To think it's miserable that my husband doesn't ever want my parents to stay at Christmas

[Sebantha]

My husband and I were talking about future Christmases if we have a kid in future.

He said that it would sometimes be nice to have Christmas in our own house. I agreed, saying that if we did, we could invite my (or his) parents for a few days if they don't have plans.

Mine live the other end of the UK, and I would love cooking a Christmas dinner and hosting them and doing Christmassy things like going to a pantomime.

But he said no, he doesn't ever want them to come at Christmas. (He would let them come at other and of year though). My parents are really nice to him and are easygoing. He wants to have Christmas at home as just us.

I said his attitude was miserable. He got angry and tried to make me take it back, but I didn't.

AIBU to think his attitude is miserable?

Sorry for the Christmas theme when it's post-Christmas!

But he still said no. He said 'and would that be any fun for me?'. When I continued to try and make my case, he got annoyed and walked off and refused to talk anymore.

This is a MUCH bigger problem than whether your parents stay at Xmas! His behaviour is manipulative, childish, selfish and definitely coercive!! Why do you put up with it?

I couldn’t imagine being stuck with that sort of man. I’m not one for sulks and passive aggressive stuff. My DH never raises his voice and is just chilled and kind. That’s how I want to live. I try to be the same towards him. I’m sure my parents drive him a bit nuts at times (telling the same stories he’s heard for 20 years etc) but he knows that family is important and wants our children to have special memories of Christmas with their grandparents. I find the “our little family” stuff rather insular and sad. Surely it’s the nuclear family every other day? Also remember that shutting the grandparents out may be done to you one day when your previous DC decide to have Christmas just them and “their little family”!

My mum and aunt come Tony’s every year for at least 3 nights, this year it was 6 nights. She’s been a great mum and I feel blessed to still have her at 92 and she’s very welcome. DH has no choice in the matter but he doesn’t seem to mind, never thought to ask!🤣
Hes not close to his mother so no conflict there, he wouldn’t have her here.

You aren’t interested in any answers that don’t support your view so I am wasting my breath - but it’s not unreasonable of your husband not to want to host anyone at Christmas. I wouldn’t want to either. Lots of people on this thread have said they don’t want to. We are not miserable. I love Christmas dearly. It’s magical. I don’t love having people around me all the time though. I don’t enjoy it. It would make my Christmas less enjoyable.

You clearly do enjoy other people’s company. Fine.

He would let them come?! Honestly, have a serious conversation with your partner. This is such a miserable attitude and raises red flags for me straight away.

We have acquaintances who have done this all ther married lives. Even on a couple of years when their parents were going to be alone. There kids are both on the point of leaving home now. We are all waiting and hoping for karma

If you read the link previously posted when the OP was discussing his abusiveness it's absolutely nothing to do with 'boundaries'

@Sebantha Why are you carrying on when you know what an awful man he is?

Why is Christmas even on your radar?

So many red flags.

what else does he control?
I agree every year would be to much, so the every 2-3 years is very reasonable.

whenever family stay - and friends tbh - we may be “hosts” but everyone has to muck in - veg prep, washing up, entertainer for the kiddo. - if he is genuinely concerned you wools be doing to much make that the rule. Though tbh from sounds of it nothing will let him give up control (sorry )

This would push me towards leaving my partner at home and going to spend time with my parents. Making my own memories and making the most of the time with them. They aren’t always going to be around and as they were the r ones that brought you up they would come first. Your husband needs to stop being selfish and be kind. I wonder what his like with his own parents, a child like him is not worth having as a child.
We are becoming a society of loners and don’t understand family time with extended family.

I would question how much someone loved and cared for me when they are so willing to make me so uncomfortable.

I agree with your DH - on this one - they are welcome any other time not just at Christmas- which seems fair compromise - I personally like just my own little unit for Christmas day

In which case you don’t agree with him because he doesn’t welcome his ils at any time. It’s not just Christmas, it’s ever.

Surely these are the sort of things best spoken about BEFORE you bring a child into the mix. This can cause massive problems. Some people are close to their parents and want to spend Christmas with them and them with their children and grandparents, some people don’t. This is actually quite a big deal as it could cause problems and resentment down the line.

*sorry this was to a previous poster, but it didn’t copy the quote

You alternate as only fair but tbh after 20 years of traveling to both parents and inlaws who are both very nice I'd love a Christmas at home but don't want to wish for it. As long as they alive we keep alternating. Do see your dh view with Christmas at home but it will change as life makes things change. However at present his view. Is unreasonable.

Wow it’s all about him isn’t it? Is he like this with other things? Very selfish tbh

Weird - and controlling! It may not be his ideal but in marriage you have to make compromises.

I have 2 Dc and every Christmas since they were born it's been the 4 of us, plus we collect MIL (96) on Christmas morning and she stays overnight so we can have a drink. It's all very pleasant but I'd love to have a few more people (my family of course 😃) to liven things up a bit. But it's still lovely of course.

If DH had both parents and they were younger, of course I'd be happy to host them. If my Dad (90) and his wife were younger and fancied it (he doesn't) - I'd love to have them too. I do miss the days when my siblings and I were childfree and we all went to my Dad's......

It's not much more work to feed a couple more mouths - so the hosting isn't a major issue. Obviously the bedlinen etc is a bit of work - but you say you'd be doing it all so I think he's very dull. How fun will it be sitting at home with just 2 adults and a small child - especially if small child is too young to get excited about the magic? Stick to your guns OP.....

I agree. This is becoming so usual in the U.K. I live in Spain now where this is completely alien. I grew up with family Christmas with my grandparents, aunts, cousins etc and it was amazing. Unless there is a toxic family dynamic I actually think it’s really awful to ask your partner to give up spending Christmas with family. If you both like to see your family, do one year with one and one year the other, or Xmas day and Boxing Day, or host or whatever. Fine to spend the odd quiet one, but to ask someone not spend a few days with their family at Christmas is really unfair. Your parents and family will be there for you forever, marriages/relationships break up. If your spouse absolutely hates it, then do it every other year.

Why does your choice trump his? It might be a deal breaker.

I'm Team DH I wouldn't have them to stay over Xmas, maybe have them over the weekend before and do a Christmas thing. My sister doesn't see anyone over Xmas they like it to be just them. We have a family get together the weekend before Xmas.

Do NOT have children with this petulant man child!!!

You’ve revisited the topic, clarified it would be once every 3 years or so, assuming they don’t already have plans, and even tried to compromise on it being the days after Christmas which is sad in itself…

How would your parents feel if they knew all this? And the fact you said he would literally call them directly and tell them not to come to see THEIR DAUGHTER!?

This is disgusting behaviour. Why would you pursue a future with this person or even consider kids with someone so unyielding and unwilling to compromise?

This will not end here, there’ll be more lines drawn over other things as his control over you and your home tightens. Cut your losses and LEAVE xx

I disagree @Pushmepullu - I think it's good to talk about hypothetical situations in the future, because then we know what to expect and what the other's attitudes are. We should have had this kind of conversation before we got married. It never came up and I never expected he'd object so much to my parents coming, occasionally, over Christmas (or indeed after the Christmas period).

I am baffled and upset by this - and by other attitudes he has.

and for what it's worth, if we had a child who was a toddler or older, I wouldn't envisage us going away to relatives for most years at Christmas. I expect we'd normally be at home. That is why I would like to invite my parents sometimes.

But we alternate between staying with both our parents at the moment because we don't have kids.

what do your parents do over Christmas?

He said 'and would that be any fun for me?

This sums up the narcissistic view totally. He literally can't or won't see anything outside his own wants. Your feelings don't matter to him. He only cares about himself.

Please god LTB before kids. It won't ever get any better!

thanks. This is hard but I have also been thinking about this. He is caring at other times, and it's hard to explain how that messes with your head.