Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

Disagree with anyone's income being 'theirs'. Both incomes belong to both spouses, so ALL of both go into a joint account from which both may draw, and which pays all household expenses.

@Grammarnut This is what I’m saying. So all income in one pot then whatever’s left over both parties get half of what’s left. Not split in some odd ratio.

WTAF! When you get married you're agreeing to share a life and that includes money, children, a house etc. If you were unemployed, sending the kids to nursery and lying on the couch doing nothing all day then I would get the annoyance. But working and being a parent? What does he want you to do?! I would be incensed. Sounds like he's on a power trip.

I earn the same as you and my husband earns more than twice that and he would NEVER lord it up over me. For one thing he understands economics and that wages are based on the patriarchy, economics and people in power having the largest say.

See a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and kick him out. Is he faithful to you? This type of narcissistic attitude tells me he probably isn’t. Regardless, this relationship is not healthy and will wear you down. People with this type of attitude don’t change.

It is far worse for your children to see their mother stay and suffer than for their parents to separate.

Or who…

You’ve definitely got far bigger problems than the financial split if he thinks it’s ok to talk to you like this. But if you want to stay with him then a new agreement about money is needed.

Theres 2 ways of doing it- everything in 1 pot. If you’re doing the majority of childcare & housework then you’re working for free to enable him to earn a good wage. It is fair that these earnings are pooled with you.
Alternatively, like others have said you add up all expenditure including food & childcare and it’s split 75/25. If he earns more than you he may still have more left than you.

It’s definitely not fair that you’re the one buying all the Xmas gifts and feeling the pinch from that now.

My husband and 1 earn similar but still keep separate money as he likes to see savings in the bank and I prefer to see Zara clothes in my wardrobe. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with separate as long as EVERYTHING is split fairly first. We have a separate current account for the kids stuff where the child benefit goes in and we each pay in an equal amount per month. That card is then used for their clothes throughout the year, birthdays & Xmas presents, parties, etc. We also use it to book family days outs when there’s enough in. If we didn’t do this I would be the one paying for all that as I plan everything, shop for everything, etc.

I would recommend writing a list of all expenses, including the family expense. Show your husband how it works now and how it would work if everything was split 75/25.

good luck!

I think you can try one last chance to rectify. All bills, food shopping etc. to come out of the joint account. You each pay in proportionally to cover that. Probably something like 70/30, 65/35. Then you have leftover money for yourselves. If he won't agree to this then I think divorce is your only option.

Maybe the reason it has caused so many arguments is because it is a overcomplicated way of looking at the finances.
Lots of posters on here myself included just have a joint account for both wages and all household expenses come out of it- no need for a complicated set up of who pays for what. Why does he refuse to do this ? If it is about him wanting a flashy car then he could always have a separate account for the finance on this that comes out of his wage so then you are not contributing to something that he wants for himself out of your wage - similarly if you have a hobby or luxury that you want, you could open a separate account to pay for it out of your wages.
Why do you separate the children's expenses?
I am assuming that he is their father and they are not from a previous relationship- Why does he see it as your responsibility? Or is this something you have naturally taken on yourself because it is you that does the household admin so it easier for you to pay out of your account rather than asking him ? One less argument so to speak !
If you had a joint account then you would simply pay from this account and honestly unless he is the type of person who forensically looks through the bank statements then he probably wouldn't even pay much attention to the amount kids hobbies and clubs cost - if it was coming out of a joint income each month.
You notice it more because you are paying out of your wage alone.
This is less about finances and percentages and more about equality and his respect for you as equal partner in life.

You have a joint account and you put all income from all sources in that account.

from that joint account everything is paid out- mortgage bills childcare food.

after all the monthly essentials you see what’s left. From that amount you put an allocated amount in a joint savings account for annual expenses such as cars, Christmas, insurance.

After the annual expenses you put money into joint family savings and kids savings. You might also want to invest in an isa or put money into premium bonds.

After the savings you allocate an equal amount of « fun » money to each adult to spend on whatever you like- nights out, hobbies etc. and pay the kids activités like brownies, sports etc.

Youre married- you’re one financial unit.

Just a thought but could he be spending his money on something he doesn’t want you to know about? Hence not wanting a shared account and his very odd behaviour towards his wife

Opposite scenario - I earn more than DH. I put 3/4 of money in the bills account, he puts 1/4 in but he does most of the food shopping on his day off on a Friday. We both get childcare vouchers deducted from salary which covers all our childcare so childcare costs are effectively split equally. It is what it is and no one feels they are taken advantage of for earning more! Ultimately our lofestyle is based on what we earn as a couple!

Do you have more left over for yourself than your husband?

My DH and I have always worked it from a point of having the same amount of disposable income each. We work out our expenses (bills, food, fuel, family outings, savings, yearly expenses etc) and put enough in from each of our personal accounts to cover this. We hold back a few hundred (equal amount) in our individual accounts for our own discretionary spending. There have been times I have earned more, times I have earned less, and periods of maternity leave. We have always done it this way regardless. Recently I had the opportunity to do quite a lot of overtime. It all went on a lovely family holiday. I think equality is so important in a marriage. And by that I don’t mean paying in the exact same percentages of income but that each family member’s contribution is valued and rewarded. How can anyone (male or female) live with themselves knowing they are enjoying a better lifestyle than their partner in life or their kids.

Absolute garbage. OP would be far better off as a single parent because she won't be living with an abuser who clearly makes her feel like shit.

Wow! Beyond me! If you are married and have children together, you are a team and all income from both parties should be pooled in one account! That is the only way to avoid resentment and feelings of unfairness. Don’t forget, your husband most likely earns 3x what you do because he has been able to focus fully on his career while you have the mental load of bringing up the children (while trying to work a job!) and having taken time out for maternity leave. My husband and I are in the same situation and he fully acknowledges that I have put my career on hold/ not advanced as much as I could have if I didn’t take my foot off the career pedal to focus on the kids and give them the attention they needed - which both of us agreed early on in our marriage was important to us both! I now consult in school hours and earn a decent amount but he will always earn more than me at this point but it’s always seen as our collective money. Without me taking that pause for the kids, he would not have been able to succeed so much in his career. You are doing the same and never forget that!

Sorry to read this. What a shitbag to treat you like this. And he still feels hard done by! Don't let your boys grow up seeing/hearing this.

Get legal advice. It's expensive, but it will save you in the long term. There are so many questions to ask... about your future/pensions/ but he's obviously not a reasonable man. A solicitor will be able to discuss the bigger picture with you. Give you some choices based on your situation.

Has anyone asked..is he self employed? Cms are useless at getting maintenance from self employed dad's. If he's salaried it's a more reliable process (though not guaranteed). Something to consider.

We have our own accounts and a joint account that all of our bills/food/childcare come out of (work out what it all comes to each month + a little extra so we always have a spare pot as he’s self employed). He earns double so pays double what I do into the account, whatever’s left is ours to do as we please. Keeps it fair and avoids the ‘you spent this much’ arguments I had to listen to growing up. He also pays for majority of the house upgrades tbf but I’ve been on maternity for 2 out of the last 4 years so my savings have been for myself…he’s never complained about it

Do you have more left over for yourself than your partner does?

No he has probably more than double what I do left over, but has more personal outgoings (tools/insurances/work van etc)

He is completely taking you for granted and ignoring your contribution to the family. I would tell him that you are uncomfortable about this and ask him if he has any ideas about how he can help with the situation.

I’m so sorry for your situation. Your dh is financially abusing you and always has. The law around controlling relationships has changed to include this, maybe (and this is me being v v generous) he is not aware. I would try to discuss this and press again for him to take financial responsibility for your joint children at the v least. If he won’t change. Then you have to, or get on with things as they are. Joint financial access to everything is not mandatory in a marriage. Equally respect for your life partner, mother of your children, bloody well should be mandatory.

Since having children, I have earned less than a third of my husbands wage. But, since we were married (and he’s always earned more), we have pooled the money into one pot - it’s never been I pay for this or that, WE pay. That’s the partnership. It’s a bit different now the mortgage is paid but the bills still come out of a joint account, savings are some joint and some single but essentially in a crisis all of the money would count. He’s subjecting you to financial abuse OP and it is NOT ok.

He's abusive (certainly financial abuse is a recognised issue) controlling and gas-lighting you. You are married it is all family money, my DH earns significantly more than I do, it's all been shared money from day one. It's no way to live and as hard as it is I would seriously consider your future with him. You don't behave this way to people that you love, so sorry but he sounds like a deeply unpleasant person, and I don't think I would want my children growing up thinking this is normal way to behave in a marriage.

You don't need to be sorry at all - he ought to be - this is not love he is abusive. So sorry you are going through this, I think I'd be packing his bags!

This is absolutely shocking. The way he speaks to you is enough for me to tell you to start thinking about separation because that is appalling and shows his true colours and attitudes to you and women in general.

Also… he wanted a large family, for you to be the main caregiver, look after the home, be part time so you can save on childcare BUT he wants you to be bringing in an equal salary? He needs to get his head out of the clouds.
Also, the childcare enables you BOTH to work, so I’m not sure if this is the case, but if you are the only one paying for it… that needs to change. Should be 50/50!

Please keep yourself safe because many aspects of what you’ve mentioned definitely sound like financial and emotional abuse :(