Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

It sounds like you are the adult in the relationship and he has adopted the role of spoilt child.

if I were in your situation I’d be doing exactly the same as you. You have been very patient.

Hopefully he will sit down and have an adult discussion with you and it will get resolved satisfactorily .

I know , pathetic aren’t they . Especially the love child one . Imagination overload.

Absolutely this!

If dh is so keen to help, surely he wants to help out with the baby too, and it makes so much more sense for him to babysit in their home with all their toys and resources for 2 young children. Nephew can go to work and his wife can go back to bed knowing the children are in capable hands!!

You absolutely have a dh problem and I fear from experience that you're right about things escalating with your staying work and gaining that personal independence. Fortunately with time, most partners get used to the shift. Hopefully your dh will.

op get a divorce.

You are not nothing. You are entitled to a peaceful life. You are not his or his family's maid. Coercive control op x

What passive aggressive bullshit from hIm. Perhaps prepare a response for every one of these comments- how about oh if you wanted to help you could wash up after?

I think you have every right to be peeved and not want to look after the little boy every weekend or even every other weekend, lovely as he may be. Definitely put your foot down with your DH and say that the child is his mother's/parents' responsibility to look after. I concur with the advice of many others that if your DH insists on the boy staying with you, that he is your DH's responsibility to look after and entertain - and that you and your children don't need to be there to help.

However, I feel I must add that I don't agree with the sentiment that "(I) have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I 'help' them now?". There's nothing wrong with being kind and helping people out if they need it; their circumstances may have been different when your children were young. I also know how oblivious we can be to those who have young children when we don't have children ourselves. I certainly was. I stress, helping others out. I'm not advocating being taken advantage of as is the case with this family member and her son.

There's nothing wrong with being kind and helping people out if they need it;

Rxcept these cheeky pair have each other -
They also tell the child he’s going before even asking if he’s welcome.
They also bombard OP DH with requests.

OP isn’t asking if she can help, she’s being told she’s helping.

"There's nothing wrong with being kind and helping people out if they need it"

Well then the OPs husband is not being kind is he? He's not helping out. He's volunteering the op as a babysitter. Surely he should Be Kind and take care of his nephew himself if he wants to help?

Yep. It's like volunteering someone else's money for charity and telling everyone what a kind and helpful person you are.

I'm really sorry but no more sleep overs. I find it all too much hard work. I know husband keeps saying yes, but he doesn't actually help out with the kids, it all falls to me.
Word for word, I would send this text. Its the truth.

I guess when people have had no help themselves, they've worked really hard to raise their children and when their own kids get to an age where mum/dad can get back some free time and take things a bit easier themselves, they aren't inclined to take on other people's responsibilities. And who can blame them? Very few people want to be doing childcare forever!

Those people who had a lot of help and support with their own young families, might not be so knackered and more inclined to help others.

But either way, helping is one thing, having the piss taken and becoming default carers for someone else's child, is another thing entirely.

And no one can reasonably argue that the person doing the volunteering, shouldn't be the one to actually do the work! OP didn't volunteer, none of this is on her!

Wondering what happened today...

Yes. Really hoping the OP is having the weekend to herself.

This is one of the key problems with Mumsnet, the nasty Mumsnetters who are constantly trying to find fault and pick a fight over every little thing/comment

Be kind.

OP my mother was controlled by my father.

We were always offered up to “help” family and friends. Whether it was to babysit, clean, cook run errands for them. He wanted to be the saviour to the community and tbh he was a monster at home.

He would borrow or give people money yet would never give us any money.

My childhood was burdened with this expectation and the inability to say no.

Please please nip it in the bud now.

Your husband is a selfish prick.

Stand your ground op

@howan

Just wondering if you got any 'resolution' for this weekend. If you did, great! If you didn't remember "if at first you don't succeed, try try again".

An update: I have had a peaceful and lovely day with my children. After my text to child's mother on Thursday, we have had no communication and no child was brought to me last night! We were supposed to go see my family today, but father tested positive for covid so stayed home and had lovely time with DCs- managed even to make one of them to walk with me in the local park!
I am strong now and told my DH that I will never look after this child (bar emergency) ever again, no matter how tired his mother is- I have a right to peaceful and quiet weekends from now on.
Thank You Ladies for support and advice ❤️

Awesome update 🥹 Power to you sister

Great update, bar the covid, of course.

Result. 🙌

Good result. What is dh thinking about it now? Did he appreciate the quieter day too? Maybe plan a few low key trips over the coming weeks so you have some clear reasons while dh and nephew/wife get used to the new normal. I know you shouldn't need to but in reality it is easier to say 'sorry we can't we have plans to watch a 12 at the cinema and it isn't appropriate.' They will move on to someone else.

<chef's kiss> Beautiful!