Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

he swears blind I'm lucky to have him and anyone else would be thrilled to have someone like him as a husband.

And he's told me I'm mugging him off, taking advantage of him, called me a bitch and a see you next Tuesday and said if he knew marriage was like he wouldn't have signed up for it.

So let's just look at those two statements back to back....

Divorce him, get a shit hit lawyer and take all you can! He's a cunt!

Your marriage is doomed. Do yourself a massive favour and leave him now before his abuse gets worse. Your children watching their father abuse their mother will be what ruins their lives, not you divorcing him.

I don’t think the split is unreasonable if I’m honest but he shouldn’t speak to you like that. AT ALL.

he should be paying for half of everything kid related so all gifts and clubs and clothes. He might also want to pay a cleaner to give you a break!! We don’t share money here but we both have kids previously so we just put an equal amount into the join account for the house and bills and then we have what’s left, this works well because we earn a similar amount, he pays maintenance out and I get maintenance in.

I don’t pay for his kids and he doesn’t pay for mine. We split dinners out with everyone band holidays etc 50/50.

Bloody hell!! That's disgusting.

Why did he create children if he thought they paid for themselves!! And now his wife is paying for them and looks to him for a contribution he's angry!?

It's your joint life.
All the bills from your joint accommodation, joint children, joint logistics options (transport enables all the family stuff to happen), good on the table and someone to manage it all, are just basic adult life... If you're a team you stand shoulder to shoulder and sort it together.

He seems to think, he's minted and his family are a drain on his cash.

Really sorry to hear you're being treated this way. A man like this is never going to love you like anyone should if he sees you as an expense he regrets! 😔

Just put what you both earn into a bank account and pay for everything from it! (How much more housework, childcare etc. you should do because you work part time, and whether / when you should work full time are separate issues.)

I’m in a similar financial position. My DH earns 4 or even 5 times my salary.
We have a joint account and then our own bank accounts. Over the years since we’ve had our children and I’ve earned less due to childcare he has taken responsibility for more and more.
Now I pay for food, petrol, kids clubs, clothes, shoes. My own clothes and ‘treat’ money. I pay for the cat as well - vets, cattery etc.
DH pays all other bills. Mostly his choice I could contribute more if it bothered him, it doesn’t. All our money is there to be used to keep our family happy and thriving. If at any point he didn’t have enough for him to do the things he wanted to we’d change things. He doesn’t resent it as far as I’m aware. Often checks with me that I have enough and offers to give me more if I want to do something that i feel I can’t afford. He’ll pay for anything to do with the children without question. He’s a good man and I don’t take him for granted or waste his money.

Engaged but not yet married. 1 child, another on the way. Pre kids we split bills and food shopping 50/50 as earned similar. I made it clear that if we were having kids I expected all finances joint. Since day 1 Mat leave all finances have been joint. We pay the bills, the rest is for food shopping, fuel, clothes for our son etc. after Mat leave I went back 3 days a week. I now earn £29k for those 3 days (approx £1800pm take home). He earns approx £50k (I would earn approx £48k if full time). we don’t have much left just now, but in the future if we do we would both get equal spends to do what we want with etc.

Why isn't all money joint?

This sounds utterly miserable. My dh earns 3x what I do and everything just goes in one account. We spend what we like: no his and hers spends. Dh tops up my savings and pension contributions so we have exactly the same ISAs and pension investments.

Why is he annoyed?
There must be a reason.

Does he wasn’t you to go back full time?
Are you regularly spending all of your disposable income and constantly asking him for money?
Does he want more to do a specific hobby?

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone being annoyed that they’re paying so much more, when they earn so much more.

There’s got to be more to this than what he’s saying.

Is this a new thing?
Surely this was agreed before having the kids.

And he's told me I'm mugging him off, taking advantage of him, called me a bitch and a see you next Tuesday and said if he knew marriage was like he wouldn't have signed up for it.

He said what?! Called you what?! Seriously, the money is the least of it. He’s a verbally abusive prick. Was this in front of your children?

Have you considered why he's so controlling with finances? It's really wrong, you should have equal access.

He's conditioned you to think he's "generous", he's not.

Would you like to work full time?

Because that is your only option if you dont want to separate.

Then writing down EVERY SINGLE JOB in the house and putting his/your name by each.

He probably has no idea of all the jobs you do in the house - for FREE. So ok, he wants you to start "pulling your weight" more financially, fine (not really, but for the sake of this thread).

You work more for money, he does more of the "free" stuff

It doesn't really work for the one earning extra to have extra each month as one of the reasons he can earn extra is that the op is looking after THEIR children.

Money should be in one pot and left overs shared equally.

He doesn't sound very nice. You need to get angry and not sad. Point out the children are his too. Point out the childcare you provide by working part time. Offer to get a full time job and he pays childcare? Stop doing anything for him. Don't know if you do but if keeping house includes doing any washing/clearing up after/errands for him then stop.

Or put up with this and get used to your husband being nasty to you.

Similar situation, my DH earns twice as much as me now. I used to be the breadwinner but cut down my hours due to needs of DC, which I was happy to do as I didn't like my job! We more or less split bills evenly and pay half for holidays, he tends to pay more really and more when we're there. Any important items I will contribute a third to. Thing he's a spender, likes his hobbies, including brand new motorbike etc and I'm pretty frugal and a saver. We manage fine and I've always been financially independent so budget accordingly. I wouldn't want him to give up his hobbies, life is for living, often wish I had more interests but just don't seem to have the time or motivation as much as I used to. Xx

Absolutely disgusting way way to treat you , you are his wife and the mother of his children 😡

@mumtoboys12 Sorry to say this but your husband’s attitude is ABHORRENT. Your children will notice how miserable you are in this situation. What are you gaining from this marriage? Does he have other redeeming qualities? Divorce.

You’re a family so all of your money should be for all of you. Splitting things up is silly and your husband’s attitude stinks.

If he talks to you like that then you have bigger problems than him not paying his share. A man would only call me a cunt once and then he would be out on his ear.

You can’t live a happy life with someone who believes you are taking advantage and ‘mugging them off’!

Please call his bluff OP and say ok then, if this is not what you signed up for then we should separate. Find out in advance how much child maintenance he would have to pay.

My DH earns over 4 times what I do! All money is in one pot and always has been. Even way back when I was the sole earner and then when he was the sole earner.
This was agreed before we got married. Too late for OP but this sort of thing should be discussed and agreed before marriage and children.

He needs to pay half the kids costs, he earns more so should cover more.

you need to have the same proportion of money left over

'So I'm left with £600
He's left with around 1.5k

Does this sound unfair or fair?'

I've only got this far but have you seriously just typed this out? Any trace of irony?

What do you think it sounds op? Genuinely. One has £600 and one has £1.5k. On what bonkers planet do you need ti ask if that's fair or not? Fair is equal. The same.

You have basically just asked - does £600 equal £1.5k.

And, um, no op. They're different amounts.

I'm sorry you're in this position. The attitude of your husband is unrecognisable to most people. In my family and when I was growing up all money was family money, irrespective of who earned what.
I wonder if there's anyone(family members) he could speak to who could explain this to him.