Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

Exactly.

That's how it works with us too except I'm the higher earner.

SouthLondonMum22 do you end up having a more extravagant lifestyle than your DH because you have more disposable income? I know you keep saying your DH has chosen not to push himself so you deserve the extra money but that seems strange to me. Surely you would want the person you care about to have as nice a lifestyle as you? It comes across as quite selfish. Perhaps your DH is more susceptible to work stress than you are? A supportive spouse would be understanding of that surely?

Obviously the picture is very different if you are very generous with your extra earnings, as in paying for house improvements, holidays, family days out, meals etc.

SAHM here, my eldest (15f) is not my partners, youngest (3m) is. My partner pays all the bills and puts a set amount into my personal account each month for me to spend as I please, but I also have his credit card for household shopping, kids needs etc. I do most of the cleaning and childcare but he will clean if he sees something that needs doing and cooks for us all several times a week. We are a team, he works, I stay home. Money is not an issue. He’s significantly older than me and when he retires and the kids are older, I will work to boost his pension. Money coming into a family household is for the whole family. He’d still be paying the bills if you moved out. Sounds like financial abuse.

He isn't more susceptible to work stress, he just isn't interested in the extra responsibility right now.

He has a nice lifestyle, we are both high earners. I wouldn't leave him struggling or with nothing, he has plenty. I just have more because I earned it.

I don't think it's selfish. DH feels the same as pp, he doesn't feel entitled to my money at all.

@mumtoboys12 I hate to say it but you don't need a joint account you need a divorce lawyer. I hope you're ok, you deserve better.

Update...agreed to joint account and admitted he's been an arse and disgustingly rude to me. Has also paid £200 for my hair today. Think there's a bit of guilt and realisation at the situation. But he's basically said I don't show him enough respect or kindness for what he does pay to keep the roof over our heads (?!) either way....

Still not out the woods due to the way he speaks to me. But he's currently building Lego with our little one and I can't help but think I might have been unfair. Cos he's a great dad. But has been very rude to me and I can't forgive that. Money is hard, life is hard. You are all so lovely and kind. I will update you with how things go and if everything improves.

Mums net maybe this post needs to be removed now if possible please because I don't want any more arguing between people

This sort of thing makes me so mad. Run as fast as you can from this vile man. He’s shown his true colours even if there’s been a recent climbing down from his initial position. Running as fast as you can may not be quick but have an exit strategy. What a twat.

But he's basically said I don't show him enough respect or kindness for what he does pay to keep the roof over our heads (?!) either way....

Well he isn’t showing you enough respect for the fact that you brought his children into the world.

He seems to think he’s your line manager.

@mumtoboys12 all the best ❤️

100 per cent agree with your last line, and imo this happens when the man is deathly miserable at work, and thinks (wrongly obviously) that his wife is on some kind of domestic bliss holiday looking after the kids, is massively jealous of her, and so wants to keep his money as the only ‘perk’ he gets out of working so hard and being so miserable.

so the problems aren’t really going to go away just from spreadsheeting expenses and talking about pots and halves and quarters and whatnot. This guy needs some therapy, a different job, and a bit of a revaluation of what’s important to him.

We have 2 children, one of whom is disabled. You should think yourself lucky you have nothing more to worry about. We used to earn about the same when we lived in London before the children came along. Now we pool everything as I no longer work. When my husband gets paid he transfers it to me, we worked out an amount for 'spending money' for each of us to spend on what we wish. The rest pays for bills, holidays, savings for the children. You're supposed to be a team

What form does he think this "respect" should take? I really really want to know.

That's a good update. However, he clearly still thinks he's carrying you and your not grateful enough. He probably thinks you should be kissing his arse and having more sex. Can I suggest you slowly build a secret emergency fund so you can afford to see a solicitor when you need one. Unfortunately, there will be a next time.

"But he's basically said I don't show him enough respect or kindness for what he does pay to keep the roof over our heads (?!) either way...."

Jesus, he's a total dick with a god complex. He shows you no respect or kindness yet you should be showing HIM more? You'd be happier separated from this prick @mumtoboys12 .

I wish you every happiness but you're the one who's not been/being given enough respect. Calling you a c you next Tuesday who he is sick of paying for is absolutely revolting. However, you know him, on paper it doesn't sound like he is a good person but I hope he isn't as his actions have portrayed him. Take good care, I hope it works out for you x

@SLeanne You have no idea if that's all she's got to worry about and one person's pain doesn't invalidate another's. I have a son with a disability, he's our world and it's a liberty for you to use it as a way to be unkind to others. People don't have to be grateful for being hurt because you think you have it worse.

@mumtoboys12 he will rightly be shitting himself if he got a sniff of an idea that you may leave him, because you’d be far far better off and he wouldn’t. I’d be wary of the charm being turned on now and I’d keep an eye that he isn’t funnelling assets away in the meantime so that when you do decide to leave he has loads ringfenced for himself. In any case, I wish you the best but please be wary.

Your husband is a mingebag, you are a team.

This is heartbreaking to read.

Entirely depends on circumstance, but if you are one of the many higher earning spouses whose careers are enabled by the other spouse working less or for less (for more flexible arrangements) to look after children either now or in the past then I would think hard about the fairness and recognition of their true value in a financial arrangement that puts an equal financial burden on them with their lower incomes and leaves them with less or little after meeting those obligations.

OP, this is emotional and financial abuse. I've been there and wish I'd recognised it sooner.

This is absolutely unacceptable and you deserve to be treated much better than this.

This makes me so sad. My ex husband was like this. It’s called financial abuse.

Outrageous. All our money goes into one pot and there is absolutely no sense of who earns more (my husband by a significant margin!). I have children from a.prevoous marriage also and my lovely husband doesn't mKe a distinction there either. Your husband sounds horrible.

@mumtoboys12 I am so pleased to hear you have managed to sort things between you. I wish you all the very best of luck