To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

[Bbwinter]

Just that really. 2024 marks the 6th year that DH and I have been TTC. It’s also the year I turn 35 which I know further reduces our chances. We have unexplained infertility and have had a failed round of IVF also. Not sure we have the funds or emotional strength to try again. Each year is increasingly painful as more and more friends around us have pregnancy announcements and their own little families by now, and I have to stifle my own emotions and just be happy for them.

The thought of having a future without children feels so scary and to be honest quite empty and pointless. It’s on my mind every day. Does the feeling go away? Is there any hope of a happy and fulfilled future without children when it’s something you’ve wanted so badly? Any tips or advice from those who’ve been there would be so appreciated right now.

Great post

Yes, if only we had boards specifically called things like "infertility" and "Mumsnetters without children" where these more sensitive topics could be discussed. Oh, wait...

Wow I don’t know how to make this any clearer. You have no empathy for someone who is struggling with infertility. That is the gist.

Not the OPs fault tbf, she said she didn’t know about those sections.

Would be nice if people could still show some compassion in any case?

Aww I really hope there is still time for you, 35 really is no age at all. Hope luck is on your side this year 🤞🏻

I do think you can have an amazing life without kids and I personally would have way more money, space in my house, could go more holidays etc, but ultimately when you want a baby you want a baby and it’s really no compensation for that if that is still what you want by 40, 50 etc. We never know what’s round the corner though and you still have 5 years before you’re even 40 so there is definitely still hope there. Good luck

Can’t speak for the infertility board but we get insensitive people wading in on the MNsetters without children board too (usually saying “well it’s in active, so…”)

Don’t get me wrong, we’re robust in telling them to sod off but let us not pretend that the existence of separate boards stops insensitive people from making insensitive comments.

What’d be nice is if they, you know, stopped doing it altogether!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies 💐

True, but AIBU is particularly savage most of the time. You don't have to look at it for long to realise that...

I'm adopted and think it can be a wonderful thing.

Thinking its inappropriate to say 'have you thought about adopting' when someone has poured their heart out about their fertility struggles isn't because they're anti adoption. It's because everyone knows adoption exists. It isn't new information being presented to a couple having fertility struggles, they aren't going to say 'ooh what's that? We didn't know that was an option' because they already know it is.

It's not an option everyone wants to explore and that's perfectly fair. Suggesting adoption to a grown adult going through fertility struggles, who will already know adoption exists, is pointless and insensitive.

Such a lovely post. Agree with everything you say.
We are enough as we are.

Awww OP. Another 35 yr old (nearly 36) TTC woman here with unexplained infertility. YANBU - it’s really hard especially at our age when friends are having babies all the time. I’m happy for my friends but it’s a constant reminder of our grief.
Fertility Network is good and they run weekly yoga classes to help relax and take you mind off things which I would recommend.
Also, have you heard of We Are Childfree? They have an Instagram account and share the stories of childfree folk who are childfree for lots of different reasons. Some of them never wanted children and are different to me but it has helped me to hear their stories and the lives they have shaped without children. Take care xx

The op said that she didn’t know those sections existed.

I totally understand how you feel, I went through years of ttc and fertility treatment. I had 7 cycles of IVF, and finally had my baby on the seventh cycle (after two miscarriages from two previous cycles) when I was 38. My 8th cycle at age 42 gave us our second child.

I had started looking into using donor embryos abroad if I hadn’t finally had success with my own. There are so many options for you even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. I feel for you as I still remember so well how utterly lost and desperate I felt when I was going through IVF and failing again and again. On average it takes 3 cycles of IVF to get pregnant, so one failed cycle does not mean you’re unlikely to succeed at a later time. You are still young (my consultant said age 40 was the significant drop off point for egg quality). One thing that helped me was finally getting my embryos genetically tested, so i knew i wasn’t implanting a non viable embryo. Both the embryos that tested genetically normal produced my two successful pregnancies.

My wife and I are in your position. But we are now 55. We have built a brilliant life. I've just retired which I could never have afforded to do if we had children.
We have nice holidays. Have a lovely home. We buy new cars every couple of years. All would have been unaffordable because neither of us earnt huge amounts of money.
We both walked away from the corporate world of bull shit, average pay, stress, demands to do more and more. I had to reapply for my job 8 times in 20 years. We set up a business that we loved and was very fulfilling
I am sad we didn't have kids, but have had so many experiences that we just wouldn't have if we were lucky 20 years ago.

I really feel for you OP. I am struggling with being childless by circumstance (and I am 36).

Whilst I can see myself filling my life with other meaningful activities, what I worry about most is not having a loving family around me when I am old. I am an only child too - so no other relatives.

I am going to focus on being the best person I can and hopefully making strong meaning friendships to build a sense of community and 'family'.

@Bbwinter Could you get some NHS IVF? If you've already had some fertility tests privately, you might get it faster.

I think the OP is long gone. However, just to add to this comment for anyone reading, NHS funding for IVF is variable by area and circumstance. When I went through IVF the first time starting 2020, there was zero NHS funding for IVF for anyone in my area, so we had to go private (this turned out to be a blessing as time was not on our side). I think recently it has been changed to one round in my area. Having had a previous round, the OP would not have been eligible for another unless her area funded at least 2 (and would then have only been eligible for 1 more as they subtract previous rounds regardless whether the first was private or NHS).

I don't know that much about it, KT, but have heard that some health authorities will offer up to three rounds of IVF for a woman under 40. There is of course a waiting list which could mean less for some and only one being NHS funded sounds predictable, especially as it is a non-essential treatment (in the sense that a life is not at stake). I'm glad you were able to go privately.

Criteria varies wildly by postcode but in my area you get maximum one round of IVF on NHS. You do not qualify for that one round if:

• You, or your partner already have a child
• You (or your partner, even if in a previous relationship) have had IVF via NHS or privately
• You are over 40
• Either of you smoke

• You don’t meet at least 2 of 3 of the following criteria
• AFC >4
• AMH > 3 pmol
• FSH < 10

In my case I was told (verbally) that they would waive the private IVF rule as the NHS list was so long post covid (53 weeks), but when it came to it, they declined NHS treatment because I’d gone private in the meantime.. so I’m now not eligible, as are many others in my area.

It's a real shame if some couples have prioritised saving for IVF and get penalised for that, whereas some people with the same income spent their money on something else and so are eligible for the 3x.

@Bbwinter Maybe it isn't a good idea to mention your previous attempt to the NHS, if it might lead to you losing a try. I think you could go on a specialised IVF/Fertility group either here, on Facebook, etc, and learn the rules in your area. I had to do similar for counselling because I lived on very little money as I'm not able to work, and from my ESA and PIP prioritised paying for some counselling. But the stuff with the NHS was also helpful.

I don't have children, I had two miscarriages and a partner with reduced fertility. But I'm completely happy with being child-free now. I have a lot of freedom and much less stress in my life than someone with kids, and have done for years. But I know that's just my personal experience of it. I have bipolar and stuff so it was probably better for me not to have that amount of many different kinds of worry.

One round seems mean as so many people don't succeed in round one but get there in round 2 or 3.

@Bbwinter This shows how many cycles are offered in each area https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/nhs-funded-ivf-in-england/nhs-funded-in-vitro-fertilisation-ivf-in-england I suppose if you were really keen, you could move to a different area maybe.

Definitely don't mention your previous attempt.

I'm shocked as I assumed it was still 3 in most areas unless one of you have a child.

@porridgeisbae agree. It’s very harsh and to be honest, I wish I hadn’t told the NHS we’d gone private. I don’t se how they’d have ever known were I not so upfront. Accept that’s deceitful, but feels so unfair that we’re penalised for spending on it, especially when the wait list was so, so long and everybody knows that with fertility, time is of the essence.
I try not to be frustrated (but often fail!) as I’m glad we gave it our best shot and tried as soon as possible. Just sucks that at that time in other postcodes the wait time was 4 weeks. In that case we would of course have used NHS for first round.
I’m glad you’ve found positives through freedom and lower stress. Hoping for the same x

You are not unreasonable for feeling depressed about the prospect of a childless future. You had envisaged a life for yourself that included having children. So you are absolutely not unreasonable to feel depressed about that potentially not happening.

I envisaged a very different life for myself than the one I have now (different circumstances to yours) and went through a spell of depression. Counselling helped. It's incredibly helpful to be able to unload everything in a completely non judgemental space.

I think it has to be acknowledged that everyone falls into one of two categories. Those who are child free and those who have a child/children. However not everyone is in each category for the same reason so, for example, hearing from people who are child free by choice might not be as helpful as hearing from people who desperately wanted children but never got there iyswim.

OP my heart goes out to you. If you want to continue trying to have a baby then the infertility and conception boards may be of help to you. If you don't want to continue with fertility treatments (either due to finances or the sheer toll they take on couples but particularly women) then maybe the child free boards can show you the happy and full life that is achievable without children.

My best friend couldn't conceive and as her husband had an adult son they weren't eligible for IVF and couldn't afford more than one round privately. That round very sadly failed. I watched her go through invasive testing and then IVF itself. Anyone willing to go through IVF desperately wants a child. She had a spell of deep depression after that failed round. But like a PP said living life without children isn't about living an extraordinary life it's about making a life that makes you happy. She retrained as a nurse, something she would have struggled to do with children due to shift work while on placement. Her and her husband moved to a smaller house in a more upmarket area (lots of glass and shiny surfaces, it's beautiful) and bought a lovely car that wouldn't have been at all suitable for car seats. She had a lot of counselling and is now very happy with her life.

There are pluses and minuses to having children and not having children.

I'm in the position where I have children so I can see the pluses in not having children probably a little more clearly than someone who desperately wants a child. I think I have an idea what the minuses are but I'm not going to pretend I know for sure. What I do know is that there are plenty of minuses to being a parent too and that I empathise with some days being harder than others when all you can see are the minuses.

You have freedom and the ability to be selfish. You don't need far flung exotic holidays or months of travelling, you can book a last minute package deal for a week in the sun and actually enjoy it. You can pursue interest and hobbies. Honestly you can find something you are really good at, I've never found what I'm good at and probably won't have time to do that for many years by which point I'll be too old and knackered to bother. You can retrain if you want to. You and DH can spend quality time together easily. You can have a lazy Sunday with unlimited Netflix and/or reading the papers/a good book. You can go to eat in nice places that don't have to have a children's menu. You can have sex freely in any room you fancy. Essentially you aren't beholden to anyone and can do whatever makes you happy. Concerts, music festivals, theatre, shopping, road trips. Whatever floats your boat.

There is a lot of joy to be had in this world and the trick is to find the joy in the life you have not the one you want but can't attain. I wish you and everyone else on this thread the absolute best and hope nothing I've said is insensitive or hurtful, it certainly wasn't meant to be.