She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

I'd say she's ashamed of her home, it could be in a state or just her perception
I'd guess it's more than broken appliances.
I suffered from severe depression and was ashamed to let support workers in at my worst

I'm exactly the same, I absolutely detest people coming into my home. It's not filthy, its not messy, it's just mine and i don't need to justify who I let in and who I don't.

Its my safe space and I don't need anyone in it making a mess, looking around or just being nosey. On top of that one of my children has several disabilities and it's also his safe space? Why would I want to make the both of us uncomfortable just so someone who feels entitled to being in my home?

Just because you're friends with someone doesn't mean you cannot have boundaries.

my home is my sanctuary.

Agree. There’s always posters here who think just because they don’t mind, have an open-door policy, and/or loves visitors, there must be something wrong with people who don’t instead of people just having preferences for their own homes.

I cant imagine accepting a lift from someone to drop me home only to not let them use my toilet.

She shouldn't have to justify her actions its her choice.Youclaim to be her friend so try acting like one and appreciate people are different

This.

By the tone of your post I wonder if her home was scruffy or full of stuff you'd be talking about it at work or to your other friends.

Getting out and about and meeting people in neutral places, without expectations of having to invite people back to her home, might just be what keeps her going so don't put her under pressure or come up with reasons for getting inside.

Not allowing random folk into your house isn't unreasonable behaviour.

Does she .... smell?

Musty and a bit mouldy? Thats a giveaway for a hoarder home *speaking from experience, have a relative who is a top hoarder and I can smell if someone has been in their home - the relative stinks

Not even for someone who had given you a lift in their space, for you to mess up there car, nosey at there stuff to use the toilet?

It really isn't normal not to if someone has done you a favour of a lift and was desperate for the toilet.

*Their not there

I was going to say, the musty thing
My friend is an EXTREME hoarder and she smells musty, dusty, it's not like a bad hygiene smell but definitely like an old attic.. or like ancient donations I used to get as a charity shop manager.. like loft or shed clearance..
is she scatty, unorganised, it seems to go with the territory...
I'm literally the only person my friend lets in... and I can hardly move through the rabbit warrens. I feel panicky just thinking about it.
To deny toilet use is harsh but tells me it's probably a severe issue.
When she's been in my car the musty smell lingers for days
She's hugely scatty, can't cope with remembering dates, anything, because of the way she lives

What to mess up their car by sitting in it? Behave.

I do not owe them anything because they gave me a lift, that isn't how friendships work, im afraid. You dont give to recieve... If you knew they don't let people into their house, what right do you have to get angry over them delicing your use of their toilet? What right do you have to feel entitled to them allowing you to do so?

If you're that stuck on someone saying no because they have boundaries, go and find like minded people to be your friends.

I have two high functioning DC's and they hate strangers in the house so only my BFF comes in , family and my GP over the years .If people do not like it tough. My kids come first .Everyone else the doorstep .Oh also have a rather large dog who whilst is an utter softie out and about really does not like strangers in the house😂.

If she is your friend, why don't you just ask her and say that you find her attitude surprising? She may need help. Councils run schemes - not just for tenants - where they help people fix things, declutter etc. She might be ashamed of her bathroom and need a plumber in. Taps might be broken etc. People get into a downward spiral with this stuff - end up living with broken lights, no heating etc for years, as they fear being judged if the house is a tip.

My friend actually got rejected by the council as 'beyond help' , also she refused to pay anything towards it... and sadly yes I do believe she's beyond help....she makes the tv hoarding programmes seem normal. I live at other end of country so only see her once a year when I stay nearby (and she's quite a new friend anyway) I asked her to ask around for volunteers as some people DO volunteer for this kind of thing.. no one should live like this...but she said she's too ashamed, and the neighbours would know.. (I'm sure they know anyway as can tell by the back garden which she stores food in!)
If it IS this with your friend, it may be an impossible path but let's hope not

It could be as some suggested hording/ dirty

In the house I grew up in through where my stepdad would have hit the roof if I brought anyone in, I got in huge trouble once when a friend phoned the landline. I only ever once had a friend stay over and that was when he was away for a few days. Our house was spotless (to his exact specifications 😐)

Could be she just didn't want to let you in, which I would find mean I can't imagine doing that now in my own house. I let the post woman use my loo!

How can they mess up your house by using the toilet, behave!

No you don't give to receive, sone people are just all take. We've all got "friends" like that, they end up walking a lot.

I think it’s this kind of self absorption that posters are trying to warn the OP against tbh. It is a well documented feature of a lot of MH disorders that people do not have the self-awareness to realise that there is a problem. In others, they don’t confide in loved ones because of extreme shame. For example, in OCD and hoarding, the compulsions are a response to not being able to cope with discomfort. It is not reasonable to expect somebody who does not recognise the problem, or who may need to be medicated before they relearn how to deal with uncomfortable feelings, to open themselves up to you so you don’t get offended.

It had nothing to do with you, was not a reflection of you and was not a reflection of your relationship. It was her disorder. No one owes you their every shame and vulnerability. The only way in which you could’ve helped her was to encourage her to seek professional medical help.

@Toottooot your posts never disappoint 😂always give me a laugh!

You have no idea what it is like when someone wants to invite themself in.
I won't and it freaks me out when people turn up unannounced.

I have issues with people in my house because they cross boundaries and behave in an unacceptable way.

Examples are rummaging, opening closed doors and passing remarks.

People might seem normal, nip upstairs for a wee, then you hear stuff tumbling out of the bathroom cupboard because 'I wondered what you kept in there'.

I must know some very strange people because this behaviour has happened many times, by different people.

MIL is similar. The house is clean and tidy whilst being the house that time forgot. I have known her for 35 years. In 35 years, she has never invited a visitor in (except dh, the sils and the dc). After FILs funeral she refused to let her brothers and sisters go back to the house.

She's just quaint, a bit unsociable and hates the thought of offering anyone a drink or something to eat.

I am sorry but if I had given someone a lift and they couldn’t even let me use their loo I would assume something was very wrong with them mentally or in their house. Definitely not your issue op. It’s downright odd not to allow someone to use your loo in normal circumstances whatever mumsnetters say. All this rubbish about I wouldn’t let someone in the house because it’s my sanctuary etc etc. what happens if you need a paramedic, do you meet them on neutral ground? Whatever the reason I would drop it because there is something going on with her and you can’t fix it. Most likely hoarding.

@biscuitnut , you would not be invited in to mine. 'All this rubbish...' indeed.

Lots of reasons, I dont let anyone in outside of those that need to be in like the gas man or workmen fixing problems etc... There lots of reasons for this but the top two are:

1. on more than one occasion I have had so called friends steal from me and/or not follow basic house rules (like smoking in bedrooms etc... when we do not allow smoking and no cracking the window is not enough)

&

2. boundary overstepping, we had some family members that thought nothing of letting themselves in and going through our personal stuff... we are private people. I have medications and stuff that are not public knowledge or anyone elses business, I should not have to lock up my belonging in MY house. These people seemed insistent that 'family' are entitled to do these things.

Frankly most people have proved they could not be trusted unfortunately so we have not had anyone in our house in 12 years and all these issues magically stopped and we are much happier in our secure and PRIVATE space. If I want to hang out I will go out in public to meet friends or they can have me to THEIR house if they are comfortable with that.

@biscuitnut's comment has reminded me of something. She said what if she needed a paramedic - would she refuse to let them in?

I think she might. I posted upthread about my mum not letting people in her house and have just remembered that when she was in her late 60s she fell off a step stool and broke her wrist. Rather than calling an ambulance she took 2 buses to the nearest A&E. Looking back I think maybe that was the first warning of her impending eccentricity.