To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

[Bbwinter]

Just that really. 2024 marks the 6th year that DH and I have been TTC. It’s also the year I turn 35 which I know further reduces our chances. We have unexplained infertility and have had a failed round of IVF also. Not sure we have the funds or emotional strength to try again. Each year is increasingly painful as more and more friends around us have pregnancy announcements and their own little families by now, and I have to stifle my own emotions and just be happy for them.

The thought of having a future without children feels so scary and to be honest quite empty and pointless. It’s on my mind every day. Does the feeling go away? Is there any hope of a happy and fulfilled future without children when it’s something you’ve wanted so badly? Any tips or advice from those who’ve been there would be so appreciated right now.

I’m an adoptee and hope to adopt once my birth children are older, but I just wanted to mention (because lots of posts suggesting adoption) that it’s very different. Firstly, you have to be accessed and get through panel (not everyone does). Secondly, adopted children tend to come with trauma, so parenting them can be very different. It’s not a simple or straightforward alternative to having a birth child. It can be absolutely fantastic and very very worth it, but it’s not bringing home a baby that you have already made choices for in pregnancy and you might struggle for some info. The adoption forum on here is lovely and the posters there would be able to give advice, so if you want to know more, OP, it’s very worth asking on there. I have a fab relationship with my parents and that, in part, must contribute to my hopes of adopting in the future - however, it’s always worth taking rose coloured specs right off with adoption and looking at it very clearly first.

I’m glad you’ve found positives through freedom and lower stress. Hoping for the same x

@HopefulElle I'm in my late 40s now but in my 30s I found it a comfort that I could go out and do stuff whenever on an evening when others would've not been able to go out as they didn't have a sitter etc, or would've had to arrange one.

Also, that I have more surplus income than if I had kids.

Is fostering/adoption not an option? Personally I don't think I could put myself through IVF- would feel so nervous every minute of pregnancy (esp if you've had losses) and I've worked with lots of kids in care and it's really sad 😔

We had unexplained fertility, following the book ‘it starts with the egg’ was the life changer for me- if you haven’t read it and put into practise all the lifestyle changes in it, it can only help. I’m certain it’s what worked for us, it was pretty much spot on 3 months until I had my first ever positive pregnancy test. Good luck. X

Absolutely this.

It’s horrendously painful and we had years of it, and years of failed IVF. They eventually realised I had stage 4 endometriosis- so no amount of fucking relaxing would have helped me!

Sending love to you OP. I have no doubt you can build a rich and full life without children, if that’s the path you take x

That is wonderful, Excited. Congratulations!

I had multiple miscarriages from 32 to 39. Our next step was IVF but after much discussion we really couldn’t put ourselves through another potential loss.
We booked a holiday for my 40th which combined DH’s sporting interests and the 6 wks before flying out I found out I was pregnant. I assumed the worst and GP sent me for a scan. A heart beat was found so had another scan 2 wks later and the pregnancy had progressed normally.
I did have complications throughout with my health but baby was always fine.
He will be 20 next month and after a gap year is flying the nest to Uni.
He is our miracle.
I spent years having fertility treatments constantly being told about these miracle babies, I never found them helpful but they do happen.
My closest friend at uni had an almost identical storyline although she cancelled her fancy holiday when she found out.

At 35 there is still time but maybe give yourself some time off. There is a lot to be said for taking the pressure off.
At 39 I spent time accepting that I wouldn’t have children, it was a big weight to lift off. I concentrated on losing a bit of weight, treatment for endometriosis had piled it on.
We made plans for the future but had to change it all again.

Hi OP just saw this thread and wondered how you were getting on x

I’m so sorry op, I was older than you when we conceived after 2 years of trying and an IVF appointment booked. The book it starts with the egg, I feel, was the key for us. If you haven’t read and followed it then you must. Good luck, I hope you find peace