Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

Since we got married and had a baby, everything goes into one joint account. I'm on my final 3 months of maternity which is unpaid, so he is paying for everything. If he was the type of man to sit on his money whilst watching his wife and child go without, then honestly I just wouldn't have married him in the first place

I don’t understand why he gets more spending money - even if he brings more income. Is your total contribution worth less than his?

We have our salaries come into our own accounts but then have a joint account for bills. We each pay into our joint account every month, but leaving an agreed amount in our own accounts for our own spending. I wonder if he'd be happy with this rather than just having all of his money and yours going directly to a joint account (which I'd hate).

Absolutely this. Your H sounds vile. And I say that as the higher earner in our family.

Another option would be to show him this thread - might make him cross but hopefully will make him see how irrational he is and how most people actually are fair with money.

I also agree that leaving someone like that would be my plan, especially after reading OPs circumstances. Her husband sounds like he is very controlling or his money is going elsewhere and doesn’t want her to know.

Britpop123 I take it from your comments you earn more money in your relationship and therefore think you are entitled to more disposable income? What if the person earning less is only earning less because they are facilitating the higher earner, maintaining the house, looking after kids etc? Presumably the higher earner would not have that earning power otherwise??

This! We don’t earn loads but my DP will do anything in his power to provide for us, especially whilst I’m growing/raising his children!

I think an abused/wronged wife should NEVER show their partner/husband a thread. Firstly, because the thread (and indeed, MN) needs to be her 'safe place' to vent or seek advice. I wouldn't want to give an abuser a window into my thoughts or ideas, would you? Secondly, where it might work if it's an issue like 'DH needs to do bath time' or 'DH always eats my yoghurt' or something else simple or innocuous, when you're dealing with an abuser of any kind or a narc they only see what they want to see. They'll cherry pick the responses that agree with their point of view and dismiss the rest of them as 'bitches, feminazis, and gold diggers'.

OP showing her abusive DH this thread will only make things worse.

Nope. Each earn the same

I didn’t even think about this, yes agreed she definitely should keep MN as a support. It’s just so frustrating that he thinks he is such a catch when he is financially and verbally abusing.

You should pay proportionally of salary.

Is he a bit tight fisted?

Presumably the higher earner would not have that earning power otherwise??

Eh no, this is always trotted out on SAHM threads, that a high earning husband would not be able to earn his salary if he didn't have a SAHM at home facilitating all that. Is it more convenient if you never have to think about your children's activities and if your shirts are ironed? For sure. But it's not a mandatory requirement and if you really have unpredictable hours, a live-in housekeeper will do.
Of course if partners have agreed that one partner will only work very part time around the kids, then it's not fair if only that partner's living standard drops and the other one will keep their cash.
On the other hand, I can also see the argument that if both partners are in the same career with same earning potential and doing 5050 at home, and one is busting their arse but other simply wants to coast, is it really fair if it's all 50-50?

What about if Husband earns and pays for everything and woman is a stay at home mother/wife with one child (but literally does everything!) ?? Fair or not??

Yes totally fair. SAHM is basically working for free. Childcare, cleaner, private chef would cost husband a lot more.

So if the boot were on the other foot and you earned more than he does, would you tell him that HE was taking advantage?
Also, who gave birth?
Who takes most of the responsibility for childcare, parenting and domestic chores?
So many factors to consider here.
Darling Husband doesn’t sound much of a Darling to me!

Well said - I thought a couple are a team.

I actually think it is unfair regardless of gender. A true partnership is one where all contributions are valued, and each partner has equal leisure time and disposable income.

👏I thought I was the only one who read it this way.

Possibly? If op went and earned more doing full time then they could each pay half of everything and the half would be lower for the husband…
neither of us are him or know him though so I don’t know what he would and wouldn’t do.

I have a child I wrangle and do housework ( but have a cleaner) and cook ( but order takeout when shattered) and I earn and pay for myself .. if my dh suggested he goes part time and takes half my income I know what I’d say…

going back to the original point, he pays 71 pct of their joint bills, if you REALLY wanted to nickel and dime and split hairs then based on his 3x income he should pay 75 pct. So actually we aren’t far off from an exact proportional split. So I don’t get why people say Op is being financially abused.. verbal abuse yes and he’s a di k for that but the financial split seems ok!

And would the husband step up and do half the housework, childcare and sick days of children/drs appointments?

@Britpop123 I don't think I am abusive. We both work full time - he doesn't earn less because he has taken a back seat to my career. I do the lions share of childcare and housework.

The discrepancies isn't as big as in the OP - it's a 60/40% split. But I have never, and would never, have a joint bank account. Maybe there are additional things at play in my relationship but a lot of my friends split their household bills in the same way. In fact, I'd say it's more unusual to see everything put in 'one pot'.

I haven't read all the posts but agree it does not sound much like a partnership IMO.

Out of interest if the OP and her DH put in different amounts into their pension based on their earnings, surely when retirement comes it gets split anyway? Maybe not in this case?

Dh earns half my salay. He does his share of childcare, but not twice as much as me. He still has equal access to our money. But he works hard, just in a career that doesn't pay as much. If he decided to go part time because he wants to relax and play video games, I might reconsider the set-up.

Don't agree with this at all, the vast majority of people deal with, on a professional basis have joint accounts.

OP- husband perspective here,

I earn about 5 times what Mrs P does (out of choice- she's far cleverer than i am, but much less driven).

All our money sits either in the joint account, joint savings or the monthly direct debit account, bar a couple hundred quid a month spending each. Anything more than £300 we tend to discuss beforehand, but she could spend much more and I wouldn't think to question it. If we ever split up shed get half and be very welcome to it- there isn't a chance that I could raise our children as well as she has, and going full time would just result in no extra cash, and our kids being raised by strangers.

Frankly though it doesn't matter what we, or anyone else on this thread does, because what you are doing isn't working for you: successful marriages need to work, more or less to the happiness of both partners and this clearly isn't working for either of you. From your description he sounds like a twat (but YOU have to decide how much of that is him responding to him feeling ng he's not Getty ng anything out of the marriage, or whether he's always been a twat and youve been wearing rose tinted specs....). As someone else said, you haven't got many choices, you either put up with it, in which case you will always be walked all over, try and work together to resolve your concerns or leave.

Your kids will, in the long term be much happier with happy parents who are separated than living in a potentially abusive relationship.