To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

[Bbwinter]

Just that really. 2024 marks the 6th year that DH and I have been TTC. It’s also the year I turn 35 which I know further reduces our chances. We have unexplained infertility and have had a failed round of IVF also. Not sure we have the funds or emotional strength to try again. Each year is increasingly painful as more and more friends around us have pregnancy announcements and their own little families by now, and I have to stifle my own emotions and just be happy for them.

The thought of having a future without children feels so scary and to be honest quite empty and pointless. It’s on my mind every day. Does the feeling go away? Is there any hope of a happy and fulfilled future without children when it’s something you’ve wanted so badly? Any tips or advice from those who’ve been there would be so appreciated right now.

Lovely post @thesurrealist, full of kindness and good advice. So true that no one should feel under pressure to live some sort of extraordinary life if they're not a parent, as if they've got something to atone for. One of the best things about not having children is having more freedom in creating the sort of life that you want

It can do, yes. Children needing adoption have frequently suffered trauma and therefore require people with stable mental health to parent them. That doesn’t mean you have to not suffer from a MH condition but it must be well controlled and agencies are entitled to refuse anyone who they consider would not be able to provide for a child.

Same applies to physical health conditions, of which the list is endless.

This is another reason not to recommend or suggest adoption - the person you’re speaking to is likely to know more about it than you do (often having learned the hard way).

That’s your opinion. It’s the option available. If people don’t take it that’s on them. I get that some people only want their own natural child and that’s their right but some of us like me just want a family and don’t mind adopting.

Christ. No wonder OP hasn’t been back.

Really sorry that your thread has gone this way. There’s plenty of support to be had on the infertility or MNetters without children boards. And on the latter, I can guarantee that nobody will suggest adoption or tell you to just relax and change your mindset.

@thesurrealist great post, thank you for it. I needed to hear that.

I think it’s easier too, to be an adopted child when the parents have no other “Bio” children of their own.
( Adopted person!)

Adoption is definitely not just for people who cannot have their own bio children.
I know people with Bio and adopted children , and adoption is often far from
plain sailing for children and adoptive parents.

Adoption is something that people generally want to do in itself, rather than because they cannot have their own bio child/ren.

They specifically want to adopt.

I’ve been reading every single one of these responses and wanted to say a big thank you to those of you who responded with such kind messages, some of which have brought me to tears. It’s so comforting to be able to hear from people who truly understand, so thank you ❤️

The ‘why don’t you adopt‘ comments are hurtful for a number of reasons.
Firstly it assumes that the person you are talking to hasn’t thought about it.
Secondly it assumes that adopting is simple. That its something anyone can do like buying a new microwave.
But in my opinion, and most importantly, it makes it sound like adopting a child and having a biological child are interchangeable. They are not.

Adoption is something that people generally want to do in itself, rather than because they cannot have their own bio child/ren.
**
They specifically want to adopt.

such an important and mostly completely overlooked point @oakleaffy

I don't know if it's any use to you at all but if you're new to mumsnet the infertility boards here were a life saver for me when we were going through it, lots of support from those who really get it.

I am sorry you are in this position, and please ignore those who tell you to "just" adopt, relax or about their "happy little accident". I read "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day. She turned my life around. The sadness never really goes away but I can manage it better now.

I'm so pleased you managed to have a child after six years @Scottishmamma thanks to clearing your mind and relaxing. How does it work if you can't have children if - for example - one poster said, you've had a total hysterectomy? That would be pretty magical. I'm not trying to be a twat but comments like yours are in the same vein as "positive thinking cured cancer". It impacts mindset, but ultimately it's luck and do as much Headspace as you want, it won't regrow an organ.

@Mumsnet can you please move this to a more specific board so this poor lass doesn't have to deal with kick offs or cunts please, poor OP said she's new, aibu is for seasoned folks who are happy to run into battle over grammatical errors with no armour on. Spare the poor woman please!

Awww OP, I'm so sorry for you, definitely get chatting to others in similar positions so you'll get plenty of advice and have others share life experience.
The boards for adoption are full of really lovely posters as well who give great advice, if that is something you'd want to consider, only saying that because it's been mentioned loads on this thread already and if the idea does ever appeal, those posters are some of the GOATs!

Your life is not less valuable or less worthy compared to parents. You do not have to live a life of service or charity work to give something back...because why do you need to give something back anyway? I presume you are a fully functioning adult with a job and pay taxes. That is enough.
You don't have to have a high-flying job, go on exotic holidays, travel a lot, unless that is what you want to do. To just have an ordinary life is enough.
You don't need to be the neighbourhood babysitter or financially support your friends and relatives children. You don't owe them your time or your money because you don't have children.
It is ok to step away from people who don't understand your situation, who get pregnant easily or who are parents of young children. They say to us that we don't understand their lives often enough, it is ok to say the same back to them and to withdraw if you want to.
It is possible, indeed, highly likely that you will have a good life without children even if you can't see it now. Good luck.

Agree entirely. Great post

Then you can be understanding about someone who is desperate for children and therefore can’t imagine a future without them. Very valid feeling to have thanks.

Sorry, no idea what you mean.
In what way do you think someone childfree by choice is longing for something they can't have? And what exactly do you imagine that is?
I'm genuinely confused by the comparison and why you think it's relevant here. I'm wondering if you know what childfree by choice means?

You didn’t seem to understand that someone desperate for children can not see a future without children. You had no empathy for this situation. Yet you have empathy for the opposite situation. If you can understand how someone would not cope and could never imagine a life with children, then you should be able to understand how someone would not cope and never imagine a life without children.

I also could never imagine a future without. However I am still able to have empathy for my child free by choice friends, who could never imagine a future with.

I went the adoption route after unexplained infertility and failed IVF so I can't really help with how to live a child free life. But if I had not adopted, I know I would have paid for as many counselling sessions for as long as I wanted to have a safe place to vent.

Not to diminish what you are going through now but i am now 50 and now my hormones have changed, I'm not so bothered anymore by babies and pregnancy announcements. I am now more jealous of my child free friends and what they get up to.

Empathy for what? Opting out of having kids?
I think you need to read up on what it is to be childfree by choice - since you seem quite stuck on the subject but don't know what it is.

Hi @Bbwinter I'm so sorry that things haven’t turned out the way you planned. But it absolutely doesn’t have to mean that your life is empty and pointless as you describe. As you do feel this way, though, could counselling be an option for you to work your way through those feelings? It’s more than ok to grieve the life you thought you would have. Speaking to somebody about how you’re feeling could help you to eventually feel more positive and consider other options for your future. I wish you all the happiness x

So sorry OP ❤️ sending love.

I see all the trite tired clichés have been written on this thread already, likely by those with children who don't know what infertility is like.

I haven't been in your situation but I wish you all the best at finding happiness in life x

I had a failed IVF at 41,followed by successful ISCI, immediately after, OP. It is early to give up hope. On the other hand, I have a sister who married too late to have children, who basically, has a fab life, free to do what she and her DH want to do, that makes them happy. Very fulfilled lives. She is a very involved auntie, but pleased not to have the life long dramas of being a parent. We are worth much more than our ability to reproduce. Our hormones trick us into thinking we must reproduce - then menopause hits and you view things very differently.I wish you a fulfilling future, full of happiness.

It is horrendous OP. DH and I were ttc for 7 years, 4 rounds of IVF and a MC. I was utterly desperate for a child, no idea how I would have lived without them.
Long story short we went abroad and used donor eggs as mine were poor quality. I now have a 12 month old daughter and I would do it all over again for her.
1 cycle is nothing really, sorry to say, you need at least 3 before you start panicking. Go abroad to save money, 100% and look into some evidence based add ons. I had blood thinners, vaginal canesflor, antibiotics, the works.

Hang in there, it can get better.