To think it's miserable that my husband doesn't ever want my parents to stay at Christmas

[Sebantha]

My husband and I were talking about future Christmases if we have a kid in future.

He said that it would sometimes be nice to have Christmas in our own house. I agreed, saying that if we did, we could invite my (or his) parents for a few days if they don't have plans.

Mine live the other end of the UK, and I would love cooking a Christmas dinner and hosting them and doing Christmassy things like going to a pantomime.

But he said no, he doesn't ever want them to come at Christmas. (He would let them come at other and of year though). My parents are really nice to him and are easygoing. He wants to have Christmas at home as just us.

I said his attitude was miserable. He got angry and tried to make me take it back, but I didn't.

AIBU to think his attitude is miserable?

Sorry for the Christmas theme when it's post-Christmas!

You're not being unreasonable, it's about give and take. He can't just decide that it'll be his way every Christmas.x

In that case YABU, alternate his parents, your parents then home by yourselves. Completely reasonable.

ETA advice is moot if he's abusive

You invite guests, then he phones and uninvites them??
That's quite concerning.
Why is it all his way --is he controlling in other ways too?

Edit deletes double post. Sorry.

Surely there is a compromise. Christmas comes every year. One year you do it how you want the next how he wants?

This is really worrying behaviour OP.

How is he with other points of disagreement. Does he ever compromise?

What about his parents coming to stay?

He can't surely envisage that when your (and his) parents are older that they will continue to do the hosting?

Well, I am in two minds about this.

I´ve just spent Christmas abroad with my SO and we absolutely loved it. No Christmas / family stress and it was absolutely amazing!

Is it possible that Christmas with extended family / in-laws every other year was already the compromise?
That´s currently the plan SO and I have made. Every other year abroad and the years in-between with family.

Could you spend an alternative holiday with your parents / extended family?

We have started spending New Years Eve with my father and little (half) brothers. That may not last, seeing as they´re both teenagers now. But it is very nice.
I really like spending NYE that way.

I agree with others that it's not Xmas that's the issue, it's how he responds to the idea of not having things his own way.

I'm really shocked that he's previously called up your parents to revoke an invitation - that's incredibly controlling.

He is very clearly showing you the man he is. It’s his way or no way. I would genuinely be reconsidering having children with this man, life is too short to be unhappy.

So your parents aren't your own family?

Such a British attitude...

OP I would see this as a red flag as to how he considers and treats family full stop. Parents won’t be around for ever so it’s hardly a life long issue.

We have to make what usually turns out to be 6-8 hour drive EACH WAY to visit in laws for a few days over Christmas. Yes is annoys me but I do it because I love DH and I love the fact his family means so much to him. My parents soentlf a few days with us over Christmas at our house. Similarly I’m sure it annoys DH a bit but he would never say they can’t come. And as a few others have pointed out, that allows us a few drinks out alone one evening and gives us plenty of opportunity for exercise in the day.

I am not British.

My ideal Christmas is just us at home. My husband enjoys a big family get together. Neither of us are wrong or right. We just have different preferences. I'm happy to go with his wishes some years as long as I get mine other years. And that means not having anyone here because I crave space and quiet.

This is all very well and as a perpetual host I sometimes wish I could do same. The fact is there are people in our family circle who would either be alone or have circumstances which make hosting impossible for them. I'd rather extend an invite to join us and if refused thats fine. It never happens though 😂 I would never dream of not inviting my children's Grandparents. We take turn about. Dh parents one year, mine the following year with both our siblings taking their turn so GPs are never alone on the day.

I never said you were.

"Such a British attitude..."

He is completely mean spirited.
What does he say about having his parents for Christmas some time in the future?

I would ask why is he the boss of who you host at Christmas?
I would disagree and stay stubborn.
If you have children he will need to consider what is best for them too. He sounds selfish.

The very beginnings of Coercive Control.

I would HATE having my in laws for an extended period over Christmas. Even if you do all the cooking that means DH is left to do the entertaining. For me, Christmas should be a time to relax as you see fit. It would be too intense to have guests stay over what is already a very stressful time for some. Altho I fully appreciate many love it. I do not. And that’s ok.

Presumably you pay into this house too so why the hell does he think he is, that he can "dictate" who can come?
You can have a discussion obviously and agree a compromise like rotating years, but I don't like the language of "he would let them stay" or he says they "can't" come.

Nobody died and made him King of the Hill so he needs to watch that superiority complex that his word is final. Nope!!

Emmmmmmmmmm ok then 😂

If it comes to it and I tell them to come even though my husband hasn't agreed, he would phone them up and tell them it's not convenient. He has done a similar thing before.

Are you sure about having children with a man like this? Seems risky.

@Coolhwip your DH sounds lovely - my mum is a widow and gets lonely but my husband couldn’t give too hoots - he thinks having her for dinner once a week is too much (no he doesn’t do any of the cooking either so no effort on his part required)

If it comes to it and I tell them to come even though my husband hasn't agreed, he would phone them up and tell them it's not convenient. He has done a similar thing before.

So basically, I have to get his agreement if they are ever to come at Christmas.

Oh fuck NO!!!!! How bloody dare he???

I agree with him, he’s happy to go and stay with them alternate years but wants a quiet Christmas at home not hosting.

I also disagree with pp re children changing his mind. If anything having children made me more adamant that I wanted Christmas in our own house without any overnight guests.

I don’t see how her yes trumps his no, they have opposing views with no win:win.

why is one viewpoint more controlling than the other?