To think it's miserable that my husband doesn't ever want my parents to stay at Christmas

[Sebantha]

My husband and I were talking about future Christmases if we have a kid in future.

He said that it would sometimes be nice to have Christmas in our own house. I agreed, saying that if we did, we could invite my (or his) parents for a few days if they don't have plans.

Mine live the other end of the UK, and I would love cooking a Christmas dinner and hosting them and doing Christmassy things like going to a pantomime.

But he said no, he doesn't ever want them to come at Christmas. (He would let them come at other and of year though). My parents are really nice to him and are easygoing. He wants to have Christmas at home as just us.

I said his attitude was miserable. He got angry and tried to make me take it back, but I didn't.

AIBU to think his attitude is miserable?

Sorry for the Christmas theme when it's post-Christmas!

We had this discussion earlier this year too. DP said he wanted us to have a ‘nuclear family’ Christmas Day (before I got pregnant) meaning just him I and our future child, I was very much opposed to this as I think Christmas is about spending time with ALL of our family. He has changed his tune now that baby is due soon and we have had a discussion and decided we will be spending Xmas Eve and half of Xmas day with one side of the family, and the other half of Xmas day and Boxing Day with the other side and will alternate days each year. I’ll be the one doing the driving which suits me just fine. Maybe once your child isn’t hypothetical any more he will change his stance like my partner did.

Wouldn't it rather depend on where you were all living, and whether it was within reasonable travelling distance?

With that attitude, I predict a lonely elderly life!

If it were me they could come from anytime until Christmas Eve. I realise everyone has different traditions but I would not have anyone stay over Christmas.

Honestly OP, this would make me think twice about having children with him. People in healthy relationships don't dictate what's allowed. When it comes to extended family stuff, people in healthy relationships compromise and agree what to do. So you might say we'll have Christmas alone one year, visit family some years, host family other years. Out of all of that, some situations you just suck up and tolerate for the sake of good relations. As a PP said, how would he feel if he raised a child and then they banned you from visiting at Christmas?

Now, if you both agree that you want to stay at home, have no visitors, and do your own thing, that's absolutely fine, as long as it's what you both want. But when you say he's rung your parents when you've agreed for them to visit to say it's not convenient - that seems fairly controlling, and I can't help but think that kind of behaviour only gets worse when children come into the equation.

@Icantbedoingwithit

what’s so bad about having family stay over Christmas?! 🤣

No, as ling as they were gone by Christmas Eve or didn't come till 27th they can stay as long as they like, whenever they like.

I would never expect to stay in my child’s house at Christmas. I would visit and then leave. I am sure my kids will feel the same as me when they have their own houses.

Let's hope your DC never move 5 or 6 hours away for work.
Or overseas as you'll never be spending Christmas with them

I'm with your husband!

Christmas for me is me and the kids. I couldn't stand anyone else staying.

Just not my thing. I understand it is for others but I just prefer my own family for those 2 days.

I wouldn’t EXPECT to spend Christmas with them, that’s their time. I would fuck off on Christmas eve or not come till 27th.

@Icantbedoingwithit

your own family? But if it’s your parents we’re talking about surely they are your own family? They gave birth to you and raised you after all!

So it's either Christmas at your/his parents or Christmas with his/your parents at yours? Wouldn't it be nice to have one year where you didn't have to be 'on' in guest or host mode?
Not getting the 'he's abusive for not doing what you and your family want for Christmas?

Well good luck with that. My adult children come home every Christmas so far, and they are more than welcome. I wouldn't have Christmas without them.

You reap what you sow.

Yes they did but I don’t want them here for those 2 days. It really is that simple. I want myself, my 4 kids and my husband. They could stay 363 days of the year, just not those days.

My own children always spend Christmas here. 2 don’t live at home but spend Christmas here every year, I am talking about parents and in laws. When my own children have families of their own, then it changes, I will not insert myself into their Chrristmas.

I can see his point- he wants to have time with only the family he created around the holidays. I assume it’s the only time in the year that everyone in the household would be off for few days from work/ schools and would be nice to do things as a family or just chill without having other people in his space.

Bang on!

The only time of the year that we'd be off? Why? We both have 5 weeks of annual leave per year.

Are you serious about this OP?!

"If it comes to it and I tell them to come even though my husband hasn't agreed, he would phone them up and tell them it's not convenient. He has done a similar thing before.

So basically, I have to get his agreement if they are ever to come at Christmas."

If he has done this before and you have to get his 'agreement' this is coercive control and abuse

He is saying he wouldn't like it, but you are saying you would - so you compromise and go with each other's preference in turn - like normal couples

@Icantbedoingwithit totally agree with you. There’s something very special spending with your nuclear family only in the house. We do have a meal with the ILs but they leave nearby so it’s different than waking up with someone else in the house and spending the entire day with them.

That’s it exactly!

I don't think it bodes well that he thinks he can permit or forbid what you do in your own house. I understand that some negotiation has to go on, but saying he will let them come as if he were the boss is a red flag to me.

Do people really plan out a pretend life and then argue about it as if it was reality? Why are you arguing over something that doesn't exist. Who knows if yo7 will have children, parents will be alive etc... no one knows how they will act in a situation until they are in that situation. Enjoy your life now and worry about the issues that you are facing today and sort them out. It makes no sense to be taking sides over something that doesn't and may never exist. I understand it's hypothetical but no one ever acts in real life they way they think they do in their head. Let it go and focus on the now.

He’s not the boss of you, @Sebantha. If you want your parents to stay at Xmas you can have them to say, just compromise that it’s not every year and he can have his parent stay too. If he has form for calling up your parents to cancel your plans 1) pre-warn your parents and 2) LTB

@Sebantha you talk about when you have kids- kids holidays will be a lot more than 5 weeks so you and DH may have to take your leave at different times in order to be able to deal with that. And on the rare occasion you maybe all at home on leave is not the same as having downtime for the holidays- you may go away; deal with the everyday grind of entertaining a child or children during a school break. I’m struggling to describe it well, but the few days around Christmas are for most people a guaranteed and very much looked forward time off from daily life and I dont find it out of the ordinary for him to have the opinion he has. It’s also special to create your own memories and traditions as a nuclear family.