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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Neighbours say they can only 'try' to control their child.

747 replies

sleeplessnights24 · 02/01/2024 23:50

I live in a new build. Everything has been ok, but the tenants upstairs have a 5 year old boy who doesn't stop stomping.

Running in the afternoon/normal hours is one thing, but this is in the early hours when people are clearly still asleep! It also happens in the middle of the night too...?! Surely a 5 year old can sleep through the night...? Also, why run if you're up that late?!

I noted the hours it happened. 5:30am, 5:40am, 6:30am - and weirdly 12:30am, 1:20am and 4:20am too. That's just in the last 3 weeks. On weekends it started at 6:50am and 5:40am. We are not just talking about brief periods of noise. It is often intermittent. The worst was 3:50am - which was intermittent until about 4:20am. Then again at 5:20am. Then at 7:30am. That night I didn't sleep at all since 3:50am.

Initially, all communications were fine. I only spoke up once I was at my wits end. I was polite - and so were they. No apology from their side though. They said they'd be mindful of the noise. Phew! I was grateful and hopeful to finally be able to sleep. I do not expect to live in silence (obviously), but stomping on your ceiling - when you're trying to sleep and it is still dark outside, is crazy.

A few months goes by... nothing changes. But because I had already complained once, I felt like I couldn't complain again... until I did.

Again, all polite from both sides. Said they'd be mindful. Ok.
Nothing changed again. Rinse & repeat. The noise - if anything - just got louder... so I spoke up again. Both sides nice and polite. They said it was 'confusing' that it was so loud. I asked multiple times if they'd like to come down and hear it for themselves as they didn't understand how it could be so disruptive. They ignored every invite to come listen.

They would say he 'only walks' on days I would be woken up in the morning - by running. They were/are defensive and looking for excuses. I get it. In many ways, I am not surprised. They kept saying they were 'being mindful' - but nothing ever changed. If the noise had reduced by 20% since I complained; at least that would be something. But there was literally no change.

I was transparent about having Bose headphones, white noise machines, etc... so they could see that I was doing things to drown out the noise from my side.

After 18 months of it happening on an almost daily basis, I complained to my building management Co. I had complained to management before - but their response was 'there's nothing we can do'. They didn't even pass on my sentiments to the owners of the flat.

This time I didn't relent - and asked them to pass/forward my email to the actual owners of the apartment upstairs. (Upstairs are renters). They did indeed forward my email to the owners.

I got a response saying the owners had spoken to their tenants - and the tenants have agreed to buy a rug and will 'try to control the movements of their child when possible'.

I took this as somewhat helpful - and was more angry that I was proven right in that what they'd done for the year prior - was nothing at all - certainly in terms of practical measures when they had told me there was nothing more they could do. Over the 18 months; there was one occasion where I (politely) asked what they had done to mitigate the noise... they didn't respond. (They have hardwood floors throughout).

For 8 weeks, they seemed to promptly stop the running in the middle of the night/early hours (which I only wanted stopped at unreasonable hours anyway) - but now we are back to square one it seems. I'm mindful of it being Winter (dark and awful weather outside) and also Christmas season, but I'm not sure why it keeps happening. They say the best they can do is 'try' to control it.

AIBU for not relenting and to keep complaining to management? The tenants have stopped opening my messages now.

OP posts:
ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 14:33

@Nanny0gg yes as I said a few pages ago one in six people are nocturnal and “middle of the night” does not have the same meaning to us as it does to you.

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2024 14:34

Elizabethtattletale · 03/01/2024 09:15

Soundproofing aside, my point is that you CANT control some difficult things in life (especially people) and you do have to accept and adapt or you spend your life battling something you can’t change. Not good for anyone.

He’s 5, he will grow out of it. It’s not forever. it’s normal child behaviour.

Why don’t you put sound proofing on your ceiling?

It's not

BiddyPop · 03/01/2024 14:37

If there is a night where you've been disturbed once, it settles, and there is a second disturbance...could you go knock on their door to ask them politely to manage the situation as it's the 2nd time tonight.

And do that every time.

Let the 1st one go (although it would be good for that to stop too), but knock on the 2nd and any further disturbances during the night as they are happening. And send an email to the landlord as you come back downstairs to let him know you've knocked. Every single time.

When the parents sleep is getting disturbed, and they are also getting the heat from the landlord who can see the impact in real time, then there will probably be changes made.

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 14:39

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 14:33

@Nanny0gg yes as I said a few pages ago one in six people are nocturnal and “middle of the night” does not have the same meaning to us as it does to you.

Are you still waffling on about doing night shift?

Jacfrost · 03/01/2024 14:40

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2024 14:24

That is actually, utter nonsense.

You are not 'entitled' to disturb neighbours if it can be avoided

And as for 'harassing'...😂

Moving around one's home does not constitute disturbing neighbours. The OP is bothered by it because the flats have poor sound insulation.

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 14:41

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 14:39

Are you still waffling on about doing night shift?

I’m not Waffling someone quoted me and asked me a question

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 14:45

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 14:41

I’m not Waffling someone quoted me and asked me a question

You keep going on about people making noise in the daytime like it compares.

surreygirl1987 · 03/01/2024 14:45

Children shouldn’t be in flats

Most stupid mumsnet post I've ever read... 🙄

OhmygodDont · 03/01/2024 14:47

Jacfrost · 03/01/2024 14:40

Moving around one's home does not constitute disturbing neighbours. The OP is bothered by it because the flats have poor sound insulation.

I mean jumping around above your neighbours bed could be counted as an issue let’s face it.

Same reason we are not meant to do loud diy after certain times. Just like dogs are allowed to bark because it’s natural but only so much Otherwise it is a nuisance. So yes you’re allowed to live in your own home but the sound is still only allowed to a certain volume/amount. Same as TVs/stereos etc.

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 14:48

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 14:45

You keep going on about people making noise in the daytime like it compares.

All you’re doing is telling me your peace matters more than mine because you sleep at night.

Calliopespa · 03/01/2024 14:49

sheflieswithherownwings · 03/01/2024 12:38

Honestly if you live in a flat with people above you you are really quite likely to end up hearing noise… it could just as easily be students coming and going at all hours or music on until late or many other possible irritations. It’s a 5 year old and their movements are not easy to ‘control’. Sorry but I think you need to accept that they have as much right to live there as you do and not be harassed for what is essentially just a young kid moving about his home.

Or people having loud, vocal or very grunty sex.

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 14:51

Calliopespa · 03/01/2024 14:49

Or people having loud, vocal or very grunty sex.

That happened to me within an hour of moving into a flat. I was like are they doing that on purpose ?

OhmygodDont · 03/01/2024 14:51

A women got an Asbo and evicted for loud sex locally some years ago. That was rather funny tbh not for the neighbours mind.

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 14:52

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 14:48

All you’re doing is telling me your peace matters more than mine because you sleep at night.

We are talking about social norms. If you work night shift and people going about their day bothers you rethink where you live. The vast majority of people sleep at night.

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 14:59

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 14:52

We are talking about social norms. If you work night shift and people going about their day bothers you rethink where you live. The vast majority of people sleep at night.

I don’t think the majority is vast but it doesn’t bother me. It would just be nice if people would extend to me the same courtesy.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 03/01/2024 15:02

TigerRag · 03/01/2024 14:32

Other threads suggest those of us who are ND and don't like loud noise don't matter

This.

Calliopespa · 03/01/2024 15:10

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 14:51

That happened to me within an hour of moving into a flat. I was like are they doing that on purpose ?

It’s also super awkward raising it. We had that once on a holiday with a group of friends and it went on all week until someone got up the courage to say something in a sort of light-hearted way. The guy looked mortified and said : “ that’s just how I have sex.” After which there was an awkward silence and an excruciating silence that night.

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 15:15

😂😂😂

timbuktootoo · 03/01/2024 15:19

Whenever I see threads like this I am dumbfounded how many inconsiderate and entitled people there are. Your children are your choice and your responsibility, nobody else's. They should not infringe on other people's peace and happiness. Particularly not their ability to sleep! In nurseries and schools all over the country, very young children are taught to have 'indoor voices' and 'indoor feet'. Meaning that children can be taught to be quiet and walk gently when indoors.

If you live in a flat, or any adjoining property, with your children it's your duty to make sure you have the same rules and to take them out to a park, pool or soft play to run around, stamp, thump, shriek etc to burn off energy. At home they should know that this level of activity and noise will not be allowed.

When my children were younger we lived in a flat and this was exactly what we did because I would never allow them to make other people's home lives miserable. Neighbours should be able to come home from work and have peace and relaxation, not be stressed/have anxiety/panic attacks from lazy and thoughtless parenting.

Daniagainagainagain · 03/01/2024 15:46

Lovelyjubbbly · 03/01/2024 14:24

@DoorLockedAgain what a old fart you must be for your children

What a racist, agist, illiterate, 11erife you are to your children. Racing to the bottom as to 'who has it worse' is never a good look either.

You could probably have an argument with yourself in a locked room by the way you've presented yourself on this thread today.

Need a lie down?

Lovelyjubbbly · 03/01/2024 15:56

@Daniagainagainagain I actually could be doing with a lie down coming to think of it .

kids were up most of the night running in to my room thumping and banging and just been absolute unreasonable 😂👍

Daniagainagainagain · 03/01/2024 16:10

Lovelyjubbbly · 03/01/2024 15:56

@Daniagainagainagain I actually could be doing with a lie down coming to think of it .

kids were up most of the night running in to my room thumping and banging and just been absolute unreasonable 😂👍

I'm sure that makes a change.

SpicyMoth · 03/01/2024 16:16

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 06:43

People seem to think I have reported them to the council/tried to get them evicted. Other posts have said that their landlord thinks I'm unreasonable - which is 100% untrue. Also, apparently according to these posts - the child now has SEN/ADHD - and some posters seem to know his exact movements/reasons for stomping at night. How utterly informative! 😂

Another post said I wasn't doing enough from my side. Another said I should feel bad for 'evicting a family after Christmas' - when I never said anything of the sort - or wanting to do so.

Here is a quote from my original post: “For 8 weeks, they seemed to promptly stop the running in the middle of the night/early hours (which I only wanted stopped at unreasonable hours anyway).”

People seem to have missed the part where I said I had hoped the repeated instances of running - I repeat - which wasn't one-off to stop at night-time.

This was indeed possible - after their LL got involved - and all was fine.

A lot of people are commenting from their own experiences - which is great - and I welcome that - and others are frankly, projecting!

I have reached out to their LL again via email and noted all the dates/times in the past month of stomping - and have said when I’ll be back on home turf. I can only hope we get back to a place where we were indeed able to sleep in our own home.

I know I have bent over backwards. I know nothing changed in 18 months. (After all; I’m the one living there). I know something only changed once their LL got involved. If we can’t reach a resolution, either they will have to move - or I will have to move.

That’s the bottom line.

"I know nothing changed in 18 months. (After all; I’m the one living there). "

OP, I understand that you're frustrated, but there is literally no way for you to possibly know they have done absolutely nothing unless you live in their flat with them.
Just because it doesn't sound any different to you, doesn't mean they've literally done nothing.

To clarify, I'm not assuming they ARE doing things, just I'd rather not assume they've done absolutely 0 as I don't find that mentality in conflict particularly helpful.

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 16:28

SpicyMoth · 03/01/2024 16:16

"I know nothing changed in 18 months. (After all; I’m the one living there). "

OP, I understand that you're frustrated, but there is literally no way for you to possibly know they have done absolutely nothing unless you live in their flat with them.
Just because it doesn't sound any different to you, doesn't mean they've literally done nothing.

To clarify, I'm not assuming they ARE doing things, just I'd rather not assume they've done absolutely 0 as I don't find that mentality in conflict particularly helpful.

They DID do something when the landlord got onto them. It lasted 2 months until thry didn’t bother anymore.

biedrona · 03/01/2024 17:02

You sound vile @Lovelyjubbbly