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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's miserable that my husband doesn't ever want my parents to stay at Christmas

248 replies

Sebantha · 02/01/2024 22:00

My husband and I were talking about future Christmases if we have a kid in future.

He said that it would sometimes be nice to have Christmas in our own house. I agreed, saying that if we did, we could invite my (or his) parents for a few days if they don't have plans.

Mine live the other end of the UK, and I would love cooking a Christmas dinner and hosting them and doing Christmassy things like going to a pantomime.

But he said no, he doesn't ever want them to come at Christmas. (He would let them come at other and of year though). My parents are really nice to him and are easygoing. He wants to have Christmas at home as just us.

I said his attitude was miserable. He got angry and tried to make me take it back, but I didn't.

AIBU to think his attitude is miserable?

Sorry for the Christmas theme when it's post-Christmas!

OP posts:
TimetoPour · 03/01/2024 14:57

I can see your DH point of view.

Since having my first child, I have been stuck hosting Christmas every bloody year and I am sick of it. The first year I thought it would be lovely to have everyone together to see the new babies first Christmas. Realistically, my DH and I spent the whole period running around, making drinks, cooking meals, changing beds and clearing up after everyone. We missed seeing presents unwrapped and were both exhausted. Everyone else had a marvellous day spent holding our baby.

The worst part? It’s now expected every year. The PIL like to remind us that they are getting older and it could be their last year and my own mother is manipulative. The one year I suggested them all coming Boxing Day only, she threw her toys out the pram, said that’s fine, she will never come to us ever again if she’s not welcome and started to cry about being alone. (She has my dad and I have other siblings but she prefers to come to us.) I should have grown a back bone years ago and now feel horribly bitter about it instead.

Don't make the same mistake I did!

Consideringachange2023 · 03/01/2024 15:00

Well put it this way OP, just under half of all marriages end in divorce (as of UK stats in recent years).
So there’s a decent chance you won’t always be with this man - but your parents will always be your parents and sorry to say, you have limited time left to spend with them. Especially as you live quite far away, if you only see them twice a year for example and they only live another 10 years, you’ve only got 20 opportunities to spend time with them.

Yet you’ve got every single day to spend with this miserable, controlling prick.

A good relationship is compromise and if he can’t - then you won’t get a good relationship.

A compromise is not seeing them at other times, a compromise is them coming every other or every few years. It’s your home too and you can host and invite your family if you wish.

The fact he’d ring them and tell them not to come….. sounds like a grade A tosser.

Consideringachange2023 · 03/01/2024 15:03

@TimetoPour

that doesn’t sound fun at all but that’s not a compromise. You should be able to say you don’t want to do it every year and not be guilt tripped or forced into it.

OP wants to do it occasionally but is being told NEVER - which is the exact thing that is happening to you in reverse. Someone else dictating the terms of your home.

it’s not on in either scenarios!

AlltheFs · 03/01/2024 15:25

PinkEasterbunny · 03/01/2024 13:58

And the OP isn’t his boss either- why should her wishes trump his?

Show quote history

You take turns to get what you want, he’s free to go elsewhere if he doesn’t want to be there- but if you see the OP’s other posts he is an abusive prick.

Wintersun1xxx · 03/01/2024 16:58

To those who have a good relationship in general with parents and in-laws yet only want their 'nuclear' family on Christmas day (as if parents weren't immediate family) What would you do if one of the children's GPs lived alone. If there would be no guilt leaving them eating their Christmas meal alone then it's time to have a good long think.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/01/2024 17:01

So, basically he is saying it is fine for his family to come when he wants at Christmas, but not yours, and if you set it up he will call them unilaterally and cancel. Complete CF behaviour and would be getting pretty short shrift from me. It is not the actual thing itself that is the biggest issue here - it is his attitude and expectations.

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 17:02

Wintersun1xxx · 03/01/2024 16:58

To those who have a good relationship in general with parents and in-laws yet only want their 'nuclear' family on Christmas day (as if parents weren't immediate family) What would you do if one of the children's GPs lived alone. If there would be no guilt leaving them eating their Christmas meal alone then it's time to have a good long think.

In that case they would be collected on Christmas Morning and dropped back that evening.

mumsytoon · 03/01/2024 17:44

Neither my DM or MIL helped with the kids, ever. I’m a bit envious of mums who did have some help. Entertaining my mother meant her sitting in an armchair expecting to be waited on.

Mine insist on doing the cooking and prep, saying that it's our time now to spend with our dc. I really appreciate that.

gannett · 03/01/2024 17:51

I don't think your husband is necessarily unreasonable or miserable to want just you for Xmas but he is definitely unreasonable to think that's the end of the conversation, he's made the decision and that's the end of it. His communication and willingness to compromise both need to be worked on.

Ideally, given that you want opposite things, this would have led to a proper conversation that gets to the root of why you each want your particular ideal Xmas, and from there to work out the compromises that need to be made (the obvious one is to alternate Xmases). I'm not sure calling him miserable straight off was helpful but it doesn't sound like he was exactly helpful either.

Your differences aren't necessarily a terminal problem but if you can't communicate about them properly - that will be.

Findinganewme · 03/01/2024 20:03

I think it’s concerning that he gets to ‘let them’ come or not.

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 22:26

Findinganewme · 03/01/2024 20:03

I think it’s concerning that he gets to ‘let them’ come or not.

I made it clear to my husband from day one that is how it would be. He understood and accepted it. Like I have made sacrifices for him in other ways. He knew it was important to me like I know other things are important to him. It’s a 2 way street.

Original poster
Sebantha · 03/01/2024 23:06

Thanks everyone. After reading these posts, I raised it again this evening.

I tried to make it very clear that I wasn't saying I wanted to invite my parents every year. Just the odd year (perhaps every 3 years or so). I also said that I understand why he might want it to be just us, because we'd be able to relax more and form our own traditions (some of you who posted here hold that view, and I can see your point) - so i said we could instead have them for a couple of days after Christmas (e.g. to arrive on 28 December).

But he still said no. He said 'and would that be any fun for me?'. When I continued to try and make my case, he got annoyed and walked off and refused to talk anymore.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 03/01/2024 23:11

I hate saying this but, for the love of all that’s holy, leave the bastard.

mn29 · 03/01/2024 23:17

Then he sounds completely unreasonable, are you sure you want a future with someone like this @Sebantha ? I’d especially think very carefully before having children together. It’s not too late just because you’re already married.

Wintersun1xxx · 03/01/2024 23:17

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 17:02

In that case they would be collected on Christmas Morning and dropped back that evening.

Show quote history

And if they lived too far away 🤔

Also this is more directed to pp who have said it's a no to parents or in-laws on Christmas day under any circumstances. Unbelievable imo.

Tourmalines · 04/01/2024 00:14

Leave the prick

spanishviola · 04/01/2024 00:25

Tell him marriage is about compromise as much as anything else. He can’t never agree to allow your parents to come for Christmas. I’d be telling him if they can’t come to me I will be going to them and he can cook his own Christmas dinner.

Heidi75 · 04/01/2024 01:17

Sebantha · 02/01/2024 22:54

If it comes to it and I tell them to come even though my husband hasn't agreed, he would phone them up and tell them it's not convenient. He has done a similar thing before.

So basically, I have to get his agreement if they are ever to come at Christmas.

Show quote history

Woah! Huge red and controlling flags here! Please tell me he has other redeeming qualities or there is an underlying issuing causing this as it's no way to live for the next 50 years having to get his permission for things to happen and for him to be canceling things you have arranged! He needs a good talking to

Heidi75 · 04/01/2024 01:19

BIossomtoes · 03/01/2024 23:11

I hate saying this but, for the love of all that’s holy, leave the bastard.

This!!! Totally - huge red flags over control here,

PeloMom · 04/01/2024 01:30

After the last update- he’s just being unreasonable. Think hard what future you see with him. What else isn’t he willing to compromise on?

WhatNoUsername · 04/01/2024 01:48

It's not his call. He can't say never. If he wants one thing and you want another, you'll have to do alternate years. He doesn't get to dictate.

WhatNoUsername · 04/01/2024 01:50

Sebantha · 03/01/2024 23:06

Thanks everyone. After reading these posts, I raised it again this evening.

I tried to make it very clear that I wasn't saying I wanted to invite my parents every year. Just the odd year (perhaps every 3 years or so). I also said that I understand why he might want it to be just us, because we'd be able to relax more and form our own traditions (some of you who posted here hold that view, and I can see your point) - so i said we could instead have them for a couple of days after Christmas (e.g. to arrive on 28 December).

But he still said no. He said 'and would that be any fun for me?'. When I continued to try and make my case, he got annoyed and walked off and refused to talk anymore.

Id just say well your idea of Christmas is no fun for me. It's not up to you. You can't just have everything your own way.

SavBlancTonight · 04/01/2024 08:25

Sebantha · 03/01/2024 23:06

Thanks everyone. After reading these posts, I raised it again this evening.

I tried to make it very clear that I wasn't saying I wanted to invite my parents every year. Just the odd year (perhaps every 3 years or so). I also said that I understand why he might want it to be just us, because we'd be able to relax more and form our own traditions (some of you who posted here hold that view, and I can see your point) - so i said we could instead have them for a couple of days after Christmas (e.g. to arrive on 28 December).

But he still said no. He said 'and would that be any fun for me?'. When I continued to try and make my case, he got annoyed and walked off and refused to talk anymore.

And you see how this is unacceptable right? Although based on your other thread, you will continue to justify his behaviour.

I feel quite scared for you. This is only going to get worse.

mezlou84 · 04/01/2024 08:29

Might be just how he sees Christmas. There are plenty of people who love to have Christmas as themselves only. Concentrating there little bit of Christmas time off with their significant other and kids. It's their quality time and if that's how he feels at least you know. I personally love being round family but them staying when house is cluttered and stuff everywhere no thanks. Christmas can be stressful as it is. I understand they're too far away to just come watch kids open presents and then go back home but I personally wouldn't want them staying much as I love them. He isn't miserable he just wants it to be an intimate time. He hasnt said they can never come just not that time. Have them come for new year or something which is just as much as a family time as Christmas but the stressful bits are over and they can just have fun stay.

Appelea · 04/01/2024 08:34

SavBlancTonight · 04/01/2024 08:25

And you see how this is unacceptable right? Although based on your other thread, you will continue to justify his behaviour.

I feel quite scared for you. This is only going to get worse.

Show quote history

How have I been 'justifying his behaviour', @SavBlancTonight ?