To think it's miserable that my husband doesn't ever want my parents to stay at Christmas

[Sebantha]

My husband and I were talking about future Christmases if we have a kid in future.

He said that it would sometimes be nice to have Christmas in our own house. I agreed, saying that if we did, we could invite my (or his) parents for a few days if they don't have plans.

Mine live the other end of the UK, and I would love cooking a Christmas dinner and hosting them and doing Christmassy things like going to a pantomime.

But he said no, he doesn't ever want them to come at Christmas. (He would let them come at other and of year though). My parents are really nice to him and are easygoing. He wants to have Christmas at home as just us.

I said his attitude was miserable. He got angry and tried to make me take it back, but I didn't.

AIBU to think his attitude is miserable?

Sorry for the Christmas theme when it's post-Christmas!

So would you take it in turns if your partner wanted their parents/family over?

So it's ok to take advantage of their hospitality but not reciprocate?

And to categorically refuse to let his partner have a say?

That’s exactly what I tried to say earlier in the thread. She wants to do one thing, he wants to do something else - why he is accused of being controlling, but not her?

So the answer is - compromise.

They take it in turns to get what they want

Why would you be doing all the cooking?

Yes - compromise!!!!!

I can see both sides. I like my family coming round but I couldn't be having them stay for days on end ( if I had the space, which I don't). I just find it stressful and I need my privacy past a certain point. Maybe I would feel differently if we had a bigger house so we weren't all tripping over each other. You're not unreasonable to want to see your family at Christmas but neither is he for wanting it with his wife and kid.

Because, as is usual, there is a backstory:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4975401-abusive-husband-can-also-be-kind-and-caring-have-others-found-this-confusing?reply=131914285

But maybe he doesn’t actually want to take advantage of their hospitality? Maybe that is him compromising.

if his position was he actually wanted to spend Christmas as a nuclear family every year and hers is that she wants to see her parents every year then what he was proposing would look like a compromise

This.

Oh god I'd never have had my in laws for Christmas - or my own parents for that matter.

my mother in law lives locally but has plans to move further afield to be closer to her family where she originally comes from. I have made it clear to DH that she isn’t coming to stay here when she wants to see us. Before anyone thinks I’m an asshole, I’m not, I’m just extremely uncomfortable with people in my house for long periods of time and our house is too small. My children are autistic and would struggle with it too. Annoyingly she owned a caravan at a locks holiday park which would have been perfect for coming to visit but she’s now sold it 🫣

I would have a think first before having children.

If he is so set on not having your parents come I would think twice, especially when it would be you doing the cooking and preparations.

Bet he's happy to receive presents etc though. Selfish Sod.

He isn’t the boss of you. You invite them if you want to.

And the OP isn’t his boss either- why should her wishes trump his?

I would never expect to stay in my child’s house at Christmas. I would visit and then leave. I am sure my kids will feel the same as me when they have their own houses.

@Icantbedoingwithit you won't get to decide if you are invited to visit and then leave, they will. And you are currently teaching them not to accommodate others on Christmas Day so prepare for them to tell you that as you aren't their family, you can visit and leave again on another day, because Christmas is just for their family.

I would visit if invited, if not invited that’s fine too. This isn’t about visiting, it is about staying and I would NEVER stay with my children over Christmas when they have their own family.

Tha's such a small minded view and assumes your children will always live close to you.

The only way we can see either of our parents at Christmas is if we go there or they come here. And that means staying with us or us with them. And that's fine.

Of course, there are exceptions - for a long time, SIL lived in a tiny flat so MIL simply couldn't stay there. Similarly, we struggle with space now, especially as MIL is a bit fragile. But theoretically, of course she's welcome at Christmas, as are my parents.

And I'm pretty sure (based on what I think is true from previous posts under a different name) that OP and her H have just bought a lovely house, quite large, mostly funded by money put up by her and her family so it's not a space issue.

I couldn’t care less where they lived. I will not infringe on their Christmas. It’s 2 days out of the year that are a no no for me. I will not host my parents or my in laws on those 2 days. Not a chance in hell. Any other days are fine though. Those days are special to me, the other 363 are a free for all.
I can see I am not the only one of this mind either. Everyone does things differently.

I think it's sad, but as you are happy, great.

we love having our parents here at Christmas. It was always lovely when the DC were little for them to have grandparents around while opening presents etc.

This

It certainly isn’t sad for me, the complete opposite in fact.
Nothing wrong with the way you do it either.

I can see both sides. Me and DH alternate between our families each year, I love Christmas and love having all the family round. But I certainly wouldn't want them staying over at my house. We host Christmas dinner but thats as much as I would agree to. There needs to be some compromise from you both. Spend one year with your family, one year with his, and one year just your nuclear family. On a separate issue, are you sure you want children with this man? He sounds awful!! Calling your family up to cancel plans behind your back?? GIANT RED FLAG!!! Id be running a mile before having kids with a man like this

From Op’s previous thread

“To give two examples from the past two days:

• On a car journey, we were arguing because he had criticised me for something minor. He started being unkind about my dad (who is gentle and elderly and has only ever been nice to my H), and he knows this hurts me. He also said 'your family are not my family'.

• This morning he popped over to our elderly neighbour and got her some food shopping. That was kind. He said he wanted to look out for her.”

this is bigger than a preference on who comes for Christmas. personally I’m grateful for friends and family who are super hospitable and think wider than their nuclear family for Christmas but I understand those who don’t. Everyone is different.

The issue in this case though is he has a pattern of being rude about her family and friends and using this to hurt her. I wouldn’t be surprised if he later says he would be happy with other people coming for Christmas, but just not OP’s parents.

Unless he has a good reason for
not liking them this refusal to compromise when he knows it means a lot to his partner, and agree to let them stay occasionally for Christmas - say once every few years - is a huge red flag.

Op, did you know he was like this before you married him? And now that you know - you still want to have kids with him?

There’s a thread on here recently about someone asking why women marry /have kids with abusive or lazy men when all the signs were there. A lot of people claimed women are blind- sided and men change when they’re pregnant . This is true in some cases but sometimes women know what they’re walking into and hope the man will change for the better. It’s sad.