She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

That's heartbreaking @Globules and I wonder how many other people are living similarly after the fear campaign of covid. I do know of people who choose to no longer leave their homes and are effective 'lock-ins'. I have one close friend who won't leave their home, has quit their job and stopped everything, is extremely anxious of a visit and she now does everything online only.

I'm hoping to gently over time coax her out but it is stressing / testing the friendship as there's nothing 'there' if we can't do our usual things together and they have nothing to talk about apart from their anxieties. I feel sad and wonder if / how I can help which then feels a bit patronising. Our friendship is now in completely different territory and it feels very distant and disconnected now.

I hope your friend can get the right help and support and I hope anyone who has been terrorised by covid can learn to live fully again.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Thanks for the heads up, yes I'm new. I'm not a mother - I joined here to get support for hysterectomy / menopause / HRT. It's quite funny finding out the foibles of MN.

Maybe I fit in better than realised as I have a large and quite fancy dishwasher brush instead of a 'loo brush' after I tried and failed with lots of different loo brushes that I did find a bit disgusting, most especially the really expensive rubber knobbly ones.

sorry for going Off topic

Maybe the friend knew her loo was dirty !? Or she had a minging bog brush indeed.

That was my first thought. The op's friend's behavior is typical of a hoarder - and I know. Poor soul.

I've known a few like this. Either messy, unclean, hoarders or have animals who pee in the house etc. One had a nice house but a partner who wouldn't allow visitors

Of course it's not normal but I doubt someone would deny the use of their toilet for no reason other than meanness - many have been suggested on this thread. Yes I'd feel uncomfortable in that situation if I'd asked and been denied, but I'd respect the person who had denied me and not jump to dropping them as a friend.

To be honest, if I was the home owner in this situation, although I wouldn't say no, I might be mentally wondering what mess had been left in the bathroom or on the way there. Our house is basically clean and tidyish, but I prefer to have advance notice of visitors and tidy it to a higher standard. When people drop round unexpectedly, I suddenly become aware of all the things out of place and surreptitiously pick them up.

Of course, the OP's friend is entitled to refuse anyone entry to her home. She is allowed to have that boundary. But is very unusual to be scared/hostile in response to a good mate who you've known for five years (and has been kind enough to drive you home) asking if she can run up to your bathroom for a wee, and I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to be puzzled by her friend's behaviour.

I agree @ManateeFair

It strikes me that there is a worrying number of posters on this thread with mental health issues or who live with someone with mental health issues or know someone with mental health issues to the extent that a simple request to use the loo becomes a big deal.

Phrases like “my house, my boundaries”, being worried that someone you have worked with for 5 years and know reasonably well entering your house only wants to snoop or being worried about germs – none of these are a healthy way to live.

when my mental health was really bad I could mask it well outside of the home but my home was a mess. like....a total mess. I couldn't muster the energy to tidy and clean it got so bad my family had to intervene eventually. I'm not saying this will be why but it is a possibility. People hide their struggles well x

I knew someone like this.
It turned out she had her eldest DS living with her who had MH issues and was agoraphobic so couldn't let peple in her house for this reason.

Sorry but I could not be friends with someone who wouldn’t let me use their toilet !

I dont like to have people in my house but I don't like people...

Does she live alone? Her partner could have OCD/anxiety about anyone coming in? Otherwise it's just plain rude!

This is an extremely logic post - any one of these.

My ex couldn’t stand anyone popping in for any reason.

If it is filthy you can understand it.

There was obviously a reason, she felt uncomfortable. Most likely untidy and she was embarrassed as not expecting company.

It was reasonable to ask but also reasonable for her to say no, without being judged. I'd let it go.

I don't think it was unreasonable to ask, but it would have been reasonable to be prepared for a refusal given her known behaviour. She may feel guilt about accepting lifts etc and not being able to invite anyone in (does she do other stuff for you instead?). I do think there are some parts of the country where friends/relatives more or less walk in when they like (a shock to me when I first encountered this in Yorkshire from DH family) and others where you have to give a week's notice if you are coming round (ex daughter in law was like this and also my own family very rarely had anyone come in the house). By the way, people are different ages/states of health and fitness and have different bladder capacities. It can be easy to miscalculate and might be quite tough to be refused the loo! I have sympathy for both in this story. I hope the friend confides one day in what her problem is and that OP is non judgmental and helpful.

I find it shocking that people are automatically assuming someonehas MH issues just because they prefer not to invite people into their houses.

I think it's none of your business as to why she doesn't allow anyone into HER home. No matter why, its not your business to be a nosey Nora.

If she is a hoarder then that is classed as illness so tred carefully there

That ' a pretty harsh response.
Why so angry?

I’d be a bit irked if I really had to use the loo but accept and respect their response and privacy.

Saying that, I wait til I get home to go to the loo or specific public ones because I know they’re clean.

I wouldn’t drop a friend over this though and it would actually put me off befriending someone if they expected an invitation to our home and must have it or we couldn’t be friends.

I don’t mind visitors (heavily prefer meeting people out instead and doing an activity), but for the sake of DS1 who is autistic, runs around in his underwear, has meltdowns, and can make others uncomfortable, I’m content to keeping it to family only.

Harsh? Angry? What because its not her home so it isn't her business? 🤣

My mum was like this for the last few years of her life. Was ok to meet people outside the home but anyone (including me) who went round there for any reason was politely but firmly repelled at the doorway.

When she eventually became infirm and I had to step in for her safety I completely understood why she had been like that. Her house was a filthy, cluttered, tip. She had once been very houseproud she would have been ashamed to have anyone see that side of her.

Phrases like “my house, my boundaries”, being worried that someone you have worked with for 5 years and know reasonably well entering your house only wants to snoop or being worried about germs – none of these are a healthy way to live.

To be fair, the people commenting that the OP’s friend might be worried about snooping are doing so in the context of the thread - namely that it’s clearly been an issue for the OP that she’s never been invited in, with the toilet issue almost seeming like the “last straw” rather than the key point. We don’t know how the OP has behaved towards this friend - but if she’s previously dropped heavy hints about popping over, maybe we could have a couple of drinks at your place before going out etc., the friend may have picked up on the OP’s curiosity and is trying to head it off.

Some MNers will always suggest that MH issues are behind any unreasonable behaviour, whatever it is - including laziness, rudeness, invariably being late, etc.
That way it’s never the person’s own fault.

Everyone just judges your friend saying its probably because she has a dirty house
It could simply be the same as me I have issues inviting people into my house and its spotlessly clean and tidy
I would always meet hem on neutral ground as my home is my sanctuary .
She shouldn't have to justify her actions its her choice.You claim to be her friend so try acting like one and appreciate people are different

I have a friend and a neighbour like this. Both are ashamed to let anyone over the threshold as they're hoarders. They won't even let tradespeople in to fix stuff they're that embarassed. I helped clean one friends flat when she was due home from hospital but within 3 months it was filthy again.