To think it's miserable that my husband doesn't ever want my parents to stay at Christmas

[Sebantha]

My husband and I were talking about future Christmases if we have a kid in future.

He said that it would sometimes be nice to have Christmas in our own house. I agreed, saying that if we did, we could invite my (or his) parents for a few days if they don't have plans.

Mine live the other end of the UK, and I would love cooking a Christmas dinner and hosting them and doing Christmassy things like going to a pantomime.

But he said no, he doesn't ever want them to come at Christmas. (He would let them come at other and of year though). My parents are really nice to him and are easygoing. He wants to have Christmas at home as just us.

I said his attitude was miserable. He got angry and tried to make me take it back, but I didn't.

AIBU to think his attitude is miserable?

Sorry for the Christmas theme when it's post-Christmas!

Both views are valid.
Nobody is being miserable.
Can't you both somehow compromise?

That said, I'm with OH.
When my child is older I'll respect his choices and if he/partner just want immediate family then I'll more than happily do my own thing, hopefully seeing/being in contact at some point over the festivities. Mothers of sons also realise they'll generally be the less favoured grandma, so I've made sure to be as present as his mother as I can, while also giving freedom.

Those might be his preferences but he can’t just dictate that’s what’s happening. They come to an agreement. Preferably something where they can both be happy, but if not then take turns being happy. His preference doesn’t trump hers. And the fact he has cancelled her family in the past without op wanting it says a lot. It’s his way or the highway, I would be choosing the latter.

Although this is a hypothetical situation, surely you see you're in a pretty shit marriage with someone who seems rather abusive and controlling?

I wouldn't want kids with him.

I am a staunch no visitors at Christmas that stay over BUT he said no to 28th and that’s not on..

Are you the OP with a name change fail? If you are, my point is that in your other thread, people have told you repeatedly that he's not nice and being nice sometimes is not enough and you seem to continue to think it's okay.

And I agree, I think the OP (you?) has posted about this man under other names and that in each and every scenario, he has been highlighted as a twat.

Everything changes once you actually have children, as others have pointed out. Also, why does he get to make all of the decisions? He needs to compromise, so maybe they come for the day and stay elsewhere at night? But like I said, when you actually have children, he will probably be grateful for the help/someone to distract and play with them to give you a break!

You obviously haven’t read the latest update where he’s refusing to ever let them come, even a few days after Christmas, only once every few years. He’s not prepared to compromise at all.

This is the thin end of the wedge.
he already shows you that his will is law, and compromise won't happen. I would not go down the road of children with this man.

After reading the final update maybe think twice about having any future kids with a man who won’t compromise, clearly doesn’t like your family and will sulk and walk off like a child rather than discuss something.

You offered numerous compromises (beyond what I’d say is even a fair compromise from your side since you’re getting basically NOT over Christmas anyway AND years apart so how much is that really an issue) and he refused to engage, nah. He ain’t the man you want kids with.

Coercive control, and it will only get worse.

Who made him boss?

Between now and then you will have a lot of other situations to agonise and argue over. Deal with each one as it arises and stop sapping your emotional battery over something that may never happen.

Do you always push this hard when someone says no to something that may or may not happen in the future?

My partner wanted his whole family to stay with us this Christmas and I said no as I didn’t want the stress that having both an elderly parent with dementia and a toddler entails.

This is a no on all occasions not just Christmas. I am happy to host host his parents and his sisters family on an individual basis.

I am glad that he has respected my decision and not kept pushing the situation to have everyone in the house together.

I’m sorry but, your DH will not let your parents stay? Uhm. My parents would be staying and my DH would deal with it.

I'm on his side. You're both fine with sometimes spending family Christmas with either of your in laws? Then the ones spent at home would be just your nuclear family? That's good. Its a lot of pressure sometimes, n I get he probably just wants to relax with his little family, and not to have to 'entertain'. Nothing wrong with that, and any future kids would get the best of both worlds. Some xmases spent with wider family and some with parents undivided attention

The parents don’t have dementia, there’s no toddler involved and OP’s parents paid their house deposit - slightly different to your situation, no? Not everyone is married to a door mat.

Are you pregnant? If not, do not have children with this man!!!!

Who is the door mat in this situation?

Respecting boundaries is the same in both situations. He has set his boundaries she can either accept them or if it is a deal breaker she can leave.

pushing on the boundaries or just inviting them inspite of the boundaries is out of order.

Who is the door mat in this situation?

Your bloke.

pushing on the boundaries or just inviting them inspite of the boundaries is out of order.
Why? By your own logic, if she invites them and he doesn't like it then he can just leave.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you would be if you said "always" but you didn't. Your DH on the other hand is being unreasonable for saying "never". Does he still have his parents? And would he host them at Christmas? It might be worth asking him to articulate why... at least you have time to smooth over any issues that might be concerning him. It might also give you the opportunity to find a compromise that gets him on board, even if that means one Christmas with parents, the next just as you guys.

Is hosting Christmas a pain in the ase? Of course and it's expensive! And having had a few years with no visitors (Covid implications) it was* quite nice just being quiet with the 4 of us. But we hosted again this year and the kids have really enjoyed having their grandparents there as part of the magic and I hope the grandparents have enjoyed it too.

However, going somewhere else with younger kids IS a complete ball-ache - to avoid having to explain to the kids why their presents were in the boot, I found myself having to have everything bought and wrapped by early November so we could arrange a sneaky handover with the inlaws. "Kids, I need your Christmas lists in September..." That said, my DD (10) this year gave me her list on Friday 22nd Dec 😱thankfully I know her well enough to have had some of it anyways and Amazon Prime lifesavers😅but if I'd had to have bought everything early it's a risk that they might change their ideas and by then it's too late.

We've always had a "just us on Christmas Day" policy since we had children but we always visit my ILs or have them to stay sometime between Christmas and New Year. I don't enjoy it. I don't like them and they don't like me. In all honestly I'd prefer never to host them if I had the option and I doubt they'd be bothered if they never saw me again. But they are DH's parents and my children's grandparents so part of the family whether I like it or not and we have to compromise. DH would never insist that they come on actual Christmas Day as he knows that would make the day very difficult for me, but I would never refuse to host them at all over the festive period as that would be awful for DH and not fair to our children who love their grandparents.
I would suggest you need to look for some middle ground.

I would see this as a huge red flag. Basically you’ll never see your parents at Christmas again - think about that.

Christmas is a time for family. I get that and I get on with my in laws great. I couldn’t have them or even my parents stay over during Christmas. It’s too much for me personally. I like space and when people are in your house for a length of time it becomes suffocating. It was bad enough having everyone drop in (they all dropped in at the same time) this Christmas. My DH’s parents have split, FIL and Step mum arrived, BIL, SIL and their autistic twins, MIL then my parents and Uncle. I had to go upstairs. Twins were shouting and off their heads on sweets ransacking the house and tormenting our dog, nobody was disciplining them, my mum was eye rolling, Dad was stuffed in a corner trying to keep out of the way and my Uncle just froze and looked on in horror. My boys left after a few minutes and went to their rooms until everyone had gone. I was trying to cook dinner, get drinks, hold conversations, keep kids out of the kitchen etc. Absolutely not. That was an hour. We’ve hosted before for our parents only but we both agreed it was too much and we were knackered and didn’t get that family time we wanted.

You have just said that my situation is different to the OP.

If that’s the case why would he also be a door mat?

just because you can respect someone’s decisions doesn’t make you one.