Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

I just want to say I'm really sorry you're husband is being so horrid and unappreciative of you. You sound like a great mother and partner and I hope in the future you'll have a partner who deserves you.

Any man who tells you you're lucky to have him and anyone else would be thrilled to have him is living in narcissistic cloud cuckoo land, and needs giving his marching orders. He is abusing you, being vile to you and thinks supporting his wife and children is a burden on him. Get rid and find someome who values family life, children, being a spouse!

⬆️ Exactly this! Marriage is about sharing your life and that includes every aspect of it. He’s a dickhead!

What about him do you love? It's difficult to see anything loveable.

Have you known many other men?

That's what I meant too. We are in agreement.

We are the opposite. I earn double what my husband does. We share everything 50-50 and we use the extra money that I earn for more holidays, house renovations etc. To be honest, being on the other side of the fence I am often pissed off he doesn’t earn more. He doesn’t have a very low income (£3,800 a month) but still I would prefer if he was earning as much as do. I usually feel that if something goes wrong on my side jobwise, we are f..ed and I am always stressed about that!

Ha @karpouzi my DH earns nothing! Absolutely not what I anticipated when we got married.

Did it annoy me? OMG yes. He works in a very niche industry and was just not prepared to look for anything else. And then he developed a disability which meant looking for anything was harder.

It is very hard as the higher earner to accept the situation. We don't have kids so I can't even claim he is a SAHP - I don't think cat sitting counts 😹

However the working as a team thing is crucial. I couldn't do my job without his input. We both want to take care of each other.

So I have a lot of sympathy for the higher earner not wanting to share. But in a relationship you have to get over that and think of the common good.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. For the record he should be grateful for everything you do to provide a loving home for your family. It is my belief that in a marriage you are a team. You both work hard for the family unit. Some of that work is paid, like his ft job, and some of it is unpaid, like all the childcare and housework you do. Money should be pooled together for the good of the unit. Both of you should be trusted to spend money as needed, with discussions first for big purchases.
It sounds like he has a lot of resentments built up. Does he enjoy his work? Does he feel a slave to it when he would prefer to be spending more time with the children? What are his life goals? It sounds like you are not struggling financially so surely the extras you spend that money on are stuff you all benefit from, holidays, entertainment etc and he shouldn’t need to feel like supporting you is curbing his lifestyle in any way.
If I was in your situation I think I would sit him down at a time when it is not pressured just the two of you and tell him how you are feeling and say that you are not prepared to move forward in the same way. So his choice, either counselling to help you work through these resentments and financial problems, or you will start to prepare for a separation. Please don’t stay in the same situation you are in. Do you have close family or friends you could lean on for support?

I'd argue that disability is different, as it is when someone takes time out to do the majority of childcare and housework.

If we decided for DH to become a SAHP or go part time with the view that it would benefit the family, I would of course support him financially.

If DH could no longer work due to illness or disability then again, of course I would support him financially.

But because he doesn't want to progress at the moment and is happy where he is? That's absolutely fine but I don't think that means he's automatically entitled to an equal amount after all bills etc are paid, if he wants that then he's capable of earning that himself.

He doesn't do more of the childcare
He doesn't do more around the house
I don't need his input to do my job

He isn't left with nothing or very little, just less than what I'm left with. I don't think that's unfair.

We have separate and joint finances. We've found that the fairest way is to do an equal % of our wages however we both work full time so household duties are equally split.

Looking at the figures you provided, your share of current bills (childcare and food, £1000) are 63% of your wage
Your husbands share (mortgage and bills, £2300) are 46% of his wage (assuming his take home is 5k)

This doesn't appear fair at all.

A fair split would be him paying in 2500 a month 50% of his wage
And you paying 800 a month 50% of your wage

to work it out you would need to add together all household costs and a bit extra then divide this until you were both putting in an equal % of your wage

Both my DH and I put 65% of our wage into our joint account and keep 35% for personal expenditure.

It sounds like your issues may be slightly bigger than financial though as your additional posts sound like your DH has a pretty shocking attitude and lack of respect for you and your relationship.

So sorry you are having such a tough time. In my first relationship all monies went into one pot but I never had any money even for a coffee as he dealt with bills and always said there was no money left. There was but I was being financially abused.
2nd relationship we worked out all bills including food and each paid into the kitty an equal share of our wages - I paid more as was earning more but it was the same %. That was a fair system and it meant that we both had our own money left to do with as we wanted.
So if you add up all bills including food and petrol then you pay 1/4 and he pays 3/4 as he earns 3x what you do. If either of your incomes change in the future, then the percentage of what each of you pay changes accordingly - so if your income increases and his doesn't then you increase the amount you pay.

My finance earns quadruple my wage, possibly slightly more than that, I work term time only and so I provide childcare during the school holidays etc.
but all our wages go into one pot. If he earns extra from private jobs, he adds that to the pot. We have a joint savings pot that is made up primarily of money he’s put in. My wage more or less just covers the childcare bill and a couple of other bits, but it’s never mattered because we both have access to all the money. Chores around the house are shared and he’s never ever questioned whether his money should stay as his money. We’re a team and that’s how it should be. In the earlier days before kids but when we lived together, we each had our own accounts and then each month he’d transfer me 90% of his wage as all the bills etc were set up from my account. He just kept enough to pay the few things that came out of his own account like his phone bill and a bit for petrol etc. as soon as we had kids he suggested the joint account and it’s worked brilliantly.

oh absolutely! I am not complaining about sharing at all! it’s more the stress that if, touch wood, something happens to me how will afford our mortgage etc. It’s more the stress that comes with being the high earner and shaping our life based on that rather than sharing. We do have kids and he has the flexibility with his job to do drop offs, pick ups etc. and comfortably paying 50% of the expenses.

Did you agree together that you working part time was the right choice?

I always think fairest way is a pro rata.

Each pay % based on what you earn as % of combined total.

So if person A earns twice what person B does, they pay twice as much. Both need to contribute to all expenses - no dad paying for mortgage and mum paying childcare.

I do think its really important that both partners agree if one wants to reduce their earnings by working part time.

There are now many higher earning female posters splitting bills in %, meaning they have more left over than their partners not one has been challenged on this being fair, while male partners with more left over are deemed abusive.

mumsnet does have a bias

he is taking advantage of you

Before we were married my husband and I paid into a joint account proportionate to our wages. Im never going to earn what he doesn’t simply because of our career choices. After having kids and got married everything went into one pot. Kids need feeding, childcare needs paying and kids need clothes and activities. We’re a family. My friend still splits things after having kids and I find it mad. Her husband earns a lot more and they don’t go on family holidays etc because she can’t afford it, because all her (lower) wage is going to to bills, despite him earning and saving money. Seems mad to me.

I’m presuming you earn less because either you work part time, have hours that work around kids or are limited to certain jobs or roles that work around kids, or your career progression stalled because of two maternity leaves and/or being off with kids, while your husband was able to progress and subsequently earn more. Assumptions I know but more often than not the way it works. And in this situation you are enabling him to work and earn that amount of money. Without your input into childcare he would have had to take a lower paying job or less hours.

My husband was actually the one that got me round tk this way of thinking when I had a stint as a SAHM when it didn’t make sense to put both in childcare as I’d actually lose money. I felt guilty and was reluctant to use money on myself and he was the one that told me he couldn’t work if I didn’t do what I did.

I think you need a big conversation and some major overhaul in thinking on both sides. You’re bringing more to the table than money.

Financially very similar to us. If you’re not in an expensive area that’s enough for a nice lifestyle. I work part time on a lower paid job and my husband works full time with a higher wage.

i cannot understand anyone saying he should get to keep 75% of the leftover income after bills. So a man and wife partnership could be living two very different lifestyles. He can afford more meals out? Better holidays etc? That’s ridiculous to me! What happens if one loses their job. Do they live on the poverty line while the other maintains their lavish lifestyle?

yes, if my husband left I couldn’t maintain this lifestyle on my income but honestly if I left my husband couldn’t sustain this lifestyle without me either. without me he’d need a nanny or childminder for several children, a cleaner, ironing lady, and so much more. I do thé shopping, thé cooking, organisé home repairs. We are a team and although I’m not as financially valuable as him in the partnership, I’d like to think I’m equally valuable in other ways.

we have a shared pot of money that everything comes out of. We’d consult each other for big purchases but I never feel like I’m spending his money. What about all your lost earnings from having his children!!

he’s either a total arse or he just hasn’t really thought it through properly and will see the error of his ways. Please please show him the responses to this thread!!

You’re bringing more to the table than money.

a lot more

How many of them have DH's who work part time and do more childcare and around the house though? That's the difference.

My DH works full time. He could earn more, he doesn't want to.

I'm massively late to the thread but your earnings are the same as mine (2 DC, PT) and my DH earns much more than me. He pays for everything. All bills, and if he is with me, he pays. I transfer him about 900 to contribute to the pot, pay £150 for our cleaner, and keep the rest of my salary for me / if im out with the kids. Monday _ Friday I am 'solo' as he works whatever hours he needs / travels etc as required. He couldn't have the family life he has if didn't facilitate it. He values everything I do and doesn't begrudge me money to spend on myself. He buys what he wants, within reason, as well. Your availability to 'fun' money should be equal.

If anybody is taking advantage it's him, he's a tight arse. He's basically not paying for his kids. He must have lots of spare cash, while you're left with nothing. That's not a partnership or a family.
This is why money should all be in one pot.

There are now many higher earning female posters splitting bills in %, meaning they have more left over than their partners not one has been challenged on this being fair, while male partners with more left over are deemed abusive.

My DH gets more left over by the % split. I am fine with this. He pulls his weight at home. He earns more than me because he's chosen to accept more responsibility and stress at work by progressing a rung higher, i decided not to, that was my choice and I'm ok with the amount i earn. We both work part time.

Oops sorrt we both work FULL time

Joint account. All money goes in and that is it. No his money and my money it is our money.