Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

I agree with PP that it's good to see someone deal effectively with a CF! Now it's 'just' a matter of getting through to your husband that you don't owe this relative of his free childcare on a regular basis (or ever). I'd ask him why you never received any of this assistance, when your own children were young, since apparently it's something that 'needs' to happen for his relative.

Does the relative not have a husband or partner or her own to pick up the slack? No closer family? If he wants to help her (assuming he's already fulfilling his responsibilities at home and with his own kids), he's welcome to volunteer his own time, but not yours or your children's.

Bloody hell she's dropping him off nearly once a week? Absolute piss take and good on you for putting your foot down.

@howan

I suggest if your DH agrees to this again (and I'm sure he will) that you leave before the child arrives and either stay the night with a friend/relative or check in to a hotel for the night. I'd also give the option to your two DC. They can come with you or stay home as they choose.

Let your DH be left home alone to entertain the 6 year old.

Honestly, go out and let your DH deal with it. It'll soon stop.

You have a DH problem. If he wants to babysit he can go ahead and do so but you don't need to and your dcs don't need to entertain a 6 year old either. I would be leaving DH to it for the duration of the sleepover. He offered to babysit you did not. Go out with your friends, see your family, go to a film with your dcs do anything but babysit.

I put my foot down with DH a few months ago when he offered to "babysit" for a family member. Given he was going to be at work at the time I was going to be left babysitting plus caring for our 3 dcs (one who is disabled). I simply did not want to care for another DC when I have 3 myself. DH was promptly told that I would not be babysitting for anyone elses child particularly as the family member had never reprocieted all the previous babysitting I had done for them. End of discussion from my point of view.

You’re right to have decided to decline every time. The relative sounds very entitled by her response of saying her child was upset. Why would she communicate that to you and try to guilt trip you when you had her kid over a few days before? Ridiculous and ungrateful.

You definitely have a husband problem though, he’s deciding for the whole household that this child should stay regularly and I bets he leaves you to do most of the childcare? If he is that bothered he should step up and offer to take this child out for a fun activity every now and again. He can invite your DCs too, although most likely they won’t want to come. No reason for him to be imposing the poor kid on you and their much older ‘cousins’.

Also the relative has two kids reasonably far apart in age, she and whoever else is responsible for them will just have to learn how to handle both of them.

As your husband is so keen to help i assume he does everything for the 6yr old when he's with you?

Why does this family member need so much help?

Tee hee, you have to say this sometime! 😂

I think the problem is that if you leave your husband alone then he may just fob the younger child off on your older children and go do his own thing somewhere else in the house. Your children may be unhappy and he may just tell them they're being selfish because they don't want to play with someone half their age. I think the way you do this is, ohmygoodness, Friday night, I forgot little Lilith was coming over, whatapity that me, James, and Veronica all have to go to a minigolf party to which she's not invited. Whatashame. Hopefully you can entertain her by playing with her favorite dolls and helping her to bedazzle all your clothes. Havefunbyeeeee!!!

If the child is upset why don't you offer to send yours to hers lol

What does the 6 year old think of it? My almost 6yo loves his (NOT weekly) sleepovers at granny’s/aunty’s house but no way would he want to go every weekend.

I wondered this? Am sure op said not an actual relation?

I’m glad you’re putting your foot down now OP, for your own kids’ sake.

Different circumstances, but I remember when my Grandad’s dementia was really deteriorating and he basically needed 24/7 supervision. Our dad wanted my then late teens sister and I to stay with him for 2 weeks while him and my uncle went on their separate summer holidays (arranged without checking dates with each other…)

My mum, who normally just let dad get on with things for an easy life, really put her foot down. Said it was up to him if he didn’t want to seek professional help for his dad, but he wasn’t palming him off on two teenagers who had no experience of care giving and who wouldn't have a clue what to do if their was an emergency with both dad and uncle out of the country.

Dad copped on and got things rearranged, but I never forgot that from my mum. Your own kids are being forced into a quasi-caring arrangement here, which I can only imagine will intensify as they get older and can babysit their “cousin”, and even their younger sibling, on their own.

Just as your children are getting to an independent age why on earth would your husband think you’d want to look after someone else’s younger child all the time! No way.

It's reasonably to put your foot down and say no, or to go out have fun and leave him with the responsibility of looking after this child.

Tell you husband it's not fair on your dc or you. If he wants to look after dn that's fine but he's on his own.

Good on your mum. Men will outsource care to any nearest female, whether it’s their wife, mum, nan, sister or daughter.

Do say you look forward to them hosting your 12 year old as many times as you have the 6yr old. As the 6yr old is so upset not coming they can have 1/2 of yours!

So rude of her to say the child is upset! Emotional blackmail. Even less chance of a sleepover now for that one! 😜 Some people are so cheeky. Keep it light and say no.

@howan what is the relationship between your husband and family member who isnt???? does family member not have a partner and he is taking on the role? does family member not have parents who can help? young teens are never going to want to play with a 6 year old, no matter what your husband says!

The child is my DH's nephew's child! DH and nephew are close in age and have close relationship. Nephew's wife is the one always tired and always complaining that she hasn't had good night sleep in ages, that she is tired, that she's dying from running around and my DH somehow thinks that we can share her load of child-rearing.
I admit that if it was my own sister and my niece/nephew, I would help, but not so keen on DH's extended family.

@howan

Their is some real good deals to stay at a hotels and guest's houses in the Uk especially now, as it's out of season period,

I quite often book online on Booking. com website on my mobile,
there is often cheaper deals to stay overnight by doing it this way too.

enjoy having time away relaxing in the many lovely guest houses and hotels in the UK,

I can guarantee 💯 you will love ❤️ appreciate having a break from the stress of being the go -to designated childcare person with your husband's family...

Almost every weekend - no way! I’d be planning lots of events, meet up with friends etc, (which somehow get cancelled at last minute…).

No. He is my DH nephew's child. DH and nephew have close relationship and are of similar age.

@howan

Or why not book complementary therapies sessions or healthspa membership 🤔 on the days when you are expected to do childcare for your husband's family?

Have you got any hobbies interests you would like to take up on a regular basis too?

to help escape post Christmas and winter blues time...