To think it's miserable that my husband doesn't ever want my parents to stay at Christmas

[Sebantha]

My husband and I were talking about future Christmases if we have a kid in future.

He said that it would sometimes be nice to have Christmas in our own house. I agreed, saying that if we did, we could invite my (or his) parents for a few days if they don't have plans.

Mine live the other end of the UK, and I would love cooking a Christmas dinner and hosting them and doing Christmassy things like going to a pantomime.

But he said no, he doesn't ever want them to come at Christmas. (He would let them come at other and of year though). My parents are really nice to him and are easygoing. He wants to have Christmas at home as just us.

I said his attitude was miserable. He got angry and tried to make me take it back, but I didn't.

AIBU to think his attitude is miserable?

Sorry for the Christmas theme when it's post-Christmas!

@MoreDollies you say:
However, going somewhere else with younger kids IS a complete ball-ache - to avoid having to explain to the kids why their presents were in the boot, I found myself having to have everything bought and wrapped by early November so we could arrange a sneaky handover with the inlaws.

I can totally understand why this would be difficult!!

I am so sorry. I have experienced this kind of treatment in the past and I got out of the relationship before we had children. And being ‘caring at other times’ is a red flag. He is giving you mixed messages which is what you mean by ‘messes with your head.’ He is probably only caring when it suits him.

DH and I have been invited somewhere where there will be some of his relatives who i really don’t like ( neither does DH). I don’t want to go but I will because I don’t want to upset DH as he wants to see a couple of close relatives who will be there. So, I’m doing it for him.

Your DH isn’t willing to do this. If you have children in the future it will only get worse.
Take care 🌺

But OP DOES want her parents to stay.. That’s the point of her post, isn’t it?

I think I can see where your husband is coming from! My Mum is my best friend and I talk to her everyday. Having said that we had our second child earlier this year so decided Christmas needed to be at home. our parents live an hour away (in different directions) so we said they could come for lunch but I’d said they couldn’t stay as we don’t have the space.
So come the day, my husband does all the cooking. Basically lives in the kitchen. I’m running around setting tables, getting drinks, checking on the baby and older DD (who’s 3). Our 4 bedroom house felt squeezed between the toys and people everywhere! When everyone left between 7-8pm we hadn’t played any games, hadn’t sat on our sofa, watched Christmas tv. It felt like the day disappeared in a blur.
We are already discussing a quieter Christmas next year and just see family on the surrounding days 😂🤞

Just to add before children I couldn’t have envisaged a Christmas without my parents. We are both only children and they have stayed over before for Christmas before we had kids. You might (like me) feel differently when you have kids anyway. Or he may even feel different.

Fortunately my parents live fairly locally so they don’t need to stay over but I know DH wouldn’t like it. Christmas this time was just myself, DH and our 2 DC and he said he really enjoyed it just being the 4 of us. We usually spend time with my parents but they went to stay with DB and his family who don’t live locally - this made me a bit sad that he preferred Christmas without them.

I suppose it’s a bit one sided though as FIL passed away a few years ago and MIL is in a.care home

That would be a deal breaker for me, relationship wise. Both sets of parents should be welcomed into the marital home, I think.
If it's all about him, and him getting his own way about you having your own parents in your own home, OP I'd think hard about committing to a relationship with him.

Oh Appelea, I feel for you and genuinely worry. This man is horrible. Also terrible sex?!

Was none of this an issue before marriage? No flags at all? It's very disturbing.

@Sebantha and/or @Appelea, based on this and your other threads, your husband is abusive and he’s controlling.

It's the complete lack of compromise that is the problem! There are 2 people in a partnership and compromise is key

Well once you have a school aged child there’s 13 weeks plus training days to cover each year so at some point you might not be able to have 5 weeks off together each year. Although if you have family support to look after the kids then it’s easier of course.

Anyway for what it’s worth I agree with you and would want to see my parents at some point over Xmas - and our son would want to see his grandparents. What would happen with seeing his parents at Xmas?

I would be reconsidering the relationship if my DH was like that, so unwelcoming to family. Not an attractive quality

To me family isnt just the people in your house it’s parents and siblings too, and to shut the door to them at the most family oriented time of year is not on imo

Fair enough alternate between his and yours to keep it balanced between both families but still include them.

As pp said he (and unfortunately you) will reap what you sow when you are grandparents and your children just want it to be their “nuclear” family as that is what they are used to

If they're nice he should put up with it sometimes. We all have to deal with each others families!

He sounds horrible. What a miserable man.

I am also concerned that you only post late at night - are you having to be careful about what you do on your phone/tablet/laptop when he's around?

Why should he dictate who comes to your home? My parents came every Christmas, which, in retrospect, was probably a bit much so far as my husband was concerned, but having a Christmas with your parents now and again isn't unreasonable.

I think he is being very selfish and unkind.

Honestly OP, I wouldn't be having children with him. If you read the relationship boards enough you'll see that these types of situations only get worse when women have children and feel trapped. Based on your posts, he doesn't seem prepared to consider your feelings at all. Is that how you want the rest of your life to be?

It's absolutely fine to stay at home and not host anyone over/around Christmas if it's what you both want and/or don't have space. But when couples have different preferences it's perfectly normal to compromise and do different things each year. DH and I love a Christmas at home alone with the kids, but the reality at the moment with ageing and widowed parents, we have to take turns with siblings hosting them. In years gone by we sometimes visited/hosted/stayed home alone. When our parents are gone we'll probably do different things again, go abroad maybe. But we'll agree together, and when we differ about what seems fun we'll compromise and/or take turns.

This is what Boxing Day is for 😊

I agree with others, not worth fighting about now as opinions are likely to change, however could you reach a compromise, where they stay near by (maybe in air bnb) and they come come over for Christmas dinner and to do things because I do agree having someone in your house when you wake up is not for everyone, but that is coming from someone that isn’t even keen on kids having sleepovers!

And in the not too distant future when you could be on your own eating your Christmas meal you might just wish your children's new 'little unit' cared enough to have you spend the day with them in what can be a very emotional & lonely time for older people. At this stage they have possibly suffered the loss of much loved family in their own generation.
The last thing they deserve, especially if they are loving & caring parents & Grandparents is an 'its all about us on Christmas day' attitude.

The last thing they deserve, especially if they are loving & caring parents & Grandparents is an 'its all about us on Christmas day' attitude.

This 100%. Pretty selfish attitude imo as family is much more than the people who you live in a house with.

No doubt these people will be on Gransnet in 20 years wondering why they don’t see their kids and grandkids, especially on Christmas Day

@tillyandmilly

”own little unit”

🤮

We do a rotation. We decided early on it wasn't fair to up rout the kids and make them leave thier new toys etc or cart presents around so christmas was always at our house. One year would be us with the in-laws visiting (they never stayed just for dinner, games and a nice chrsitmas day walk). The next year my m would come. She would stay christmas eve and open stocking with us and presents etc and stay with us til the 27th. And then the third year would be just the 4 of us. This rotations worked well.