To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

[Bbwinter]

Just that really. 2024 marks the 6th year that DH and I have been TTC. It’s also the year I turn 35 which I know further reduces our chances. We have unexplained infertility and have had a failed round of IVF also. Not sure we have the funds or emotional strength to try again. Each year is increasingly painful as more and more friends around us have pregnancy announcements and their own little families by now, and I have to stifle my own emotions and just be happy for them.

The thought of having a future without children feels so scary and to be honest quite empty and pointless. It’s on my mind every day. Does the feeling go away? Is there any hope of a happy and fulfilled future without children when it’s something you’ve wanted so badly? Any tips or advice from those who’ve been there would be so appreciated right now.

It will get better I promise you. I never had children despite several goes of IVF. Yes Iwe t through some dark times but life goes on and time heals. I really love my life now with its freedom. Society brainwashes women into thinking they can’t possibly be happy and fulfilled if we don’t have children but it is not true. Start actively planning for a different future than the one you’ve envisaged, doing things you wouldn’t have been able to do with children. Maybe plan for early retirement and travel - I have done both.

Also meant to add do come over to the MNers Without Children forum, you’ll likely get lots more help and advice there than here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

Thank you so much @KimberleyClark, I will take a look. I’m new to MN so didn’t know that area existed!

I am like you too just mine is kinda more painful, 5 miscarriages, 1 dead child 12 hours after birth
Dont know what else to do
We cant afford IVF and i feel empty
This is my 6th year as well and i will be 32 this year
God help us

I suggest going onto the Fertility Network on Healthunlocked (the one NHS directs you to). Loads of people in your shoes with loads of advice and experience-it’s a wonderful supportive forum.

I’m sure you have heard this but your first round of IVF is basically a tester. We were successful on our second round at 41yo so you definitely have time 😊 There’s a book I see recommended a lot called ‘Living the Life Unexpected’ (I forget the author) that has helped loads of childless couples move forward with a child free life. My main advice to you is if you decide to give up on IVF/adoption etc now (totally understandable), just make sure you have no regrets. If you think you’ll have a perpetual ‘what if’ stopping now then consider another crack of the whip.

Could you adopt ?

That's not blunt - it's cruel.

@Bbwinter I'm sorry you're in such pain. I'm not in your situation so don't have advice, but I hope the outlook becomes less difficult for you in time.

I don't think you are sorry to be blunt at all. That's just nasty.

I'm sorry op for the situation you're in. My friend was in a similar situation and had her child at 42 so you still have plenty of time.

That is a wonderful, encouraging post, Kimberley. There is no doubt in my mind that childless people can live a fulfilled life and are able to grasp opportunities not open to those with children, often helping others. In years gone by infertility was sad but accepted and those affected set about being involved with other things. Infertility does not have to mean eternal sorrow.

I wish the op every success and blessings in the future. Who knows what is around the corner? Don't waste your young life, you can make a difference.

I don't think it's cruel at all. Someone would surely need a total personality transplant to overcome this mindset. Amazing if people can share genuine stories to the contrary though.

Of course YANBU to feel this way. It’s a huge huge thing and will take time to move on from/change your way of thinking. I’m so sorry you e had a difficult journey with this.

Firstly, you are still young enough if you want to try for a second round of IVF (@KT8282 had some lovely and encouraging advice there). But I also understand it must be hugely emotionally and physically draining.

I think for me, if I hadn’t been able to have children I would have been devastated, but what I would have focused on would be travelling (which is what my life was all about before having children). I would have either found a job I could do whilst travelling, or one I could come back and do for say six months to make some money and then go travel for six months (as an example). I think focussing on things you can do because you don’t have children rather than the opposite may be the way forward.

I’m so so sorry. Why aren’t you eligible for nhs ivf btw?

I have been coming to terms with a childless future for a while now. Over the years I have had 2 miscarriages and 3 failed IVF rounds (including many many tests and treatments like immunes and genetic testing etc). I am now 42 and pretty much at the end of the line. We have 1 more frozen embryo left. We will be giving that a final go in a few months. Once that is done we are drawing a line under it and planning our future without children.
I do find I have come to terms with it more in the past 6 months. I was in so much pain thinking that I would never have a child from ages 30-41. Don't get me wrong I still get a stab of pain when someone else announces a pregnancy. And I feel sad for a few hours. But I definitely get over it much quicker these days. I will wish things had been different. But I am slowly coming to terms with it and finding some positives etc.
I think my main worry these days is that my husband will leave me to find someone who can have children. He obviously says this is ridiculous but I can't help have that worry. He could still have them at his age and even later. My time is up. And I just feel so guilty for that for him.

@CaptainPhillips do you say the same about child free by choice people who can’t see a future with children?

I am 53 and childless not through choice.

First of all, I would say that you are not out of time yet and whilst 35 feels like a key milestone, your fertility is not going to drop off a cliff the moment the clock chimes at midnight on your 35th birthday.

To your question though, does it get better, well yes definitely! To be honest, I was glad when I reached the point where it really became very unlikely / impossible, there was nothing to stress over then and I found peace and acceptance. I then focused on other aspects of life, my husband, early mortgage repayment, travel, living overseas, early retirement etc.

Erm, what?!
Childfree by choice people don't want kids at all.
Are you imagine a situation where someone is childfree by choice and has a child forced on them, and can't overcome the feeling that a future with that child in it is pointless?!
It's a hell of a stretch and not relevant.

I got so much abuse on another thread for saying this, but. There are many ways to make a family OP. You could adopt or foster, or look into shared lives (supporting older people or those with learning disabilities to live independently) a decision to go down this route would enrich so many lives and would be an amazing experience.

but I do also believe that you can have a fulfilled life without children in it. Career wise, travel, experiences etc. maybe you’re not quite ready to see the positives yet and that’s ok, but when you are ready, there are lots.

best of luck

All sorts of things happen to people in their lives that make them feel the future is empty and pointless. From bereavement to life changing illness to loss of relationships or lifestyle. The majority of people do find a way to build a life around the void that contains joy and satisfaction from other sources. There is no blue print for getting there as everyone's journey is different but human beings are complex creatures capable of finding fulfillment from many and varied things. Most people without children do not spend the rest of their days feeling their life is valueless and empty and there's no reason the OP should be the exception.

@CaptainPhillips not sure what it is about this post that’s attracting people like you to it.

what a thoughtless and cruel comment

I hope whatever is happening in your own life to turn you into this gets better soon

After three failed IVFs and being told it was highly unlikely to succeed we decided to adopt. Took another 5 years, so we were quite old. 15 years on we could not be happier. But that's not a path for everyone, I know that.

I'm not in your position OP, but I was once. I now have 2 children. Each pregnancy was conceived naturally while I was on holiday, so I think there's a lot to be said for relaxation and letting go. I never thought we'd be able to have children naturally.

Having said that, I think that having children is both the best and the worst thing that happens to you. It can at times be relentless. It's a huge, huge, crushing responsibility, as well as an expense and entire lifestyle change. Yes, it's wonderful as well, but please don't lose sight of the good things in your life at present and that not having children is not the worse that can happen.

Good luck

Seconding this. AIBU will inevitably just attract seven billionty parents telling you to adopt or just relax and go on holiday to "let it happen", whereas there are people on this board who've come out the other side of where you've been and can provide really good support.

💐

Sending you so much love. We’ve been trying for two years with three miscarriages and I’m older than you.

I tried to talk to friends with children about my feelings and it was impossible - I’ve never felt so distant from them even though I love them and they will hopefully always be in my life but it’s this one fundamental thing that’s tearing our lives in different directions and they’ll never understand it.