She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

@GotBeatenUp yes it is rubbish. Here in the real world people don’t accept the hospitality of someone giving them a lift, letting them pay for petrol, then don't let them go for a wee, unless there is something wrong with them or in the home, it’s odd behaviour. It’s not op’s problem- it’s hers.

My home is clean and pretty tidy but I don't really like people coming in. Maybe your friend has someone staying with her that she doesn't want anyone to know about. Have you possibly mentioned on more than one occasion that you have never been in her home? Could it be that she did not really think that you were not that desperate for the loo and therefore only wanted a snoop? If it's a problem for you then don't offer her a lift home in future or make sure you go to the loo before you set off for home.

Some people are introvert and happy. But please, just judge away...

What you’re describing isn’t ‘introversion’.

@biscuitnut , I have boundaries and try to look after my mental health.
Letting someone into my house when previous visitors have been unbelievably rude means I would have said no. It's not rubbish behaviour, but I can do without someone inviting themselves in if it means risking someone rummaging through my bathroom cupboard or having a quick look round and then passing comments.

I don't have anything unusual or shameful in my bathroom cupboard. but to rummage through it so that things fall out is weird behaviour. It's just things like toothbrushes, floss, q-tips, san-pro etc.

Actually, not wanting folk in your space can definitely be a part of introversion, especially if you've already socialised that day.

Absolutely, it can. If I've been out socially for hours, and people suggest we go around my flat for however long? No. I need time on my own to decompress, no matter how close friends they are. Luckily, most of the people in my life understand and accept that.

There's many versions of 'the real world' though.

How isn't it?

I must know some very strange people because this behaviour has happened many times, by different people.

Sadly, I think you do.

It sounds like you know some rather unpleasant people @GotBeatenUp.
I hope your user name isn't indicative of your life experiences

No-one I know would do the things in my house that have happened to you - we only have close friends and family visit us.

In response to other posters - no-one rummages about in our house, no-one smokes, no-one passes judgmental comments, no-one steals and no-one oversteps boundaries.

Some of the emotive language used on this thread - safe space, sanctuary, boundaries indicates that either these posters have had some unpleasant experiences from visitors or there is something else going on.

Have you possibly mentioned on more than one occasion that you have never been in her home? Could it be that she did not really think that you were not that desperate for the loo and therefore only wanted a snoop?

I’m wondering this too. Maybe I’m doing the OP a disservice, but the thread seems to be mainly about how she and her friends are never invited in, why isn’t anyone allowed… even the thread title is “She won't let me in her house” rather than “She wouldn’t let me use the loo”. Maybe the friend twigged it was a good excuse for a look around.

Why doesn't she be a friend and let the OP use her loo. For goodness sake a request to use a loo is not akin to a dinner party suggestion in your 'sanctuary'. It is probably any think but a sanctuary and this is the reason!

But it isn’t a random person who has knocked on the door and asked to use the toilet, it’s a friend.
She’s happy enough to accept a lift from the op but won’t let her use the toilet.

Anything but not 'any think but'.

Does she live alone or is there a man in there who would be angry if she let someone in?

That's a good point.

A five year old boundary needs to be respected.

The reason doesn't matter really does it?

There could be tons of reasons, and I wonder, as PP's have suggested, she refused to let you "use her loo" because she suspected you would use it as an opportunity to snoop in a space she has clearly defined as "off-limits."

Is it odd? Yes, perhaps.

I'm heavily introverted, and I really don't like people in my space unless I'm given warning and I know them well enough. My home is my space, my sanctuary. I'd let someone use the toilet, of course, but perhaps not if I suspected it was a ruse to have a snoop.

She may have also feared that once she let you in, she'd have difficulty getting you back out. Would she be obligated to provide refreshments, that kind of thing? I know it's not likely a simple dash to the toilet would lead to that-but if you're an anxious person, trying to preserve your boundaries, those little leaps can be leapt to.

That's what I struggle with when people are in my space unless I know them well. I don't know what is expected of me as "host." She may be a hoarder, have OCD, be highly introverted and keen to preserve her space, she may have anxiety around people being in her home unexpectedly. She may simply have a partner who works shifts and is sleeping or who wouldn't appreciate unexpected visitors. Who knows?

She may well have just not cleaned the toilet that day and be ashamed of it, or have a lack of loo roll.

I suppose I have a mild version of this, because I have NO problem with people entering my home, even unannounced, and would always offer them a tea/coffee, biscuits. and of course give them access to my loo(!), BUT it makes me very anxious if people expect me to whip up a meal at short notice, and especially if they come and watch me/ 'keep me company' in the kitchen. It's not their seeing my home that bothers me, but their observing my awkwardness and inefficiency at manual and 'hosting' skills - I have some co-ordination disabilities, and such situations make me feel as though I'm failing an exam. Maybe your friend has some more severe version of such performance anxiety.

However. I would feel annoyed at a friend not letting me use their LOO. 'When I've got to go, I've got to go!' Though I've come across a few posts on MN where people have appeared quite paranoid about visitors using their loo.

@Rampant Ivy , the name does reflect real life, but isn't particularly relevant to the thread.

The rummaging is weird because I noticed some people doing it, then when I had someone else round, I said please don't rummage in cupboards. Cue 'What's in there?' (Cupboard under stairs). 'Leave the door alone,please', then I almost got shoved out of the way and the visitor opened the door. A rather full cupboard with ironing board, vacuum cleaner etc in. and shelves that weren't IG worthy

Apparently, I'd more or less demanded that they looked in it.

People in my car, more than one has just rummaged through the glove compartment. Fuck me, there's tissues, lipsalve, spare specs, some sanitiser, window scraper and a cloth in there.

With comments about the house, only one has been rude, and she's an 'I tell it as it is' sort of person (downright rude). I suggested she leave if she thought my decor was that bad.

Some things I'd class as pushing boundaries but not crossing them. Some might be things I don't like, but might be normal (switching the telly on and sprawling in front of it, leaving keys or mug on an antique object not the cheap & cheerful coaster on the coffee table because they didn't want to damage the coaster, not flushing the loo etc) .

I do find it interesting how someone having and implementing firm boundaries over their own home has led to insinuations that this person has clear MH problems, is a definite hoarder/scruff, etc.

Those things are possible and I mentioned them in my post as possibilities, because sure, maybe. It's equally possible she just doesn't want people in her home under any circumstances. It is her home.

If OP dislikes the boundary that has been set-and would prefer to say that she doesn't want to do lifts for this person anymore-that is absolutely fine, but the woman can have a boundary without it being because she's some eccentric hoarder living under mountains of junk that is threatening to burst out of her home the second she opens the front door.

Maybe she's had people rummaging around in her home in the past and really didn't appreciate it (who would?) and fears it happening again? Maybe she's been stolen from in the past. Maybe something happened the last time that someone entered her home that means she can't... who knows?

Or maybe she just doesn't want to? Isn't MN all about the "No is a complete sentence" and having firm boundaries? Or are people not allowed that when it comes to posters wanting access to their homes?

It is just a loo, that's all we are discussing allowing someone to use a loo after they have dropped you home. It is miniscule, nothing, not a big deal. Some perspective is needed. Self help culture just promotes help yourself IMO, help yourself to other people's good will but do nothing for others in return. How about if the OP was in pain with needing the loo, seems really mean spirited to let someone unnecessarily sit in that discomfort at best, pain at worst, especially after happily accepting a lift, presumably to save your legs from walking or your money from public transport fare. I think if you are intent on living an isolated life ans in pursuing that you cannot offer anything to others in the process of preserving that isolation, you need to probably find your own way home.

I won't let anyone in my house unless it's for essential maintenance or (god forbid) a medical emergency. My adult son is a schizophrenic and whilst he is not violent, it can take days to settle him if a stranger came in - yes, even just to quickly use the loo. Part of his condition also makes him a hoarder and I am so ashamed of the place that I could not countenance anyone visiting, even briefly.

Unfortunately people have little comprehension of what it is like to live with a schizophrenic or a hoarder unless they have direct experience. It is all very well to say that you wouldn't judge or talk to other friends/colleagues about it but most people almost certainly would. I probably would if this wasn't my life.

Seriously the woman wanted a wee? I feel so sorry for someone that can go out with a person, accept a lift off her (close proximity) but can’t allow that same someone to use their toilet? Of course it’s strange.

@biscuitnut , it's not strange to some of us. The friend probably had her reasons.

But the difference is the OP is happy to invite someone into her car, the friend is not happy to invite someone into her home and the OP knows this, If the OP started a thread saying she doesn’t want to give lifts or car share despite passing the friends house on the way I bet the responses would be far more supportive, your car your rules I would imagine.