To think it's miserable that my husband doesn't ever want my parents to stay at Christmas

[Sebantha]

My husband and I were talking about future Christmases if we have a kid in future.

He said that it would sometimes be nice to have Christmas in our own house. I agreed, saying that if we did, we could invite my (or his) parents for a few days if they don't have plans.

Mine live the other end of the UK, and I would love cooking a Christmas dinner and hosting them and doing Christmassy things like going to a pantomime.

But he said no, he doesn't ever want them to come at Christmas. (He would let them come at other and of year though). My parents are really nice to him and are easygoing. He wants to have Christmas at home as just us.

I said his attitude was miserable. He got angry and tried to make me take it back, but I didn't.

AIBU to think his attitude is miserable?

Sorry for the Christmas theme when it's post-Christmas!

What do you do currently for Christmas? It sounds like you’ve never had it at yours?

His parents live in the UK but a similar distance away (6 hours door to door). Yes we go over there quite a lot (have just been with them for a week).

Hmm. Tricky. On the one hand it seems unfair for him to decide, on the other I feel the same as him, I'd hate to have anyone staying for Christmas 😆 So I don't think his opinion is unreasonable, but the lack of discussion is if that makes sense.

Currently we alternate between going to stay with my family and his family.

I think it’s quite natural to want to start your own traditions when you have a family and maybe he sees it as the time he finally gets to stop alternating and spend it at home.

No - he doesn't mind them coming to stay at another time of year (sorry about typo). He doesn't ever want them staying in our house over Christmas.

He's ok to go and stay at theirs over Christmas though (at the moment at least)

I agree with this. I think family should be welcomed at Christmas. You can still make your own family traditions with other people there...

So he will let them host him but he won’t host them? Why? I wouldn’t be accepting it. I have just had my in-laws this Christmas. It wouldn’t have been my first choice tbh, but I knew it would be a lovely thing for dp and the kids and it was. It was fine for me too. Would I want it every year, not really, but I also wouldn’t refuse.
He’s being very unreasonable. Especially as you would do the cooking. I hope you’ve told him it will be happening either way.

I sooooooo hate that term “my little family”

cringe!! CRINGE!

tbf I never hear it in real life

This!! Don’t see how anyone could argue with this!

If it comes to it and I tell them to come even though my husband hasn't agreed, he would phone them up and tell them it's not convenient. He has done a similar thing before.

So basically, I have to get his agreement if they are ever to come at Christmas.

Team DH. Christmas is for my own family and my own family only. They could come before Christmas, after Christmas, for Easter or Summer but no to Christmas. That goes for my own parents too,

That's really selfish of him. It's not for h8m to decide what happens every year, or 'let' you have visitors.

He needs to compromise on alternate years. As a pp has said, how would he feel if your dc in future didn't allow him to visit. Stand your ground and tbh, unless this is in isolation, its a red flag for me.

Ohhh they could absolutely come visit at Christmas and have dinner etc but stay??? No chance.

@Sebantha you’ve got another thread running about your husband being abusive… how does his abuse of you manifest? I’m guessing refusing your family is part of the control/abuse.

Are you safe?

I think he’s a selfish git .

He's actually called your parents and told them not to come after you had made plans? What happened when he did that? Did you not raise absolute hell with him for it?

Good job you are having this chat before kids. I couldn't be with someone so set in their own ways and having to do everything their way.

If this is seriously his attitude to family, and you don't already have kids, I'd seriously reconsider the relationship now before kids arrive.
How will he feel in years to come when your future child follows his example and won't spend Christmas with you because they want it to be "just them"?
Any partner who couldn't tolerate my family at Christmas or any other time would not be the right partner for me.

@Icantbedoingwithit

i wonder if your own children will feel the same way as you when they grow up? You could find yourself feeling quite lonely if so!

He's been unreasonable because it's not just his decision and things like this need compromise. Yes, some ‘just us’ Christmases are reasonable, but if some years you'd like your parents (or his), then they should be allowed too.

He's a selfish get. Think long and hard before having children.

That's not how normal families work.

I would never expect to stay in my child’s house at Christmas. I would visit and then leave. I am sure my kids will feel the same as me when they have their own houses.

It’s how my family works. Not all families.

It's not quite the same if it takes them a day to drive to our house.