To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

[Bbwinter]

Just that really. 2024 marks the 6th year that DH and I have been TTC. It’s also the year I turn 35 which I know further reduces our chances. We have unexplained infertility and have had a failed round of IVF also. Not sure we have the funds or emotional strength to try again. Each year is increasingly painful as more and more friends around us have pregnancy announcements and their own little families by now, and I have to stifle my own emotions and just be happy for them.

The thought of having a future without children feels so scary and to be honest quite empty and pointless. It’s on my mind every day. Does the feeling go away? Is there any hope of a happy and fulfilled future without children when it’s something you’ve wanted so badly? Any tips or advice from those who’ve been there would be so appreciated right now.

if cost is an issue, have you tried those insurance plans where you can have unlimited IVF and if you don’t get a baby you get some costs refunded? Not that having a bay is everything but just thought it worth mentioning

^This. My DM (who never had any trouble conceiving) constantly went on about how my DH and I could adopt. Others suggested it, too. As my DH put it, did they really think we didn’t know that adoption was an option we could consider?

In the end, we did adopt (we have 2 DDs now, aged 14 and 11), but not because well meaning family members had suggested it. Only when we knew it was what we wanted to do, and once we’d come to terms with the fact that I would never conceive a child naturally.

Been on both sides of the coin. Nothing happening, losses… Then a last minute surprise. Wasn’t anything special we’d done. Just random. I wouldn’t say that we’d come to terms, exactly, with being childless. But I had accepted it, after everything…

However, when other women say to me that my situation gives them hope. Yes. But, it’s different for everyone. I’d never say, oh it was fine in the end don’t give up! Sheer luck & absolute bad luck definitely come into play. I’m very aware of that fact.

I think @CaptainPhillips was a little blunt but I think she's right insofar as, and I mean this kindly, that maybe acceptance it might not happen is something to consider. I've cried buckets and for me that's what I'm trying to do. Build a life around grief and not make it your entire focus although it's very hard. And I also hate the adoption comments as I couldn't adopt for medical reasons.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I went through two rounds of IVF before we had any success and felt much the same as you where I just couldn't figure out the point of my life. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, just that you're not as alone as you feel, don't give up yet, and sending you my thoughts as I know how much it aches xxxx

And to flag infertility isn't always failed IVF, sometimes there will be no "surprises" so please don't say that

No. A surprise is one in a million. That’s my point.

But sometimes it doesn't help to hear those stories. Sorry but it doesn't. It doesn't help me that's for sure.

I'm so sorry. We had issues on both sides and decided against IVF. I watched my friend go through multiple rounds, each time it failed and she had MH problems along with the financial burden.

At around the 5 year mark we had a serious discussion about our future. I think we needed to draw a line under the situation and admit that it wasn't going to happen for us. As a couple we decided on what we wanted our future to look like and planned on early retirement etc. Day to day life did get better and easier but we definitely went through a grieving process for the future we had expected. Birth and pregnancy announcements along with stupid comments were still difficult but having a plan and things to focus on and look forward to were key for us.

Also infuriating are celebrity older mothers who have magic eggs. “It just happened!” No it didn’t - you’re 50 years old fgs. Or ones who “welcomed a baby” aka purchased one to order.

@Bbwinter so sorry you’re going through this, infertility really is an extraordinary kind of pain, that cannot be fully understood by anyone lucky enough not to go through it. I’m now in my 4th year of TTC, but had the devastating news last year that our chances of conception, even with IVF are ~5%. Things that have helped me; firstly, I have bawled. A lot. Cry when you need to. Talk. But only to those who you trust to help, my husband, sister and best friend in my case. I haven’t told many people as I can’t bear to listen to well intentioned but ultimately hurtful advice.

Secondly, I have decided when to draw the line. We are doing a 3 cycle IVF package (self funded, don’t qualify for NHS because I went private rather than wait on the 12 month wait list. Once you’ve done that, you’re not eligible). 3rd cycle is this month and if it doesn’t work, we’re not doing anymore. Partially for financial reasons, but primarily because the odds are so low and I’ve found the process exhausting and all consuming. I don’t want my life just to be a series of failed IVF cycles.

Finally, think of your plan b. We’ve been saving what would have been nursery fees each month, with a plan to travel in the likely event we can’t have children. It’s not the life I pictured, but I’m convinced there are many ways to live a happy and fulfilled life. For me, that means selling our large house and living a totally different life instead. I don’t want to live the same life but without children, if that makes sense. I want to make the most of the time and money we’ll have to enjoy our life in other ways.

I’m still gutted, but doing better than I was a year ago.

Wish you well OP, you’re not alone. X

And what sn assholr comment you're making to someone who has lost a child. How would you feel to lose a child?!! Some people on here are so nasty I swear and get kicks out if upsetting people!

coming from the same position as you op (only older). I spend a lot of time thinking about all this. Firstly, you definitely have time to keep trying if you want to. I've got about a 1% chance of ivf working (April this year, v low amh) so I'm trying to think my way beyond that disappointment.

When I think of a future without children I can empathise with your feelings. For my own part, it helps me to think that I could bury myself in (creative) work, and to fulfil my dreams of living in different countries, and (it's laughable I'm sure but) try out acting, as old and not hot as I am! I do also have a lovely partner, though it's yet too difficult to talk about what the future will be if we don't conceive.

I've come to feel like I'm in a painful stage of my life that will at some point end. While I've still got hope of having a child, I will be in pain. But once that hope is gone, then I'm trying to tell myself I will start to see things differently, and have a new kind of hope for my future, as yet unknowable. Sorry I'm sounding a bit twee.

I found reading Jennifer Anniston's telling of her own experience with infertility quite helpful.

Luck and love to you. If anything, it's nice discovering other people who are going through similar and offering/receiving kindness.

And what an asshole comment you're making to someone who has lost a child. How would you feel to lose a child?!! Some people on here are so nasty I swear and get kicks out if upsetting people!

Fair enough. Fair point.

@Bbwinter hello OP. I'm in a similar position to you, been TTCing since I was 31 and turning 35 this year. I've had 6 rounds of IVF and we've drawn a line under it. It's so hard imagining a future without children, especially when I desperately want it. But I've been focusing on things that I can do without children, and making a plan of what I'd like my future to look like without children. It has helped somewhat. I am here if you want to talk x PS. Ignore all those people who say 'just adopt' and 'go on holiday'.

@HopefulElle I know it wasn't for me, but just wanted to say reading your post put a wee tear in my eye. I'm here bc I'm in the same shared experience, and it was good to read about your plans. But v good luck to you for your final round.

@sisterdaughter I’m sorry it resonates for you. It’s an awful club to be a part of, but there’s a lot of lovely people in it. Best of luck with your cycle too, sounds like our circumstances are very similar (my AMH is also vvvv low). X

Thank you, this is such an important point. I'm infertile due to a lifesaving total hysterectomy surgery - I literally cannot have a 'surprise'.

Yes. Just adds to the general narrative of “anyone can have a baby if they really want it” and perhaps it’s true if you are a celebrity with infinite amounts of money, but most people are not in that situation.

I just want to send you hugs. I am lucky and had my kids but can understand your heartache.

If I could wave a magic wand, I would want everyone to have as many free ivf cycles as they and their doctors felt suitable, if that’s what they wanted.

IVF is needed when our bodies don’t do as they should. It’s an illness that needs treatment if people want to have their own baby. I wish more people could have more free attempts.

I don’t want to make facile comments as I have not been in this position. I wish you all the luck in the world. Whether that’s as a parent or as a content childfree person one day xxx

IVF is not a miracle cure. Sometimes it won’twork n9 matter how many attempts you have.

I know that. That’s why I mentioned if the doctors feel it’s suitable. I just hate that the nhs has to restrict who can access it. So that those who might benefit from it, are unable to, because of finances.

Of course there are other causes of infertility and ivf won’t be able to offer help there.

I'm now over 50 with no children and definitely now too old. My marriage broke up in my 30's partly due to him becoming abusive when we couldn't have kids and partly because we were incompatible. So trying throughout my 30's wasn't an option.
Everyone seems to have a story of a miracle baby. The truth is that if IVF fails, and the odds are that it will, then you will have to accept that you won't have kids. Sorry if that is blunt.

I think there comes a time when you know it is time to give up. That is the first step to accepting that you are going to remain childless.
You might want to do the three rounds of IVF just in case - but your age is now starting to be against you.
Everyone who has struggled to conceive has thought about adoption, so I'm not going to suggest it.

What I've learned in the last 20 years of being childless....
Your life is not less valuable or less worthy compared to parents. You do not have to live a life of service or charity work to give something back...because why do you need to give something back anyway? I presume you are a fully functioning adult with a job and pay taxes. That is enough.
You don't have to have a high-flying job, go on exotic holidays, travel a lot, unless that is what you want to do. To just have an ordinary life is enough.
You don't need to be the neighbourhood babysitter or financially support your friends and relatives children. You don't owe them your time or your money because you don't have children.
It is ok to step away from people who don't understand your situation, who get pregnant easily or who are parents of young children. They say to us that we don't understand their lives often enough, it is ok to say the same back to them and to withdraw if you want to. I found that as I got older my friendship group naturally changed to include more people with older children or no children. I fully recommend that you do this. It not only means you get to have a social life, but you are not constantly reminded of what you don't have and you are protected from the rudeness of some parents.
It is possible, indeed, highly likely that you will have a good life without children even if you can't see it now. Good luck.

OP, I’m another who’s on the other side of a frankly traumatic unsuccessful IVF experience and wanting to offer some solidarity. After my first MC my mantra became ‘hope for the best but prepare for the worst’, so I was starting to consider it may never work long before hitting that wall. Even then I was still in a really dark place when I ran out of embryos and knew I couldn’t afford another go.

That was over a year ago now, and although there are times I still really feel it, there are also times where I can easily see things I can do with my life that have meaning, that I couldn’t have done with kids. There are also things I’ve been able to do because of the experience I’ve been through, like supporting other women suffering MCs, which have been cathartic for me.

It is terribly unfair, and there’s not much anyone else can say or do to help, but you do find your own way through eventually. You are not alone.