To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

[Bbwinter]

Just that really. 2024 marks the 6th year that DH and I have been TTC. It’s also the year I turn 35 which I know further reduces our chances. We have unexplained infertility and have had a failed round of IVF also. Not sure we have the funds or emotional strength to try again. Each year is increasingly painful as more and more friends around us have pregnancy announcements and their own little families by now, and I have to stifle my own emotions and just be happy for them.

The thought of having a future without children feels so scary and to be honest quite empty and pointless. It’s on my mind every day. Does the feeling go away? Is there any hope of a happy and fulfilled future without children when it’s something you’ve wanted so badly? Any tips or advice from those who’ve been there would be so appreciated right now.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP.

Time helps, as does focus on other parts of your life.

My best friend was unable to have children; she’s a wonderful and involved godmother, and she travels extensively, cut down on work once her mortgage was paid off (early) because she’s financially much better off than me with 3 kids, and lives an amazing and rich life.

Her life is full and rich; not with children but with so many other things. It took time for her to accept and embrace that her life wasn’t what she had planned.

Should IVF not work out, I promise life without children won’t be ‘empty and pointless.’

I've been. Where you are. I did ultimately have children but lived many yearof my life where you are now.

Honestly the hardest part is other people. Someone always wants to give you a positive story and it makes it much harder to develop acceptance.

We hit rock bottom, we both verged on a breakdown. We did find our way back. By the time we did the last ivf round I was at peace as I knew I had done everything I could. 3 rounds in was my lowest point as I'd fought so hard for so long. Making the decision to stop after 1 more in the end felt a relief.

Whatever you do, do it with no regrets and you can start to find peace.

Honestly I think if we had remained childless the only way I would have dealt with it is a complete change of life. We built our life for having children so I would have sold the house, changed jobs and pursued a completely different life for me not the one I built pre empting a family.

There’s always one 🤦🏻‍♀️

Some people find it helps to sell the home they had envisaged as a family home and get a new one somewhere they might not have considered had they had children.

@Cookiecrumblepie they're even more expensive though.

Our clinic the packages as you describe are £35-40k compared to our total IVF costs of £8k

Those with kids can be real dicks, often unintentionally to those without. OP I would avoid the worst offenders irl, limit your social media time and just stay away from people who are insensitive. The 30s are the ‘worst’ for endless pregnancy announcements. That side of things will definitely improve in your forties. Small comfort I know now, but it will be less ‘in your face’ as time passes.

Just to say I sympathise OP. I always raise this point on posts like this in case it helps someone but keto diets have been studied in cases of infertility, it is an antiinflammatory diet. Might be worth looking into alongside other approaches.

Hi OP, every sympathy. I'm not going to tell you what WILL happen, because there's no way of predicting the future.

However I was you at 37/38/39. Failed years of TTC, failed IUI, failed IVF. I just felt like one big failure. Sisters and SILs and friends getting pregnant and having babies. All the while, people telling me to "just adopt". My dad died. Then my marriage failed too so I felt I was totally on my own.

I needed time, I needed counselling, however slowly I just came to terms with it. I just did. I came to realise there really is more to life. I made more friends, I started new hobbies, I met someone new (who has children, albeit grown up ones). I have a great relationship with my sister's kids. It's not the same but it's still special. In your own mind, you just learn to reframe it. I'm 48 now and realise that actually I probably wasn't cut out for parenthood, particularly single parenthood, though in some ways the pain has never left me. You just learn to come to terms with it. I have found meaning in other things. Reproducing isn't everything. to you

@Pickledonionout not at the one I used, much cheaper. Depends on the package.

I agree with this. Childless women are seen as natural volunteers, the selfless ones who "give back". Fuck that - I'm not going to feel compelled to "give back" as I haven't taken anything. And the pressure to earn loads and travel too - the things that people with kids constantly tell us they are envious of - no. You don't have to feel you should be doing either of those things.

I'm not sure if this is useful, but one thing i found helped was having a really definite number of ivf goes you would do. My husband and I settled on 3, no more, as that was NICE guidelines. After that we were going to look at rebuilding our lives etc. As it really is emotionally draining and costly depending where you are. We also gave ourselves 6 months to a year between cycles to recover.
We were lucky- four cycles in total, babies born when i was 36 and 40.

I haven't been in your position so I am not going to pretend I understand.

But I am sending love and best wishes and hoping that life treats you kindly in the future, whether with children or without.

I don’t think the why don’t you adopt comments are bad. I’m 33 and infertile thanks to chemo. When the time is right me and my partner will be looking into adopting. If you want a child so desperately and you can’t conceive then I’m sorry but sometimes adoption is the only answer to consider . I can’t imagine a life without a child or children as to me it’s boring and not the life style I want.

So sorry you're going through this ❤

That's you.

The comments are bad because: (a) everyone literally knows adoption exists, it isn't a secret; and (b) it's very easy to be ineligible for adoption if you have a MH condition. I myself am. So it's an unhelpful suggestion - because it's not brand new information - that is capable of pouring salt in the wound.

And, also - (c) it's OK for an infertile person to not like the idea of adoption even if it is an option for them. Nobody queries whether fertile people considered adoption rather than having their biological kids, and if not, what their feelings were about it.

"What I've learned in the last 20 years of being childless....
Your life is not less valuable or less worthy compared to parents. You do not have to live a life of service or charity work to give something back...because why do you need to give something back anyway? I presume you are a fully functioning adult with a job and pay taxes. That is enough.
You don't have to have a high-flying job, go on exotic holidays, travel a lot, unless that is what you want to do. To just have an ordinary life is enough.
You don't need to be the neighbourhood babysitter or financially support your friends and relatives children. You don't owe them your time or your money because you don't have children.
It is ok to step away from"

thesurrealist thank you for saying this. I don't have children due largely to circumstances, and had been reading some posts thinking I'd double failed by also not travelling or having a high flying job. I do have a "normal" job and some hobbies.
"Just to have an ordinary life is enough".

We had good success going to Norway as it was then relatively cheap compared with the UK and had higher success rates. We were infertile from 28 to 31 and had dd1 at 32 after 2 mc. Ds1 came at 35 after more mc and with a terrible round than saw lots of eggs not fertilise and only 1 being 'ok'. He's more than OK obviously. Ds3 came when we thought our family was complete after one fricking shag near ovulation and a fair amount of alcohol. Not planned but welcomed. I will never know if previous pregnancies 'cleared' the infertility or the 'just relax!' Was annoyingly correct.

I don't think you're wrong to be depressed at 35 but there may be surprises. If there is not then its OK. Being child free has lots of advantages and it'll get easier with time. Focus on those positives rather than the negatives of no children.

There are also a lot more non ivf routes available now - if you are unexplained then this might help? Hertility etc?

Please - never - ever - EVER say this to a childless person.

Just Do. Not. Do. It.

oops

It’s really not helpful to suggest to infertile people that if they really wanted a child they’d adopt.

Does MH bar you?

OMFG will it ever end

Genuinely sorry didn;t know that.

Didn't know what?

You need to quote people when you're replying, otherwise the thread makes no sense.

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ as a childless person I shouldn’t have to explain why I haven’t ‘just’ adopted but I will in case it’s helpful

I didn’t just want ‘a’ child, I wanted DH child, a child that only the two of us could make together.

nothing but admiration for people who do adopt but it was never going to work for me