Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

On the other hand, I can also see the argument that if both partners are in the same career with same earning potential and doing 5050 at home, and one is busting their arse but other simply wants to coast, is it really fair if it's all 50-50?

Exactly. To be fair, I wouldn't describe my DH as coasting but we work for the same company and have the same earning potential, he's just happy where he's at right now and I have continued to progress. I earned that money, it's mine and thankfully DH doesn't believe he's entitled to it just because we're married.

It would be a completely different situation if DH's earning potential was lacking because we both made the decision for him to go part time to take more responsibility of the house and childcare.

You can't stop someone being abusive by giving them a good talking to.

OP, I hope you're able to get the courage to leave. I think you'd be a lot happier away from this awful, selfish man.

Wow this has turned into a big debate- I'm sorry everyone!
Thankyou all for being so kind and helpful. I'm balls deep in thoughts. Really down, confused and upset.

What a vile man
Time to get rid

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. But this is a very important issue and I'm sure you realize that.

Is there anyone IRL you can discuss this with? Someone who knows both of you and has a good picture of your marriage as a whole?

You need to consider a) marriage counselling and b) divorce. This has all the hallmarks of him using you as a cheap maid until the kids are old enough, then leaving you with nothing (he'll fight to tooth and nail to keep his money and assets). A good respectable husband doesn't call his wife moneygrabbing bitch.

You need to present him with a calculation of how much he'd need to pay if you weren't in the picture. Childcare/nannyin, housekeeping... He's not treating your family as a unit he's responsible for, but an external load he's burdened with. He absolutely needs to change his viewpoint because he made those kids and is now responsible of them.

Is he stressed at work and is there any chance you can pick up more paid work realistically? Maybe he just wants to see a fairer allocation of money coming in. But that means he needs to do more at home if you no longer have time for the chores.

He doesn't like you, does he?

He doesn't like his life.

My ex was the same. After a big pay rise, he suddenly resented everything he paid into our home, and wanted the single life.

Absolutely LTB. You and your children deserve so much more and your future self will thank you.

@Mikimoto 16k is literally more than what many fully qualified part-time staff lecturers in Russell Group universities earn.

My OH earns a lot more than me, I work part time but because I'm home earlier I do more (most/all) of the housework and obvs looking after little until OH gets home and then he shares bathtime bed time routine.

We worked out each of our earnings as a percentage of our combined income and based our payments into the joint account on those percentages. That covers everything in our household budget which then comes out of the joint account so whatever we have left after that is our own. Naturally because OH earns more, he likes to pay for treats when we go out for a meal or date night because he wants to, it'not expected, but also I think we both know its kind of fair because my earning capacity is more limited because I contribute in other ways to the household.

It works for us, but I guess it has to be agreeable for everyone involved doesn't it.

So you get to keep 37.5 % of your income and he gets to keep 31.25% of his income.
On those terms he is paying quite a bit more. And keeping less. Even by others who have replied on this post.

Red flags if he’s refusing a joint account and you’re married with kids!
I earn more than my husband (around 40% more). We have 2 joint accounts; one for regular payments such as mortgage, bills, subscriptions, childcare and one for family expenses like food, petrol, kids clothes, gifts, meals out, takeaways, days out, home essentials etc.
We each have our own personal accounts too but only keep back a small equal allowance for our own personal expenses like clothes, haircuts, phone bills etc.
We split childcare, cooking, household chores so that’s equal.
Lately money has been tight due to the increase in cost of almost everything! It’s the first time in years I’d say we’re counting pennies from month to month and we haven’t been able to save. I’m not in a position where it would be sensible to or want to change jobs and as I am already the highest earner I have suggested to my husband that he starts to look for higher paid opportunities so we have more income. He doesn’t begrudge that and thinks that’s fair.
How to you both manage other joint expenses? Could you look at opportunities for a higher paid job to make it more your income more equal? Does he contribute equally to other things in the marriage like housework/childcare?

It isn't about percentages of income though. It's about being a team and each having the same amount left over at the end of the month. Thinking of it in percentage terms is frankly bizarre because each of them should be thinking of 100% of their income as being equally shared by the other.

I am the husband in similar situation, but not married.

We don’t pool all money so that we don’t have to justify spending habits, personal purchases etc but split fairly so both put enough to cover bills, food shopping, emergency fund etc. I put 70% to her 30% as I earn more, and then tend to pay for most meals out, trips etc..

Works well enough for us at the moment but may pool completely further down the line

THIS! if you are going to get so pedantic then start not washing a single sock or plate from OH! Maybe he earns more, maybe she does more house work, that’s being a team! I’ve had a really tough few months and got really burnt out, dh took a week off and ran my business for me and the house so I could recoup, normally he is the big earner and I do most of the home life, that’s marriage!

I’m so sorry you’re in this position - it sounds absolutely awful.

Please don’t buy into the idea that divorce automatically ruins children’s lives. It’s the way parents parent them through it that determines whether they’re ok or not. I’m divorced and my kids are better adjusted and happier than they’ve ever been.

Frankly, it sounds like you’d be doing the kids a favour getting them away from your husband - even if you can’t bring yourself to consider leaving for your own sake, I think you need to ask what kind of home environment this is creating for them and whether this is the kind of relationship you want to model - because they’ll take this into their own relationships in future.

Good luck, OP.

I haven't read the whole of this thread, but the alarm bells ringing from the bottom are now screaming out as though the whole neighbourhood is on fire. He is an absolutely classic abuser, both in the financial sense but also the emotional sense. He's trying to play the most sickeningly and, alas, classically manipulative mind games to convince you there isn't a problem. Frankly, you're living with a bully.

Please make plans to leave this piece of garbage asap. Your children deserve better than to see this sort of treatment of women normalised.

What is he wanting to spend “his money” on?

I don’t work at all and spend all my ‘husband’s money’. I home educate our daughter, I’m not just lazy 🤣 my husband pays for everything. Except we don’t see it like that, it’s the family money. Your husband is being an arse at best and financially abusive at worst. Show him this thread.

We both put everything we earn in to our joint account then once we have worked out all bills, food, childcare and personal commitments, we divide the remainder 50:50 and have that put back in to our own accounts for personal use.

We earn the same pretty much but when I was on shitty statutory mat pay we did the same then.

We've always just done a joint pot. DH earns double my salary but I'm term time so have all the school holidays off to cover childcare. He wouldn't ever use the "I earn more so I have more" card. He says all the time that if I were to go back full time we'd have constant questions about where DS was going in the next holiday etc along with never having time off together as we'd be sharing the school holidays to cover what we could.

It doesn't have to be that way, loads of people split the bills rather than having joint. Bit it does need to be split fairly.

Would he sit down with you to work out the total of everything going out, and then deem that a fair split of it to each of you based on your earnings.

He doesn't sound like the best husband to be fair, and doesn't sound like a great example for your children to grow up seeing and wanting to e like - but that's for you to decide.

The key point here being that many women take a career hit to have babies and nurture them. If you hadn’t had kids, you would likely have moved up salary brackets yourself. Was he on board with having kids? Was he willing to take parental leave whilst you worked? If he wasn’t prepared to take the parental leave instead of you then sorry but 50:50 is only fair. You have sacrificed more than he has had to, so he in turn should share his income that he’s been privileged enough to build on. You haven’t had that privilege.

You’re paying more than a fair amount. My husband pays all bills and I pay anything linked to children (clubs, clothes etc) and childcare. Again he earns 3x more.
he hates it but he chooses flashy cars and I don’t. I still have a phone bill, car and I pay most of the holidays and Christmas and birthdays. I end up with barely any money or minus money. I do give him £325 per month now we no longer pay childcare.

He wants me to pay £60% of my wage as he’s worked out that he pays 60% of his wage on bills and that would be fair. I said that 40% of his money spare would be way more than my 40% spare. He said ‘but I earn more so I should have more’ - when I’m part time and do all the chores and kids’ stuff so that’s not fair either.

he refuses to share money out after all bills are paid which I think is the only way and he point blank refuses this. We’re at an impasse and it causes countless arguments after 19 years of relationship and 10 years of marriage.

That’s unfair that he takes 75% out the personal fund just because he earns more. My husband wanted to do something similar and I was more angry than I’d ever been in my life - I do more, he earns more but I worked bloody hard and would have to sacrifice so much in our family to earn the same. It’s not my fault that employee life supports men more - I could earn more than him had I not had kids and progressed in my career so I said we split 50/50. He refused but I we’re supposed to be a team and work together.

100% this!

But a married couple's income is joint - feminists were unwise to insist on separate taxation for it led to this sort of attitude, that my money is mine and it's a favour to pay for your stuff, whilst not giving any allowances for dependents - so salaries/wages should ALL go into a joint account. This is the only way equality in the marriage works. Neither partner is working for their own income, they are working for the joint income of the family. My attitude - and one shared by both DHs - is not only that both incomes are jointly owned, but that if there is only one income (e.g. I was a SAHM for many years) that income is also joint, because the work put in by the person staying at home is equal in value to that of the person going out to work.