Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

Apart from the burden on you, if I were your 12 and 14-year-olds, I would be really irritated at having a random 6-year-old in the house every five minutes. I was 14 when my mum was childminding kids that age, and I just found it to be a pain.

Your DH is being a giant twat about this.

slightly off topic, but hearing people refer to babies/toddlers as 'brats' really makes my skin crawl, I think it's a good thing your arrangement was short lived.

I agree the child is going to end up at your house more than there own if this is not nipped on the bud. I have watched this unfold in DH family and feel heart sorry for the child who is rarely at home because the mum and dad "need a break" . The unpaid babysitter never gets a break.

@howan I totally get where you are coming from. I’ve 3 dcs who are now all primary and secondary aged but can do so imagine this situation with certain people, particularly my bil who now has a way younger girlfriend and omg good luck to them if they have kids and expect any help from us!
They never even look at our kids when visiting…
Anyway for all the people saying just let dh do it and you go out , the op shouldn’t have to leave her house !!! It’s so, so cheeky , also expecting your dcs to entertain the dc. Especially when they didn’t help you when you had small kids . I never get that tbh, like why don’t they make that connection! It’ll be the baby once it becomes a toddler next ….

You've done the hardest bit, you have said no. Stick to your guns. You owe it to yourself and your own children. It's not normal to be landed with someone else's child. The parents have to step up and sort themselves out. Daddy(nephew) can mind his own children while mummy has a rest.
If the 6 year old is upset, it's the parent's and DH's fault for creating the situation.

This is a weird and unusual situation, where a man is insisting that his wife regularly looks after someone else's child especially a "great-niece". DH is same age-ish as the childs's father. Is it remotely possible that DH is the child's actual father?

My DH wants to help, as the mother keeps complaining how hard she is finding to look after her 2 DCs. Child's father usually works at weekends. That woman was like that when she only had one child. I don't really know why she had another, if one Dc was 'hard'.
And, of course, my DH leaves all the care of a child to me.
I just had a talk with DH about it again, and he's gone downstairs in a huff, as, apparently, I am 'insensitive and selfish'! 🤬

I swear the same thing crossed my mind!!!

But it's probably highly unlikely.

I'd love to know how long this has been going on for, is it just since their second child was born or prior to this?

He is highly selfish and insensitive. He wants the kudos of helping out while putting all the work on you and doesn't care the impact it has on you. Do you have family or money for you and DC to stay somewhere else next time he offers you up to help? Then keep doing it till he gets the idea. If he wants to help he can help. He doesn't get to volunteer your time.

How dare he call you selfish when he is volunteering your time and energy not his own. If he wants to help her HE can help her, not you or your DC. She is really selfish too. Cancel every time or leave until they both get the message. They don't get to decide what you should be doing with your time and energy and your life.

He's the insensittive and selfish one! What a horse's ass!

I really think you need to go away for a weekend so that he gets the full brunt of caring for the six-year-old. Let him see what he is asking you to do. Don't lay in any food or make any prep whatsoever. Let him handle every aspect of logistics. If the kid ends up hungry, overtired,not having a bed prepared, etc., that is on him to solve.

Is there any chance that you and the other kids can get away? Or at least, you?

Then I really have to ask - why is his nephew not stepping up and parenting his own child? OK, his wife is tired - but he is THERE. He's an adult. A parent. Why is your husband infantilising him, not allowing his nephew to learn how to be a father?

I would be so pissed off with all this, I'd be giving all three of them the rough end of my tongue. Mother for sending her eldest to you without considering you, father for not supporting his wife and parenting his child, and husband for being a feckin' White Knight Riding To The Rescue twatface. He's preening like The Big I Am, whilst not stepping up himself. Nope. I would happily embarrass him in front of his family by putting my foot down to them. Bypass your husband completely, and tell this couple you are not their skivvy and this is stopping NOW.

I don’t want to suggest anything which will add to any difficulties in your marriage but what do you think would happen if you did (as others have suggested) just take off the next time this child gets dropped off, or before? Would DH cancel? Would he get really cross that you’ve left him with the child and sulk? Maybe he’d be expect your 2 DC to take over? I think you’re more than entitled to at least warn him that your friends have invited you/and DC out over the next few wknds and, as has already been suggested, leave him to it.

That explains it a little more.. but then really your DH isn't helping his nephew at all, he's helping his nephew's wife?

I feel incredibly sorry for the child, they're being sent away from home because their parents find it too 'hard' to look after them, makes you wonder if they are being neglected the rest of the time as well.

If your DH leaves all childcare in your hands then I suggest rather than playing chinese whispers like this you need to cut out the middle prats and ask that Nephew's wife asks you directly if it's convenient, rather than asking your DH, it's no wonder he's agreeing to it because he looks like the good guy while fobbing all the work off to you, if you do it this way you can control if or when you are prepared to help out.

Please don't punish the child out of spite of it's parents though, you said earlier if it was your family you'd do it no question, and the poor child can't choose who their deadbeat parents are, the time they spend with you may be the best times the child has, but only you really know if any of that is true or not.

YOU'RE selfish? He volunteered you for an unpaid nannying job!

No, put your foot down and keep it down.
This happened with a school mum when my kids were in primary, her son “ really loved coming to our house” so much so that I was hosting her dc every weekend. And my child didn’t like staying at theirs and refused to go. It went on for a year until I said no and kept it at no.

OP you are not insensitive or selfish. Your DH is a total twat who has volunteered YOU to care for his nephews child. It's not your role to care for this child it's the parents. I cant phathom why they had a 2nd child when they couldn't even cope with 1.

This is about your DHs ego maybe if he actually did the childcare he would realise it's not fun but really hard work. Your kids are at an age you should have more freedom not less. If you can't reason with him leave him to babysit. He offered so he can take the responsibility. You shouldn't have to leave your house but in this instance I firmly suggest you make alternative plans with your dcs everytime he offers you to babysit. He needs to learn a lesson and your dcs need to not be the default babysitters when your not there. It's unfair on you all and your DH won't listen to you so show him it's not fun being dumped with a 6 year old to care for.

So the child’s father is first cousin to your DC, which means the child and your DC are first cousins one removed.

None of which puts any onus on you to care for said child. Or for your DC to ‘entertain’ them.

When child comes, does your DH do any of the care at all? Or cook the dinner, or entertain the child, or take them out?

If not, it really does seem as though your DH is offering your time and effort, without your consent, and none of his own.

Where is child’s grandparent - your DH’s sibling - in this arrangement?

Your DH isn’t offering to help though is he. He is forcing YOU to help. I would say he can invite her whenever he wants, but I’m having no part of looking after her. To the point of taking your dc out and leaving him to deal. He is behaving utterly selfishly

I’d ask him how you both miraculously coped with your own two children, whereas his nephew and wife somehow can’t? I’m assuming no special needs that are making their situation much harder than yours.

I think all three of you (you and your Dc’s) need to explain to your DH that none of you are enjoying these regular sleepovers. Once in a while (every two months and during the summer holidays perhaps) is OK m but not frequently. Your DC are so much older and none of you enjoy being used for free babysitting.

I think all this going out, leaving him to it is just silly, for one the OP shouldn't have to leave her own house or 'go on strike' to make a point, when she can just say no, which she has done.

Secondly, and more importantly why make the child go hungry or tired or not have anywhere to sleep or be made to feel unwelcome.. don't you think it suffers enough from at it's own house?

@howan you mean YOU can share her load. Everyone else gets off scot free!

Ps. she sounds depressed...

I understand you e said the child is the son of your husbands nephew.

But could it be a possibility that he your husband is actually his dad?

Otherwise I just can't understand why he is pushing for him to visit every weekend.

Regardless, how much effort does he put into dealing with the child at the weekends? I agree with pp that you (and your kids) should just go away for the weekend every time this happens. Stay with family or whatever.

If DH wants to babysit, let him babysit. I would imagine it would stop quite quickly.

could they be his kids?

You got me at your dh leaves all care of the child to you. I wouldn’t say no, but I’d go out the next 4 times, and stay at a friends overnight. Then you and your dh can talk about it again and maybe he will suddenly have got a clue.

That explains it a little more.. but then really your DH isn't helping his nephew at all, he's helping his nephew's wife?
The DH is not helping anyone OP is. Leaving the child with her DH or saying no is not punishing him out of spite. OP being willing to help her sister doesn't mean she is spiteful not to be an extra parent to this other child. OP is allowed to have boundaries and say no to caring for a that is not hers. The nephews wife is a CF nothing to say she's neglect or abusive, she's onto a good thing and doesn't GAF how much it impacts OP.