To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

[Bbwinter]

Just that really. 2024 marks the 6th year that DH and I have been TTC. It’s also the year I turn 35 which I know further reduces our chances. We have unexplained infertility and have had a failed round of IVF also. Not sure we have the funds or emotional strength to try again. Each year is increasingly painful as more and more friends around us have pregnancy announcements and their own little families by now, and I have to stifle my own emotions and just be happy for them.

The thought of having a future without children feels so scary and to be honest quite empty and pointless. It’s on my mind every day. Does the feeling go away? Is there any hope of a happy and fulfilled future without children when it’s something you’ve wanted so badly? Any tips or advice from those who’ve been there would be so appreciated right now.

A friend mentioned this podcast had helped her get into a better headspace recently, might be worth a listen.

Please don't ever suggest this to someone who is desperate to have a baby. It's just cruel. I have gone home and cried many times from this comment. The OP will have considered this I'm sure and it's not for others to question if they have. It's a very touchy subject and is an entirely different form of becoming a parent. It's not a compromise for infertility and not should it be.

For the OP, are you saying my life is pointless or the rest of the 20% of people who can't or don't have children? It kills me that people would think my life (or their own) is pointless because they can't have children.

The “just adopt” and “relax and go on holiday” brigade have arrived already.

I would also support moving to the “without children” board. You’ll receive more sensible advice there.

I wish you all the luck - infertility is a desperate kind of pain x

Definitely look into the childless MN topic, people on AIBU are often willingly ignorant and willl come out with ‘give it time’ ‘relax’ ‘it will happen when you don’t try’ and the best one ‘could you adopt’

'The “just adopt” and “relax and go on holiday” brigade have arrived already.

I would also support moving to the “without children” board. You’ll receive more sensible advice there.'

Also highly recommend the 'without children' board. Allow yourself some space and time to grieve OP, don't force yourself to move through it more quickly than you are ready for. You sound so sad and hopeless, and that's totally understandable. It is torture when you hear about pregnancy announcements when you're longing for a baby of your own. I get it

There's a lot of pressure to 'be positive' and 'never give up' and all the rest of it but I do think that if you're just done with it all, then deciding to stop can be a very brave and very liberating choice

I really wish there was a way of preventing people who have not experienced infertility from responding on thread such as this, unless it is with good wishes.

This may sound harsh, but if you have not experienced it, you will never understand.

Some great posts here already OP. I would echo what people said about you still being fairly young! But I completely understand the horrible waiting / wondering what will happen while you still have time / can try - I’ve been there.

You will be ok either way. To the poster who said otherwise - please fuck off.

I’m childless OP & it’s absolutely is possible to have a happy life without children even though I wanted them. They’re are still moments of pain at unexpected times but generally my life is good & im happy

and fourtjing or fifthing by now to come to the MN without children board

Whats attracting 'people like me' is the fact that this has been posted in AIBU and is showing in 'Trending' posts!
HTH.

Hello!

We had 3 rounds of IVF and the 3rd one worked but ended at 14 weeks. We decided then to draw a line under it and move on.

That was 8 years ago now. There are times when it’s hard, especially at Christmas, but it can be good. You have an allow yourself to grieve for the children you won’t have and then move on.

Do come over to the MN without children forum. You will get comments from people who understand and know not to say ‘could you adopt or tell you some story about their hairdressers cousins sister who was told she’d never have children but got pregnant on holiday.

Why are you being so unnecessarily cruel to the OP?

You've been asked to stop posting on her thread, yet here you are.

Let me guess…you have kids?

Could you not at least wait a few pages, the tired old ‘can you adopt?’ is depressing as the sixth post.

I don’t have lots if wise words OP l, just that I am sending you a big bundle of empathy and love ❤️

I really wish there was a way of preventing people who have not experienced infertility from responding on thread such as this, unless it is with good wishes.

I wish that weren’t a thing that needed to hypothetically exist, but I agree.

Its like the people who post on threads about their terrible mums with “oh I love my mum/wish I still had her, can’t imagine why you’d want to go NC”.

Some people just have to have their say if they see a thread, they don’t care if it’s unhelpful or hurtful.

Where have I been asked not to post?

This is exactly me! I haven’t experienced infertility but I feel nothing but empathy for this lady and just want to show her some kindness. I don’t understand why people on this forum post such rotten cruel things to people who are clearly in pain. Like you say some people just have to have their say despite it maybe crushing another person ❤️

Oh give over and have a bit of compassion for goodness sake. It's not all about you.

It's not all about you either, and yet here you are posting again...

you have all my sympathy. Dont know what to say but lots of hugs from me x

Hope you will be blessed with one when you least expect it 🌈

Wow. Just wow. What a lovely person.

I am so sorry @Bbwinter ❤️ I have been trying 6 years too. We've had 6 losses in that time. I'm not quite ready to stop yet but we are nearing the end.

I'm 40 and we started trying when I was 34. We've had lots of tests, tried ivf and numerous treatments that should have worked (I have immune issues) but they didn't.

I was always hoping we would have a surprise pregnancy (totally relaxed and not thinking about it and it still didn't happen). I'm doing ivf again but this is the last time, we've spent all our money.

Having had a glimpse of what our life will be like just us (we took 6 months off after our last miscarriage in 2021 as I had a mental breakdown), I feel a lot more at peace with it not happening for us. Dont get me wrong, i atill feel really sad it hasnt happened but im not in that devastated space as i once was. I honestly could not have imagined I'd ever feel that way. I couldn't walk away knowing we'd not given it one last try. But if this doesn't work, we'll live childfree. And I think we'll be ok.

Sending you lots of love, you're not alone 💕

Best to ignore him. He's just enjoying upsetting people.

Sorry you're going through this op.

I do have children so I won't pretend to know exactly what you are going through.

One thing I would say is that there are positives and negatives to both having children and not having children. I feel terrified for the future because I have children. What jobs will they have.. will they be able to afford a home. Will they be happy..will they be healthy. It's a never ending worry which stops me totally enjoying my own life. I'm not trying to say your situation is better or worse than mine...I'm just saying that whatever path you're on has downsides and upsides.

I have one child through IVF and I have a genetic condition requiring PIGD and IVF - the test for which didn’t exist until I was 39. After many years of being unable to have a child, and going through all the emotions you describe, I had a DS with autism and complex needs. My life is now a hellscape and I would give my eye teeth for my sad old childless life back.

My advice would be to avoid romanticizing the idea of what a life with children would be like. Sorry if that sounds cynical. I agree with the pp who said grieve for the children you won’t have and move on. I’ve also had to do this. There are no guarantees, even with a child, unfortunately.

Let's all ignore the massive twat on here and try to give the op much needed support as that's what they have clearly come for.

I think you would have some amazing support on the fertility board op xx