

FirstFallopians · 03/01/2024 21:38

Sceptical123 · 03/01/2024 21:23

Here’s a maaaaad suggestion - why doesn’t DH’s nephew look after his own child? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactly.

I was imagining a struggling single parent situation, not a two parent household who just needed to catch up on some zzzz’s.

whynotwhatknot · 03/01/2024 21:40

so a two parent family needs help from their uncle to look after their child every week

but its you who has to do it

Moveoverdarlin · 03/01/2024 21:44

She’s taking the piss and your DH is falling for it. Say no from now on.

Caterina99 · 03/01/2024 21:45

Helping out with the 6 year old occasionally is a nice thing to do. Lovely that he has a good relationship with his big cousins etc.

Having him sleepover at your house every weekend when he has 2 parents and presumably no pressing reasons to need extra support (severe illness, disability or something) is ridiculous. His own parents should be looking after him!

momonpurpose · 03/01/2024 21:50

GabriellaMontez · 03/01/2024 18:38

Next time dh wants to 'help' make sure you make plans to go out.

Then go out. Late.

Every single time. When it's his problem I bet it will stop

AGoingConcern · 03/01/2024 21:52

Your problem is with your DH, not the family member or her children. She is accepting help from family members that - as far as she knows - the family members are happy to provide. The BS about how she shouldn't get help just because you didn't just makes you sound awful, honestly. Lay off that. The family member is not at fault for your and your DH's partnership and communication issues.

That said, it sounds like your DH is communicating to his relative that your family is happy to host the 6 year old when you are not, and you are not obligated to help out family without boundaries. Have a straightforward talk that if he wants to keep this offer extended then you will not be helping look after the guest and that your teens will be told that they're free to make their own plans. Or agree on a frequency of visits that feels manageable and he must communicate that to his relative. It's not acceptable for him to volunteer your services against your wishes.

2jacqi · 03/01/2024 21:53

howan · 03/01/2024 21:15

The child is my DH's nephew's child! DH and nephew are close in age and have close relationship. Nephew's wife is the one always tired and always complaining that she hasn't had good night sleep in ages, that she is tired, that she's dying from running around and my DH somehow thinks that we can share her load of child-rearing.
I admit that if it was my own sister and my niece/nephew, I would help, but not so keen on DH's extended family.

Show quote history

@howan so why cant the child go to stay with your husband brother or sister, whoever the grandparent is??

DeeLusional · 03/01/2024 21:54

ohtowinthelottery · 03/01/2024 18:39

I assume that the 14 and 12 year old are your DCs but not your DHs.
Of course the 6 year old can come and stay with their Uncle - he can take care of them whilst you go off and visit your family with your DC.

Why assume that the DCs are not DH's DCs? Yes she says they aren't really "cousins", but that may just mean that they are some sort of relation that the family calls "cousins". OP, are these children DH's sister's children? Or is this girl child possibly a lot closer to DH than anyone knows.....?

Bunnycat101 · 03/01/2024 21:55

Another way round it is to say the teenagers want paying for looking after the 6yo as they’re thinking of starting a babysitting sideline and given the 6yo enjoys their company so much, they’d love him to be first child. Bet they’d stop sending him round so quickly then…

sandyhappypeople · 03/01/2024 21:55

Your updates still don't explain why DH feels so obligated to help?

Is the Nephews wife the mum of the 6 year old? Does the nephew work away? Nothing you have said so far has explained why your DH would feel like he 'needs to help' to the point where it's every weekend.

I can't help feeling there's more to this then you're letting on...

LaurieStrode · 03/01/2024 21:55

Greenpolkadot · 03/01/2024 21:33

So the child has a father then ?
Is there something with him that he can't help his wife with his own children ?
You've got three cheeky fuckers there op. The mother. The father and dh.
Put your foot down girlie quick sharp

Show quote history

This! It's unbelievable that these three entitled grifters think they can stick you with the childcare.

Why did your nephew's wife choose to have another child if she found one such hard going? Her problem, not yours. You do have a DH problem, though.

ohtowinthelottery · 03/01/2024 21:57

@DeeLusional Because the OP also referred to the 14 & 12 year olds as "MY children "